Continuing to be a Work in Progress

Wow, another month has passed since my last post. I guess I haven't been keeping with it quite as much as I had been originally. Also, I don't always have quite as much to say as I used to, so I guess that is part of it too. We have really been enjoying our summer. It's been hot, so hot, and so dry, Lord please send rain, but we have been having fun going to the pool and playing with friends and cousins and enjoying time with our family. I will admit, I think I'm ready for fall though. Usually by the middle of July when it's nothing but hot, hot, hot, I start getting the itch for fall and the cooler temps, wearing jeans and long sleeves, apple cider, campfires, the whole nine yards. We are looking forward to a fun mini-vacation to Michigan with the Lee side of the family in a few weeks. First time this side of the family has vacationed together in a long time, and first time for Tessa and I, so it should be loads of fun!

We have done a little redecorating in our house over the last couple weeks and have plans to do a lot more over the next several months. We decided to make Tessa's room a little more little girl like. She's been in a twin bed long enough now that I felt comfortable moving it out of the corner we jammed it into and put the head against the wall and let the rest stick out into the room. She got a new lamp and a new rug, and we moved her Tinkerbell table over into the corner so it's more useable for tea parties and set her dollhouse up so that she can play with it from the front and back. The biggest change we made was to her walls. When we put her in the big girl bed last fall, we bought all this cute pink, green and orange owl bedding. In September, when we got it all, I also found a big set of owl wall stickers/decals that were from the same line as her bedding. I have left them in her closet for almost a year and haven't used them. They are kinda a use once kind of thing, you can't really move them once you've stuck them on the wall, or they don't stick so well the next time. I kept thinking all along, we're going to end up pregnant from one of these cycles and Tessa's room will become the nursery again and we'll be moving her to the bigger bedroom so I didn't want to use the wall decals then not be able to have her use them when we move her to the other room. Well, since I am no longer placing all my bets on the idea of getting to have another baby, I decided it was time to use them. We made a big tree on her wall with owls and birds and leaves, and on the ground is little grass bunches and mushrooms and a squirrel and hedgehog. It looks soooo adorable! I'm so glad we did it. Almost every night, when we pray, she adds in to thank God for her tree, and her leaves, (she usually mentions the big leaves and the little leaves separately) and her owls, and her squirrel and her birds. It's so cute. She even had her Auntie pet her squirrel when she was here the other night. I can't believe I waited so long to do it. We also redid our downstairs powder room this weekend. I love it! I have hated the color we painted in there since the day we put it up 3 1/2 years ago, I just haven't known what I want in there. I've been thinking on it for a long time, and finally decided so David and I moved on it quickly (I think he was afraid I would change my mind) and redid it this weekend. We painted over the hideous reddish orangish mess with a slate gray and did buttery yellow accents. It looks awesome. I couldn't be more happy with it. We have a lot of other things we want to do with our house, change up our floors downstairs, either put wood floor down or a combo of wood floor and new carpet, plus I'd like to get new furniture for downstairs and change up the look of the living room/dining room. Also on my wish list is new bedroom furniture. What we have has lasted us a while, and we probably paid less than $50 for it all, but I have wanted a nice set of bedroom furniture for a long time. Of course, all these things take money and time for me to figure out exactly what I want then find what I'm looking for. But I am excited about some physical changes the Lee household has taken and will be taking over the next months.

As far as the baby process goes...we're still waiting. We're still thinking and praying and waiting for confirmation on the right direction to go. We are much closer to making a decision than we were a month ago, or even a week or two ago, but alas, still waiting and thinking and praying. For the most part, I'm doing much better. It's true, time does help to heal wounds. I wouldn't say time will heal all wounds, but it helps. It's still a challenge, and sometimes a daily challenge, but I'm working through it. I feel like I'm totally surrounded by newborn babies and pregnant women. I think I'm up to about 20 friends who are either pregnant or have a baby less than 3 months old. It's like an epidemic, and yet I'm somehow immune. A couple weeks ago, I finally went to visit my friend who had a new baby born in June. It was hard, really hard, but I'm thankful that I have amazing friends who are really understanding of my limits. I left there feeling really guilty because I really barely even got close to her baby. Just being there, and hearing him cry and talking with her while she nursed him, it just made my heart ache for newborn of my own. I miss that so much. I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have friends that are understanding, I am truly blessed.

I had a really hard moment yesterday. As I have said before, my sister is expecting. She's due in less than a month now. About a week ago, I really made the first mention of it to Tessa. I had been avoiding the topic with her mostly because she hadn't brought it up and I really was afraid of the questions that might come from it. But we're getting down to the wire now, so I figured I should talk to her about it a little. I said something to her about a week ago, nothing specific, and she didn't seem to have much to say about it. I think she maybe said somethig to my mom about Lissy having a baby in her tummy, but then the topic was dropped. Yesterday, I was working on a newborn pixie hat that my sister wanted for her new little guy to wear for his newborn pictures. Tessa came downstairs and asked what I was doing. I told her I was making a hat for Lissy's baby. She seemed a little confused, so I expanded. I said, "you know how Lissy has a really big tummy right now? That's because she has a baby inside her and I'm making this hat for Baby _______ (I'll leave the name out of here, as I'm not sure if they're sharing that yet :)." Her response was, "and I bring it to her (meaning the baby)." I said, "well, the baby is going to be a boy, and he's not here yet. He'll be here in a few weeks." She stood there and thought for a minute, then said, "Lissy have a baby in her BIG tummy, you have a little baby in your little tummy?" And.....confirmation as to why I was putting off this discussion with her. I had to tell her, "no, Tessa, I don't have a baby in my tummy." It just makes me sad for her sometimes, I know how badly she wants a brother or a sister, (in actuality, she wants a sister, when we pray at night, I pray for a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa, and she always interjects and says, "I want a baby sister") and it hurts me that I can't give that to her.

As much as I want another baby, which I desperately do, I'm also most definitely coming around to the idea of waving the white flag, calling it quits on the treatments and being a family of three. I'm thankful, so thankful, for friends and family members who are part of one child families who have been willing to share their thoughts and feelings with me about being a part of a one child family, either from the perspective of the parent or the child. It so nice to hear about people who feel that having only one child or being an only child is a huge blessing and how it benefitted their lives and that it can be a very fufilling life. Don't get me wrong, Tessa keeps me as busy as several children would, and if she is the only child we ever have, she will be MORE than enough. I think about the fact that she was only 19 months old when we first started all these infertility treatments again. And now she's 3 and on her way to being 3 1/2. She was still such a baby when all this started, and now she's a little girl. We have been able to do so many more things with her in the last few months as she is getting older and more mature and life no longer revolves around naptimes and I think...if we were to never have the blessing of getting another child, we have a whole new world of adventure opened to us in no longer having a baby in the family. All of these factors are weighing on our decision on which direction to take. David tells me that he thinks I'm finally in a good place in my crazy head because for the first time, we both feel like we no longer need another baby to complete our family, but that another baby would just be an extremely added blessing to our family which is already complete. We are happy as a family of three and my eyes have been opened to all the wonderful benefits of being a family of three which I was never able to see before because I was so blinded by my extreme need for another baby. If we decide to move forward with more treatments, we both feel like this is the best place to be in, a place where I'm good with where we are and feel complete with where we are, and would consider any other blessings that come along a huge bonus.

Unfortunately, I wish with this newfound contentedness with our situation, that the pain and sting of infertility would go away. It doesn't. Part of me is very afraid it will never go away. In the business that my sister and I run together, I deal with a lot of pregnant women. One of the most popular thing we sell is our sibling shirts, Big Sister, Big Brother, Little Sister, Little Brother, etc. So many people order shirts for a Big Sister or Brother as a way of sharing the news they're expecting or order with a Little sibling shirt to do pictures for the when the baby is born. It's always hard, but for the most part, I've developed a pretty hard shell to it because it is my business, my livilihood, and I don't have a choice. There have been a few especially hard ones that I have had to power through, like the lady a few months ago who convoed us wanting Big Sister shirts for her twins...in size 6 months. It's always hard for me when a Big Brother or Sister comes through in a small size realizing that some people, many people, really get to have their babies back to back (not that I would want that, by any means, having babies really close together in age is not what I would have chosen for myself). But wow, it just is a reminder that some people really have no trouble whatsoever getting pregnant. Then a week or two ago, we had a lady send us a convo asking how soon we could get a Big Sister shirt to her. Usually, that means one of two things (we get that kind of request often) 1) She just found out she's pregnant and wants to use the shirt to share the news or 2) She is really close to her due date and needs it asap before she has the new baby. Neither one of these was her situation. When I asked her what date she needed the shirt by, she told me that she didn't really have an exact date, she wasn't actually pregnant yet, but they're trying and she just knows it's going to happen right away. And she probably will get pregnant right away, and it will probably work exactly as she planned, because some people just seem to get to have everything they want, exactly when they want it and how they want it. Then there are others, and I am NOT just talking about myself, but so many others who struggle and fight for what they want who don't get things to come so easy. And I don't know this lady, maybe she has had a terrible life and having babies is the only thing that works easily for her, I have no idea, I just know, she unknowingly picked the wrong person to make that statement to. :)

 I often think of the words that I heard so many times from one of my friends when she was going through fertility treatments in attempts to have a second child. They had several IUI cycles that failed one after the other. She often said that she doesn't understand why this isn't working and that she just wished that if God wasn't going to give her another child that He would take away her desire to have another child. At the time she was going through this, we hadn't even started our round of treatments for a second child, and after her three failed IUIs, I remember telling her, "I don't know how you keep going. I would never be able to do what you're doing." Lo and behold, we are stronger than we think we are. Five cycles later and ten babies lost, I'm still standing. Never imagined that I would be.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for us to come to a decision about what direction we want to go. Pray that we would be able to come up with the financial resources to pursue that direction. Pray for me, and David as well, as we are still learning how to deal with our situation. Every tiny baby I see, every pregnant belly...hurts. I wish it didn't, I'm hoping eventually it won't, pray that I get there.

A Much Needed Vacation

Sunday night we returned home from a much needed vacation. We spent a week in Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, TN just enjoying some time together as a family. I'm sure I said it before, but the day after our last test results came in, I said to my mom, "what we really need is a vacation," knowing that there was no way we could ever afford to take one. The next day, David called me from church and told me that a guy that he serves with had offered to pay for our accomodations for us to take a vacation. It was truly a miracle. We still had the issue of coming up with the money for gas to get there and money for things to do. We were trying to cut back as much as we could, but we had Tessa's birthday only 2 weeks prior to the time we left which brough plenty of expenses. We were surprised when we received our second tax refund check in the mail several weeks sooner than what we thought we would get, then were so incredibly blessed when we were given monetary gifts from a couple different members of our family so that we could really enjoy ourselves on vacation and not worry so much about the money. We were so incredibly blessed. Our trip was a great one! We spent four night in a hotel in Pigeon Forge and did tons of sight seeing in the mountains and in town. Then we ended up meeting one of my best friends (who I haven't seen in years) and her husband and two girls and stayed in a cabin in the mountains for two nights. Overall, it was an incredibly rejuvenating trip and we made memories that we will treasure forever, as it was our first vacation that we took as a family by ourselves. Here are just a few pictures from our week:

A view from the top of the Gatlinburg Sky Lift

Tessa throwing rocks in the creek at Cades Cove

Playing by the rocks on the creek

Having lunch at the Old Mill Restaurant and loving her new pink cowgirl hat!

Checking out the fence by one of the original homes built in the Smokies

On the trail coming back down from Clingman's Dome, the highest point in the Smokies

Riding the carousel at Ober Gatlinburg

Our sweet family at the Apple Barn

Daddy and Tessa at Flapjacks Pancakes House

On the top of Clingman's Dome

I was very much hoping that with time, most of the pain of what we've been through over the last months would just fade. I'm not a real expert on the best way to deal with my emotions and my natural instinct these last few weeks has been to just not deal with them. I'm aware that's not the healthiest choice, but it's what works for me for right now. We're home now, and as much as I was hoping that the pain would be just gone, I find that it's not. Our vacation was a wonderful retreat, but I come home to the same issues I had when I left. There was one thing that I saw on vacation that really screamed out to me. I know it was there, meant for me to see. On Wednesday, we toured Cades Cove, which is a driving tour through an area in the mountains with several stops to get out and see old cabins, churches, mills, etc. It's a really neat place to see. Our third stop on the tour was an old Methodist church built around 1900, the original building was from the early 1800s, but they rebuilt a new one around the turn of the century. We almost didn't go into this church because the previous stop had been an old Baptist church, and the two looked pretty similar, and honestly, this one wasn't as old as the Baptist one, so we almost skipped it. I'm very thankful we didn't. Inside the church, David and Tessa went straight to the piano and started playing while I just walked around and was taking some pictures. At the front of the church, on the alter I noticed there were stacks of papers. At first I thought maybe sermon notes? Is this church still in use? (Which I think they do still use it from time to time). The closer I got to it, I realized it was a lot of loose papers, scraps here and there. I started looking over them and realized that they were prayer requests, hundreds of them, stacked here on the alter of a church that's over a hundred years old. It reminded me of something you'd see on the Travel Channel, some old spot with a tradition of making a wish or saying a prayer or something like that. I looked at the top of the pile and read the prayer request written on top, it moved me to tears. I took a picture of it so that I would always remember.

At that point I realized, I'm not the only one who carried my emotional baggage with me on vacation. I don't know who that person is, or really even how to pronounce her name as I can't tell what the last name says, but I will be praying for her. If you look off to the left in the picture, it's kinda cut off, but someone else wrote an encouraging message that says, "To anyone peering over these notes: stay strong". I sooooo don't understand why we have been chosen to walk through this particular valley that we are walking in, but I do know that God still speaks to us and He is walking beside us.

I have some big mountains to climb over the next few days, few weeks, few months. I have some very close friends who have recently had babies and some that are soon to be having babies, including my own sister, and I'm honestly kinda scared. I've not allowed myself to be around babies, because I knew it beyond what I could handle. I haven't held a baby since all this begin a year and a half ago. Very soon I'll be spending some time with my friends and their babies and I'm not sure how I'm going to react. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle myself. I am so happy for my friends and family and anyone who doesn't have to walk through what we've been through, but I'm not sure how it's all going to go. Thankfully, my friends love me and are very understanding when I begged for no judgement to be passed if I am unable to hold their precious bundle. I am blessed to have the people that I have around me.

I'm now left in this place where I'm seeking something to distract me. First it was Tessa's birthday, then vacation, and now...I don't have anything major coming up that keeps my mind occupied. It leaves me to deal with my thoughts and emotions as they come to me. I have sat for the last two nights and worked at my sister's house on our embroidery machines making Big SIS shirt after Big SIS shirt and with every one, I want to cry because it hurts me to think that my daughter may never get to wear one. Then I am reminded of the one that I did have for her, which has now been hidden away out of my sight. I think about every night when we sit down to pray and Tessa is the one that reminds me to pray for a baby brother or baby sister. Usually it's a baby sister, although while we were on vacation I think she was missing her cousins because she prayed for a baby brother just like Jack and Cole. David and I both agreed that as much fun as we had on vacation at the end with my friend and her family, it was so hard because Tessa had such a great time playing with the girls, the girl her age and the little girl who just recently turned 1, it's just another reminder of what a great sister I think she would be. It's not her fault that she may not get that chance. Some days I have a lot of hope that soon Tessa will get to be the big sister, and other days, that hope is much harder to muster up. It's those days that I have to feed off of the hope that comes from Tessa. She prays for it every day.

I had the best dream a couple nights ago. I don't remember it all, just that our whole family was gathered up together and had this big surprise for us. They gave us this huge package which inside had all of these plaques and on each one it showed a sum of money being donated to us and what corporation or person donated it. I don't remember the exact amounts, but it was a lot, and in my dream I was so happy because I felt like all the doors were open for us. We had the money to pursue more treatment if that's what we wanted, we had the money to pursue any kind of adoption if that's what we wanted. I just remember being so excited because I had so many options in front of me with no limits. Then I woke up. It was one of those feelings where it still felt so real when I woke up, it took me several minutes to realize it was only a dream.

I am reminded again of the words to a song that I posted on my blog way back in February. It still applies to me today:

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow


This is my desert. This is my fire. This is my battle. And yet at the same time, I live the harvest every day that I get to spend with Tessa. Throughout all of this, I am reminded more and more of what an absolute miracle it is to conceive of or adopt and raise a child. It's nothing to take for granted, and nothing to take lightly. Through the challenge that we have faced and continue to face every day, it makes me more and more amazed that I was ever able to have a child. It seems like an impossible feat.

Please continue to pray for us as we have a lot of decisions to make. We're still a little unsure of what path is going to be the right one for us and we're really praying for a clear direction and peace of mind from God about what is going to be right for us. Pray for us as we are still continuing to heal. These many, many losses have taken so much more of a toll on me and on us as a family than I ever imagined they would. Pray for our miracle, which we would willingly accept at any time!





Attempting to Move Forward

It has been 18 days since we got our test results back. In many ways, it has been a very long 18 days. Today was the day that I finally took my ultrasound picture down from the fridge. That is always a big step for me, as I feel like it's the time when I am coming to grips with my reality and am beginning to accept what has happened. I added my picture to what is unfortunately becoming quite a collection of ultrasound pictures from our previous cycles. Tessa's birthday was coming up quickly after our results came in, so while I sat and moped for a few days, I threw myself into party planning. I'm pretty sure I went a little overboard. When Saturday morning came to start decorating for her party and my list of things to do was growing extremely long and my house was full of balloons all over the floor and decorations piled up on the couches and loads of streamers were needing to be hung, it hit me that I have really tried to bury myself in this party. Thankfully, my mom helped me get food ready and my sister in law came early and took charge of getting decorations hung, otherwise it would have never all come together. My mom, kinda jokingly, kinda not, suggested she's a little afraid of what might happen to me after the party when reality sets in. I reminded her that we have vacation to plan for then, and I will get busy getting ready for that. That's when the concern turned to what might happen after vacation, when I no longer have something big to prepare for and distract myself. It's totally legitimate, and I have thought the same things myself, but just haven't vocalized them. I'm sure it's not the best way to deal with all of this, but in my mind, I'm just hoping if I keep distracted long enough that maybe the hurt will just heal itself. One can hope, right?

Throughout this last cycle, I tried really hard not to look ahead and make plans. With as much disappointment as we had been through in the last year and half, it was hard not to think positively that it would work, and at the same time it just seemed inevitable that it wouldn't work. That may seem contradictory, and it doesn't make sense, but it's just how your emotions are. In my positive moments, I was sure it would work and that God would give us both of our babies. I had even thought ahead so much that I figured my ultrasound would come before Tessa's birthday, and that I was going to tell my family the ultrasound wasn't until the next week so that when I found it it was twins we could surprise everybody at Tessa's party. I was going to make her a cute shirt somehow announcing she would be a big sister to twins. I had it all planned out. That thought came to my mind on Friday night when I was making her birthday shirt to wear for the weekend. Again, it's another strike of reality. Tessa has been such a sweetheart though. As much as I have been in a really hard place, she is my reminder of faith. There were so many days when I would sit down to pray and sit in silence because I didn't even know how to pray. I was, and still am, hurting so badly that my brain couldn't form the words that my heart were feeling. Tessa still has her faith though. When I would sit down to pray with her before bed, we would say her prayer, thank God for the day and the great things we did and ask for blessings on the next day and say amen. That's when she interjects and says, "what about my baby sister?" We had spent every night for the past month or two praying for God to bring her baby brothers or baby sisters, then I stopped praying for that with her because I couldn't form the words. But at the prompting of my two year old (now three year old), we would pray and tell God that only He can know how much we really do want a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa and ask Him to bring her one. I am thankful to my little princess for her faith, because it was through her prompting to continue to pray for a baby that I was finally able to verbalize my prayers for it too.

The days have been long. Some are much better than others. Some days I hardly think about it at all, and other days, it's on my mind so much of the time. I feel like I'm finally able to take phone calls from my friends again. I know I blocked so many of them out in the last couple of weeks, and for that I'm sorry. I really needed my space and I hope I didn't hurt any of them in process. I have thought often of one my friends during this time. She and I went through the infertility process at the same time when I got pregnant with Tessa, her son was due two weeks after I was. When they started trying again to have another one, they went through three failed IUI cycles, then had an IVF cycle that got cancelled, then it looked like their next IVF would get cancelled, but they ended up switching to an IUI and that one worked. I can remember talking to her after the 3rd failed IUI, at that time we were just getting ready to start our whole process again, we had our first consultation with our doctor in just a few weeks. I can remember feeling so sorry for her and so much pain for her that they had had three disappointments in a row, and I told her, "I don't know how you are still functioning, there is no way that I would be able to keep going after having three failed cycles." Huh. Who would have known. Here I am, after 5 failed cycles, and I'm still standing. Some days I feel like that's all I'm doing, just standing, and on those days, I think that's enough. When it's just Tessa and me at home, I feel like I'm doing pretty good, then I hop on facebook or head out the door and I am flooded with newborn babies and pregnancies. I want so badly for it to not hurt. I really do. I can smile and say the right things, but what I want is for it not to hurt my heart, but I'm not sure how to fix that. How I feel is how I feel, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe it's too soon to try, I don't know. So many of my friends are pregnant or have just had babies, and I feel like a bad friend because I don't ask enough questions about how things are going or oooh and aaahhh over the babies. My sister is pregnant, and while I'm so excited for her, again, I feel bad because I know I don't talk to her enough about it, especially these last few weeks, I don't think I've brought it up once. I'm back to that guilt that I felt before because my situation not only affects me, but the people around me too.

But today....today is the day that we attempt to move forward. When the nurse called me 18 days ago to give me the news, she said my doctor would like us to come in for a return consultation so we can discuss our options in moving forward. At the time, I told her I needed to call back and make the appointment. It was not something I could do in the moment. So I called the following Monday and was shocked when she said they had an opening the next day, so I scheduled the appointment. As the day dragged on, I realized that I just wasn't ready to go in and talk to him yet. I hadn't had a chance to clear my head and get a good idea of what I wanted to talk to him about and the questions that I wanted to ask, so I called back again and rescheduled the appointment. We go in today. David and I will sit down with him and hear what he has to say. I'm really not sure what he's going to tell us, but I'm anxious to hear it. I want to know what he thinks our best options are for moving ahead and then we're going to leave and take some time to think it over and pray about it. I'm not ready to jump into anything. We're not entirely sure if we will pursue anything else at all, I think we will, but just throwing in the towel and putting all of our attention on Tessa is one of the options we're considering. I'm just not sure how much more ups and downs I can put myself through. These last 17 months have put me through the ringer and I am just not sure how much more I can handle. I'm hoping to leave the appointment today, not with answers, because I know I won't get those, but with some good information that we will take and mull over for the next few months.

Through it all, we have felt so incredibly blessed. David and I have said so many times that all of this that we have gone through has only magnified the fact that Tessa being here is such an incredible miracle. The odds for success with that procedure were like 25-30%, and here she is. It seemed so easy at the time. I see now that none of it's easy, she truly is our miracle and we are so thankful for it. It's been great having her birthday in the middle of all of this because we have been able to focus on her and celebrate how blessed we are to have her in our lives. I hug her a little tighter every night and tell her I love her a few more times a day. She is my greatest blessing. And while some may look at me and think I'm a little bit of an overprotective mother, if they knew what we'd been through, they'd understand. After losing 10 babies, I am only all too aware of what a gift a child is and I will do whatever I need to do to protect her and keep her safe. Ultimately, everything is in God's hands, but He has trusted me with her care, and I will do everything in my power to do the best job I can taking care of her.

We have also been given another absolutely incredible gift. Mother's Day fell on the weekend that we got our results back. I didn't go to church that morning, I knew my limits and I knew that would be pushing it, so I spent my mother's day home with my best girl. Anyway, David still had to go to church because he had to lead worship. He called me around 9:45, after worship would have been finished and told me some incredible news. He told me that a good friend at church had been talking to him and said he and his wife just really wanted to bless us in some way that would be helpful to us. He had asked if we were planning on taking a vacation this year, and David told him no, we just don't have the money, and he asked if we would be willing to take a vacation if he and his wife paid for the accomodations. We were absolutely so blown away by his incredible generosity. Long story short, we thought about where we'd like to go and worked it out with him and in 12 days we are leaving for a week to go stay in Gatlinburg, TN (Pigeon Forge, actually) to spend a week relaxing and having some fun family time in the mountains. There is no way that we could have afforded this on our own and we just couldn't feel more blessed. We still needed to come up with the money for gas and for spending while we're down there, which was proving to be a challenge, especially with Tessa's birthday and all the expenses that come with birthdays and throwing and a party and whatnot, but we figured there are plenty of things to do down there that don't have to cost a lot of money, and we're fine with that, we just want some time to spend as a family and to clear our heads of everything that's been going on. So you can imagine our surprise when, over the last few days, we have had two different family members give us gifts of money for us to use on our vacation because they want us to relax and have a good time. We just feel so loved and so lifted up by our community of family and friends that have surrounded us during these last few week, months, and last year and a half. We are so incredibly blessed. We may walk through trials and not always understand why God choses for us to face those giants, but He always gives us what we need to deal with our situation. On the Saturday before Mother's Day, the day after our results came in, I had been talking to my mom and told her, "what we really need is a vacation, " (knowing that financially it was in no way possible) and the next morning, we had our vacation dropped in our laps. I may never understand why God chose me to walk down this path, but I know that He has provided for us along the way, and I know that it has made me a stronger person because of it all. If I can face losing 10 babies and still come out fighting, I can do anything.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our appointment today that we would feel hopeful after we leave. Pray that God would show us the next step for us to take, no matter what that step is. Pray for us as we are still healing from our incredible heartbreak. I'm thankful the good days outnumber the bad ones now, but that doesn't mean the bad ones are gone. And please pray that our miracle is still on the way. Thanks for following our story and hopefully, it's not finished yet.

The Results Are In...

Today was the day. When you do a regular IVF cycle, my doctor does his transfers in the morning, so you go back seven days later for a pregnancy test, but with the FETs, he does those transfers in the afternoon, and because they want you to have a full week before testing, you come back on the following Friday for bloodwork. The last couple of days have been jittery, as I describe it. I've been really trying hard to keep busy and keep my mind off of things. Yesterday, I think I about 5 loads of laundry, baked a cake, cleaned the house, then as soon as David got home from work we got ready and took off for downtown Naperville to hang out for the evening. I just needed to keep busy. Didn't sleep great last night, so much on my mind with the blood test today. It took me until well after midnight to fall asleep, then after waking up several times throughout the night, Tessa got up at six, and we were up for the day. We lounged a bit this morning before getting ready to head into the office. My appointment was 9. We were in and out. All they had to do with draw a little blood. After that, I met my sister and nephews at Jo-Ann to pick up a few things, then headed over to Hobby Lobby to pick up some ribbon for a birthday banner I'm working on for Tessa's birthday.

We headed home after that, because I knew it wouldn't be too long before the nurse was calling, and I really wanted to be home for that. Callbacks are supposed to be between 2 and 4:30, but very often, if they get the results from the lab back early, they call early. Tessa wanted to play outside, I wasn't feeling up to it, so I parked my car in the driveway and closed the garage door and just let her play and ride her bike in the garage. Around 11, I started logging into my patient portal every few minutes. A few times, the results have shown up there before the nurse has gotten a chance to call. Checked again at 11:15, nothing. Checked at 11:30, still nothing. Checked at 11:45 and saw that I had new lab results to view. That's when your heart really starts pounding. Granted, I had been nervous all morning, although, I will say, not near as nervous this time as I have been in the past. I really felt the Lord's peace over me throughout the day. I opened the link that said BHCG for today's date...and that's when my heart dropped. The results showed <1.00. I've seen that number before, too many times. It didn't work. I couldn't believe, still can't. Didn't hit me right away though. I texted David first off, and while I was waiting for him to respond, I called my mom. I tried the best I could to hold it together, but when I got off the phone with her that's when I broke down. I was out in the garage because Tessa had wanted my help to get a drum down off the shelf, and I just sat on the floor of the garage curled up and sobbing. David then texted back and said he was coming home. I was glad for that. I just sat there, I don't know how long, and cried. Tessa kept coming over to me and asking why I was so sad, and I decided to tell her the truth. After all, we'd been praying every day for God to bring her some baby brothers or baby sisters, (she has been saying all along that she wants a baby sister). So I very honestly took her in my lap and said, "I'm sad because we aren't going to have a new baby in our family." Her initial reaction broke my heart, she stood up, put her face in her hands and started crying. (Probably because that's what I was doing). Then she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "maybe tomorrow I have a baby sister." My sweet, innocent girl. I love her.

I pulled myself together enough to head back in the house to lay on the couch and cry. I got my phone out and texted my family and close friends that were waiting on pins and needles for results. I'm so thankful for the bounty of texts and e-mails that I got all morning telling me that they were praying for me today and couldn't wait to hear our good news. I'm so thankful for them. Every new replay that would come in giving me their sincerest condolences brought a new round of tears all over again. I don't understand it. About 45 minutes later, I did get a call from the doctor's office. The nurse said she had my results and that she was sorry, but it was negative. I told her I knew, I saw it online. She said doctor would like us to come in for a consultation to sit down and decide where to go from here. I told her I'd call back to set up the appointment, I just needed to get off the phone in that moment. I had held it together for about as long as I could handle.

I'm so very frustrated. I don't understand it. I know God has a plan, but I don't understand how or why it includes so much pain for us. You know, last week, in the week of the transfer I had 4 friends all deliver babies, and 3 of them came at least a week or two early. I remember sitting there thinking, well...either this is a good sign for us, or God is preparing me by having these babies born before we get our bad news back instead of after. I was hoping it was the former, but turns out it was the latter. I want to be angry, but I'm not, I'm just sad. One of the tv shows I follow is 19 Kids and Counting. Surprising, I know, that someone like me, with such infertility issues would enjoy watching a show about a family that can't stop having children, but I really do like it. All day long, I haven't been able to get out of my head what I saw in the last season's finale. Jim Bob and Michelle were going in for their ultrasound to find out the gender of their 20th child that she was pregnant with, and when they had the ultrasound, they found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. They had lost the baby. The first words out of Michelle's mouth were, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I realize that she had cameras on her, but I very strongly believe she would have done that regardless. That's where I'm at today. The Lord has given us so much in the gorgeous blonde haired-blue eyed girl that has showered me with hugs and kisses today. Yes, for whatever reason, He has chosen to take these last 10 babies from us. (Wow, that's a big number, first time I've said that) But He has a purpose in it all, there is something that He sees that I don't. And while I am immeasurably sad today, this too will pass.

I don't know what our next step is. I can't even go there right now. Right now I want to enjoy my beautiful girl and let her and David be my physical comforts over the next weeks. I feared these results coming back today, as Sunday is Mother's Day. While it's never a good time to find out you lost two babies, two days before Mother's Day seems cruel. Through it all, I'm so thankful that I am a mother, and I have my Tessa. There are so many women that go through the same things that I go through but never get the joy of a positive result, even if it's just once. I'm so thankful that isn't my story, and I pray continually for those who's story it is.

Please continue to pray for us. These next few days will be hard, especially Sunday. Pray that God would direct us toward the next step that He wants us to take. One of my friends left me a voicemail earlier today after I texted her our news and said she has been praying so much for us this week, and the word that God gave her about me was hope. She said she doesn't know what or where it's specifially leading, but that God wants me to have hope, that this isn't the end. I'm so thankful for friends and family who are willing to stand in the gap for us and intercede on our behalf. Hope is hard for me to feel today and I am overwhelmed with grief, but pray that it comes. Thank you to those who have been following our story and praying continually for us. We need those prayers now more than ever.

And Now We Wait...

Let me begin this post by saying that words cannot express how grateful I am for the incredible support of my family and friends. The number of texts and emails and facebook messages reminding me that you are praying for us and hoping for the best has blown me away. As David and I sat down to eat lunch, I pulled out my phone and showed him all the facebook messages, not even including texts and emails, and said, "do you still think it was a bad idea for me to share this cycle with everyone?" At that point he smiled and said, "I guess not." We are so incredibly blessed. Thank you all.

Today went well. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking that I had not planned to leave early enough. What if traffic was terrible? We had planned to get one last chiropractic adjustment in before the transfer, and that appointment was at 10:15, which would mean that I wouldn't have left Naperville until at least 10:30 or after and I was supposed to be downtown at noon. In my panic, I texted my mom, which woke her up (sorry, Mom) and she said for me to just not worry about my appointment. If I was worried about getting there in time, skip the appointment, and leave early. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance from your mom, no matter how old you are. I felt much better then, still took me a while to fall back to sleep, but I eventually did.

My mom came up this morning to stay with Tessa for the day, she also brough a load of groceries for an easy fix dinner tonight (have I said lately how incredible my mom is?). We took off for Chicago about 9:45. There was very little traffic on 88 getting in, but the closer we got to the city, the more construction traffic we were running into. It was about ten after 11 by the time we got to the parking garage at the 900 N Michigan building. At this point, I had started drinking my water. My biggest stressor on transfer day is that you have to go in with a full bladder because they use an on-the-belly ultrasound wand to see the best place to place the embryos, and for that, you have to have a full bladder. This is always the worst part of the experience. Most of our transfers, I have drank far too much water and have been feeling on the edge of exploding as I wait for my doctor to come in, often past the time he's supposed to be there. Then there was the time that I didn't drink enough water and I was terrified I had ruined the whole thing because he wouldn't be able to see. But...he's a pro and he was able to do it anyway. As silly as it sounds, I did some trial runs this week drinking my water and seeing how long it took me to get really full, so I felt pretty confident about it today, but still, always the biggest issue on transfer day. Anyway, we didn't have to check in to the surgery center until noon, so David and I just took a little walk down Michigan Ave. It was a beautiful day out and we were enjoying soaking up the sun. We wandered into the American Girl Doll store and browsed around which totally brought me back to my childhood.

We got back to the surgery center a few minutes before noon, got all checked in and they took us back to our little recovery room. The nurse came in to do vitals, then we just waited until my doctor got there. Thankfully, we were the first transfer of the day so he was right on time. Yahoo!! He came in and gave us the good news that both of our remaining two embryos thawed and looked beautiful. (That was my other concern as I was up at 4:30 this morning, what if one or both of them doesn't survive the thaw?) But no, they were fine. They wheel you back on the gurney and the transfer takes place. The procedure itself isn't long, 10-15 minutes tops. The most magical moment being the one when he says, "and transferring the embryos now." I squeeze David's hand, close my eyes, and pray fervently for my little babes in that instant. Then I get my ultrasound picture. Granted, the embryos are too small to actually be seen, but what you do see is the little air bubbles of where they were transferred to. I hold that picture close to my heart as they finish things up and wheel me on back to my recovery room. And that's where we rest. They have you rest there for a half hour. I kinda chuckled with the guy came in to do my vitals after the procedure, he walked in, introduced himself, and then said, "wait, you look really familiar, we've met before haven't we?" To that I responded, "Yes, unfortunately, this isn't our first rodeo. This is our 5th transfer over the last year and a half." Even the folks up at the surgery center are starting to be familiar with me, I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to go there!!! I pulled out my Kindle, opened up my Netflix app and watched The Office. Nothing like Michael Scott to get your mind off things. After a half hour, we're free to go.

We were both starving by this point because I hadn't had much of an appetite this morning for breakfast, so it was 1:30 and I had eaten nothing but half of a small bowl of Special K and a piece of cinnamon bread from the Morris Bakery (Thank you, Alissa). We went down into the mall part of the Bloomingdale's building and had a quick sandwich at Potbelly. Then we walked across the street to Jamba Juice, I was really craving a Mango a-go-go. Our last stop before leaving was Sprinkles Cupcakes. I know it sounds like we did a lot of walking after the transfer, but all these places were no more than a block from the building we were in and where our car was parked. I picked up a lemon cupcake for myself, a vanilla with sprinkles for Tessa, and a vanilla with chocolate frosting for my dad and red velvet for my mom, a little thanks to them. The trip home took forever, construction took us forever to just get out of the city, then we ran into a lot of traffic on 88 coming home. I was pretty tired, and the sun felt so warm that I just napped on the ride home, which was nice.

Now we're home. I'm glad to see my Tessa girl again. I miss her so much when I'm gone from her. And now we just wait. The doctor says it's fine to go back to normal activity, but I always get this feeling in my gut that says rest. I took almost a week off of work after I had my transfer when I got pregnant with Tessa. So David is taking off tomorrow so that he can be home to occupy the crazy 2 year old that we've got, and I hoping to chill on the couch, put my feet up, watch some tv, and make some hats. Now we just wait and hope for the best. In past cycles, sometimes I have taken pregnancy tests at home every day, and sometimes I've taken none. I'm not really sure what I want to do this time. I know I don't want to do them every day, but I've toyed with the idea of taking one the day before I have to go back in for my blood test with the doctor's office, but I'm just not sure. I have this real phobia of home pregnancy tests after all that we have been there. I will think about it and pray about it. I am very much at peace. I hope desperately that these are good results that we will receive, but if not, that's the Lord's will too, and I will praise Him no matter what. Like I said before, I am so humbled and feel so loved by all the messages I have received of people thinking of us and praying for us. My dad texted me this morning and told me that he and a group of people from work were going to be fasting and praying for us from 12-12:30, then my sister Amy texted me while I wasin the recovery room telling me that she fasted breakfast this morning to pray for me (and for a situation of their own). One of our pastors called David this morning and while we missed his call, David played his voicemail on speaker for me to hear as he prayed for us over the voicemail. I had several friends write their prayers to me, and countless more telling me that they had been and will continue to pray for us. It just moves me to know how many people care. It touches me to know that so many people are hoping and praying with us and for us so that we can hopefully get our miracle this time. Thank you all again for your prayers today, and I would ask that you would continue to pray. These next few days are going to be the days that hopefully our little babies are going to be implanting. Pray for peace for me as my anxiety tends to flare up when it is most unwanted. Pray that I am able to get the rest I need to best take care of myself. Pray for Tessa, that she will be a good little angel for Mommy on the days that we're here by ourselves. Pray for David, he carries so much on his shoulders in taking care of me, her, his responsibilities at work and at church, and he has his final test in his class that he's taking this sememster on Tuesday and he really needs a good grade on it. Most of all, like always, pray for success. Pray that these babies find the coziest spot they can and implant themselves deep to stay and grow for the next nine months. Thank you again for all your prayers, words cannot express the gratitude that I feel.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

We will go in next week for our transfer. I'm glad to finally have it officially scheduled. I was quite certain that it would be that date when they didn't have me go this week, but it's for sure now. My appointment this morning went well, they said my lining is at a 9.9, which is only just needs to be at least a 7, so that's great. The last two times I've had it checked I was at 6 something then 7 something, so now that it's almost a 10 is really good. The nurse called this afternoon and said my e2 levels looked perfect and they scheduled me for next Thursday.

I am so ready for this part of the cycle to be over with. I've been taking a shot every day since March 30 and my stomach wants a break. I'm not sure why this cycle has been so rough with the shots, but I have been left with a multitude of colorful bruises and numerous nights after my shots I have been bleeding quite a bit at the injection site. Only 5 more shots. I can do it 5 more times. On Sunday, my meds change up, the shots stop, and I start progesterone and the estrogen decreases a little. I will be more than happy to put away those needles, hopefully for good.

It's been a little bit of a rough week off and on. I really haven't been feeling well from the medications, and these nights where I bleed a lot from the injection just seems to send me into a bit of a tailspin. I usually end up cuddled with David, crying to him about how much I need for this to be over. It's also been hard because right now I'm so surrounded by pregnant women, people I know, friends that I know through facebook, etc...and it's just been baby central. One baby born this week and 2 more having babies in the next couple days, and I have 2 more having babies in the next 2 weeks. I want to be in that club so bad, it's just hard when you feel a bit like an outsider. I want to be expecting my baby and be able to feel all those things again. I saw another facebook post today about someone who was feeling her baby move and how incredible it is, and I miss that. I am so thankful that I was able to experience it, and I have Tessa, but I miss that and I want it again so badly. I am so ready. So ready.

I was so encouraged on Sunday by our Community Group meeting. I love our time at Community Groups, we have an awesome group of people. We've been a part of this group since the beginning of 2011 and they are my second family. They have been there for us all throughout these insane last 17 months. We had a birthday party to go to earlier in the afternoon on Sunday, then we had to run home, grab our food and run to Community Groups. David was tired and I didn't feel well at all, and he kept telling me that we should just stay home. I refused, I wanted to get to our group and I wanted them to be able to pray for us. Because of the Easter holiday and spring break schedules, it had been the middle of March since we had met and those in our group who I don't often see (except at Community Group) didn't know we were cycling again, and I knew this would be the last one before our transfer. We ate, we visited, and we split up girls in one room and guys in another to just have some sharing and fellowship and prayer time. The question was asked about what trials God is leading you through right now. A couple other people shared, then I took the chance to let them know where we were at. Of course, I was doing really good to try and hold it together while I shared, avoiding the eyes of one other person at the end of our table because I knew she'd be crying and that would make me cry, and it wasn't until one of the women in our group told me that they were all here for us to hold us up during a time when we can't hold ourselves up, that the waterworks started, and really didn't stop most of the night. She kept emphasizing that this is what the body of Christ is for, to be the extension of Christ to those that need it. We spent a little time in prayer, then before we left, our whole group gathered taround David, Tessa and I, and just layed hands on us and prayed for us. I so needed that uplifting time and those moments with our close friends. They are praying for our miracle right alongside us, as I know many others are too, and it means the world to me. I have so little to offer right now, I'm so physically and emotionally worn down by all of the stuff that we have been through and are going through that it takes all of my strength to keep going some days. I'm just so thankful for my family and friends who are such in incredible support and a perfect example of th extension of the body of Christ.

So here I sit with 9 days to go until my doctor will be putting my two little babies where they belong and hopefully, they nestle in tight for a long ride. I'm feeling nervous already, just thinking about it gets my heart going. When the nurse called to let me know when the transfer was going to be today she also wanted me to make my appointment for my pregnancy test. My response to that was "urgh". I dread going in for the pregnancy test. I get so nervous on that day that I can hardly breathe. It's like I can't make up my mind. I want this whole thing to be over, if it's going to be good news in the end, but if it's not, if it's bad news again, I'm not ready for it to be over. I want more time to hope and to think happy thoughts. I'm scared for it to be over and for it to be negative and then what?  Of course, if it's good news, I'm ready for it to be over now, this minute, this second. Unfortunately, I can't see the future and I don't know what the outcome is. So that leaves me feeling torn, excited and scared for this to be over. Ignorance is bliss, right? If it's bad news, I'm content to be ignorant to it a little while longer.

I'll end with my usual plea for prayer. Pray that I make it through the end of this week, only 5 more nights of shots. Pray that my fear and anxiety will stay far away. Pray for my friend, who gets her results back this week, I want positive results for her so badly. Pray that the transfer would go smoothly. Pray for my babies that are waiting for me. Pray for success.

As I'm typing the last few words, I can hear the alarm going off on my phone downstairs. Every night at 8:00 my alarm sounds, reminding me it's time to do my shot and take my medcine. Ten minutes from now, I'll be down to only 4 shots left. Pray.

Trusting in God's Perfect Timing

I guess I've been kinda making it a habit to update after my doctor's appointment, so why break the trend now? I had another visit this morning to do blood work and ultrasound. Tessa got to go with me again, and boy does she ever wow the crowd. They all love her, and she so loves the limelight. Instead of sitting quietly and playing with the toy she brought back from the waiting room which I got my blood drawn, she insisted on pulling up her chair and sitting right next to me. She kept asking, "what doing Mommy?" I would say, "oh, just gotta give a little blood." "Oh, you feel all better, Mommy?" She associates any needle going in my arm or stomach with feeling better. Yes, Tessa, I do feel better, especially when it's all done. Anyway, everything looked good. My lining was at 7.2, and they look for it to be 7 or better, and we would just have to wait to see the estrogen levels with the blood test results, which would come later in the afternoon.

My doctor's office has this handy little online Patient Portal. I really love it, I can log in, view test results, view my flowsheets (which give me dates, medications, ultrasound readings, etc. during my cycles), e-mail my doctor, all sorts of handy things. I especially like it because it keeps track of all the cycles we have done, going back to the one with Tessa. So I have my IVM cycle with Tessa, the IVF that we did last year, then now 4 FET cycles. It's nice because the information is there and I can go back and compare especially among these last FET cycles. I saw that my estrogen levels were posted on my portal before I heard from the nurse, so I went back to compare them to previous cycles. My lining was comparable to other cycles, even better than some, but my estrogen levels were lower than what they had been in previous cycles at this same point in the cycle, which I thought was odd. Then the nurse called me, she is relatively new to the practice, she doesn't know me quite like the other nurses do. I found it kinda funny when she was explaining my test results to me and telling me that doctor wants to increase my estrace tablets to continue to get my lining thicker, and that's when I jumped in and said, "to 3 and 3, right?" (3 tablets in the morning, 3 at night). She seemed surprised and said, "oh! That's right!" I kinda chuckled and said, "this is our 4th FET in the last year, I'm kinda an old pro at this." Anyway, she told me that doctor wanted me to come back next Tuesday for another round of blood work and ultrasound.

I was surprised by that, because I knew that meant that my transfer would be pushed back. I was fine with either date, but just surprised because the last two cycles my numbers have been similar and we would have transfered the following week. The nurse said my lining and estrogen were good, but didn't give any explanation as to why he was pushing it back another week. I'm at the point in this where I have nothing left to lose, and I'm doing my very best not to stress out and I know that if he wants to keep me on the meds (and consequently the shots) for another week, then it must be for a good reason. That's when I got to thinking about something. The one FET cycle that we have had in the last year that did work (ended in miscarriage, but still, I got pregnant) was the one that was this time last year. I remember being so psyched up for the transfer, then the Saturday before, when they called me with my results from the blood work and ultrasound, the nurse kindly told me that doctor was going to be on vacation next week and that my transfer would have to be pushed back to the following Thursday. At the time, I was devasted. I was very physically and emotionally ready for the transfer and changing the plan on me at the last minute was a little more than I could handle. Now, I am in no way saying that being on the meds an extra week was the reason it worked, because if it really increased your chances that much, I'm sure he would do that for everyone. But still, in my mind, it was the one major thing that was different about that cycle compared to the other ones. All eventually ended with a broken heart, but at least that one we had success, if only for a few short weeks.

I'm not saying that because we are pushing this transfer back that it's for sure going to work, I wish I could. I wish I knew that. I don't, but I do know that God's timing is perfect. While this timing seems a little off to me, I really had almost the same blood and ultrasound results as I have had at the same point in the last two cycles, but for some reason, this time, my doctor wants me to wait one more week. I'm okay with it, really okay with it. Usually, I don't handle deviations from the plan very well, but I feel good about this. I'm hopeful. Like I said, God's timing is the perfect timing, maybe He's just taking a minute to test my flexibility. :) Take all the time you want, God, I'll just be here, waiting.

Waiting...and hoping. I was talking with a friend today who is going through a shockingly similar situation and she and I were kinda going back and forth about being hopeful but yet guarding our hearts. After living through disappointment after disappointment throughout the last 16 months, my natural response is to put up big thick walls around my heart and to just assume that this last cycle won't work because the other ones didn't work either. I'm so tired of being heartbroken through this process that I want to be numb to it all, protect my heart and not let it hurt me. I want to not let myself be hopeful because I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However...after really looking back on the last year, as much as each time we did this, I tried to guard my heart from being broken, it still broke into a million pieces every time I would hear, "sorry, sweetie, it's not good news." Whether I let myself get my hopes up or not, my heart was still broken. So I'm trying this time to just be hopeful. My heart's going to be smashed if it doesn't work whether I'm hopeful or not, so I'm chosing to be hopeful. I'm chosing to be hopeful for my friend too, as my heart breaks into a million pieces for her too when things don't work out. I have realized that it's too much work to try to block my heart from getting hurt, it gets hurts no matter what, so I'm letting that go and just...hoping. Hoping for our miracle(s). :)

Please continue to pray for us. The anxieties of this cycle come back to bite me at the hardest times. Pray for peace, pray that the awfulness that I feel from these medications will wear off, pray for my friend (who I love dearly and has been incredible to me and for me), pray for our babies, pray for success. Thank you to all of you who have been praying. You mean the world to me!

Hey...where the baby go?

We had a lovely Easter weekend where we did many fun things with our family and had some incredible church services. I love Easter, I love the reminder of what Christ did for us so long ago. It's such an amazing time of year to celebrate. On Friday morning, we went to Good Friday service at church. It was a beautiful service, but as I stood there, surrounded by pregnant women and little babies I couldn't help but remember last year's Good Friday service. I was standing in probably very close to the same spot, and feeling overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness to the Lord for the life that was growing inside of me. I can remember thinking that next year at Easter, I would have a 4 month old to bring with me to service. Yet here I stood, no baby, no pregnancy, it was hard. The whole weekend was hard. I did my best to not dwell too much on it, but the reminder was always there. It was right after Easter last year (different date than this year because Easter isn't on the same calendar day every year) that we found out we had lost the baby. So between the emotional baggage and the fact that the shots I'm taking are continuing to make me not feel well, it was at times at rough weekend. Throughout it all, I had my beautiful Tessa, who was the princess of the house, and my incredibly supportive husband, who faces my mood swings like a champ, with me to celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord. Who could ask for more?

This morning, I had a doctor appointment to check on my progress after a good week and a half of taking the shots. My stomach is starting to get quite colorful from my injections, it was made all the more clear to me when I put on a white shirt to go to the doctor this morning and you could actually see my latest, biggest, and darkest bruise through the shirt. No, my shirt was not see-through, my bruise was just that dark. Imagine wearing a black bra with a white shirt, it's gonna show up no matter how thick the shirt is. :) Just another fun side effect of the medication. The appointment went well, the nurse called back this afternoon with the blood test results and everything looked good. I have a little change-up in my medications tonight and will continue with them until I go back next Tuesday for another round of blood work and ultrasound. Tessa went with me to my doctor's appointment this morning, I didn't have a sitter for her, and the appointments are usually so quick. She was the star of the office, all the nurses were ooohhing and aaahhhing over her. She was winning everybody over with talk of her upcoming birthday party and her favorite toys. I'm sure the staff there enjoys getting to see one of their babies coming back to visit. A reminder of why they do what they do. She went in with me for the ultrasound, and it was so sweet, and yet kinda sad at the same time. The tech did a quick ultrasound to see that everything looked good, she didn't say a whole lot, and when she turned the machine off Tessa said, "hey...where the baby go?" The tech kinda chuckled, and it made me smile. I turned to her and said, "sweetie, there is no baby, not yet at least." She really does comprehend so much of what is going on around her. So much more than I realized she does. We talk about it with her a little, we pray with her at night that God would bring her a baby brother or baby sister. She watches me take my shots, (and always asks me, "you feel better now, Mommy?"), but I know there's limits to what a two year old can comprehend so I don't explain a lot of it to her. She's watching and listening though. She gets so much more than I realized. My prayer for her tonight as I am becoming more and more aware is that God would protect her from the emotional strain that I feel throughout this process. It's hard enough on me, I don't want her to have to feel the stress and strain of the situation too.

It's looking like it's very possible that we will be transferring on April 26th, which is about 16 days away. Pray for us, pray for that day, pray for our last two babies that everything will go smoothly and that when we go back in for our pregnancy test that we get our happy ending.

Here We Go Again...

Here we go again, yes, I am almost a week into the last of this round of FET cycles. Last Thursday morning, I went in for a blood draw and was given the all clear to start my Lupron injections. I take those daily, every evening, right around 8pm. So far, it's been going fine. I was nervous to do the first one, but after it was done, it kinda felt like old times again. Sad, I know. The medicine has been making me feel not too well in the evenings. I am extremely tired, and get achy and uncomfortable and super super emotional, which is not much fun. I feel like I've been on the verge of tears for a week. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I'm not exactly sure when we will end up transferring these last two precious babies of ours, but probably around the end of April, is my best guess. Please pray, we need all the prayers we can get. We so desperately want for this cycle to be the one that works.

I was so excited to get started again with this last cycle, I was really ready to get going. As the days are passing, I am getting more and more nervous and scared too. I'm trying to, but I think it's natural given our situation. I'm terrified that we are going to once again hear bad news. I want to trust completely that God is going to answer this desperate cry of ours, but it may not be in His plan, as much as I want it, it may not. I need peace as we progress throughout this cycle, I know it's only going to get more and more intense, and I just need to pray that God's peace would cover David and I through this all. We are both excited, but so scared at the same time. Every other cycle we've done, there's always been that fear of what if it's negative, but there was also always the comfort in knowing that we still had another try because there were still embryos frozen, I don't have that comfort this time, so I have to look up to find my comfort.

Easter is less than a week away, and last night David and I sat down to color Easter eggs with Tessa. She loved it, she really had a great time. I think she probably cracked as many eggs as she colored, my goofy girl. These first two pictures are from last night's egg coloring extravaganza!

I love Easter, it's the most amazing time of the year to celebrate what our Savior did for us on the cross. We had a great service in church on Sunday, I'm quite certain I cried through most of it. It just really moves my heart to see and hear the sacrifice that He made for me so that I could be with Him someday. This year, I admit, Easter is bringing back some different memories for me as well. It really hit me when we sat down to dye eggs last night. April 12, 2011 was the day that I got my positive home pregnancy test from the first FET cycle that we did. We got to spend the whole Easter season preparing to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus knowing and thanking Him every minute of every day for the special blessing He had given us. When we color eggs, we always write our names on them and make one egg for each member of our family. Last year, we made an egg for Daddy, Mommy, Tessa and Baby. We didn't want to jinx it and sway the gender one way or the other, so we made the baby's egg a yellow one. I intentionally omitted the picture below from my facebook albums from Easter because it was still too early to share with anyone other than our closest friends, but we were just so excited. Tessa was going to be a big sister and she was excited too. On Easter Sunday we shared the news with the rest of my mom's side of the family when we gathered at my grandparents' house for our Easter dinner. It was the day after Easter, that Monday when we went in for our ultrasound to see if we had one or two babies and if it(they) had implanted in a good spot when we found out that we had lost the baby.

Sometimes it is unbelievable that it has been a year since we lost that baby and 15 months since we started this whole process. So many of the days have passed in a blur, but I had to make a conscious effort to not let all this time slip away from me. This was such a special year in Tessa's life, she learned and did so many new things that I didn't want to miss any of it. I didn't want to look back at that time of my life and realize that I had been so wrapped up in my own sorrow and misery that I missed watching Tessa grow up.

We have given ourselves several months off, I feel refreshed and ready to tackle this cycle. Please pray for us that this one is our good news, that this cycle will be the one that works. We have two precious little babes waiting and I am so anxious to have them inside me and pray that they will find the perfect place to settle for the next nine months.

A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 8

There are so many things that I am so very thankful for, and I want to mention those things as well.

I am thankful for my husband. I often forget that he walks through these struggles at the same time I do, and while he expresses his feelings very differently than I do, I know he hurts too. He is such a support to me and is usually the first one willing to get back on the horse after we have been through a failed cycle. He encourages me and jokes with me and keeps my spirits high. When I’m all crazy from the hormone injections, he takes most of my griping and mood swings in stride. While we have definitely had our moments of stress, he’s always there to hold my hand, even if I forget to hold his. He is a great father and husband and we’re in it for the long haul together, no matter what obstacles we have to cross on our way.

I’m thankful for my daughter. Looking at her keeps me going every day. It’s because I feel so incredibly blessed to have her that it makes me want to have another one. She has wiped away more tears than anyone has. I can remember sitting on the kitchen floor crying after a phone call from the doctor’s office, and she came and sat in my lap and said, “Mommy, you sad?”And after wiping away my tears, she said, “all better.” Yes, she makes it all better. The best cure for my repeated broken heart is to hold my girl tight and snuggle with her. I am forever grateful that I have her. I know there are many people who suffer through infertility and never get to have a biological child of their own, and I don’t pretend to know how that would feel. No matter what happens, I have Tessa and she makes every day worth it. I love her with a love that I never thought I could experience. She has her mommy’s sass and her daddy’s love of music, her mommy’s ability to jabber nonstop and her daddy’s wild and craziness. She is the best parts of both of us. She is spunky, loving, sensitive, energetic and sweet. She is perfect.

I’m thankful for my parents. Not only have they been a huge financial support to us this year, but more so an emotional one. It’s hard to watch your child suffer over and over again and I’m thankful for all they have to help me and our family. I have appreciated the shopping trips, dinners out and dinners brought over, phone calls when I’m in tears over another announced pregnancy, and never-ending prayers for us to get all that our hearts have dreamed of. I know they will continue to be there for us to support us in all that we do and to help us achieve our dreams in any way they can.

I’m thankful for the rest of my family: my sisters and their families, David’s parents and my brother in laws and sister in laws on his side. Most of all I have appreciated their prayers and emotional support as I know they want this for us as much as we do. They have been my babysitters when I had appointments and food support when I needed a pick-me-up. Family is family and I know that they hurt along with you.

I’m thankful for my small group and church family. We have shared it all with our small group and they continue to pray for us week in and week out. They are there to bring us dinner when I’m resting after a transfer and cry with us when it failed again. There have been many people in our church family who we have shared our story with and who have prayed for us and are there to offer hugs and be there to do whatever we need. They are the extension of God’s hands to us in a physical way, as the church should be.

I’m thankful for my friends of all kinds. I have friends that are close to me and I’ve known for a long time, but who have a hard time understanding what we’re going through. It doesn’t matter, they are always supportive, willing to help when needed. They have offered to take Tessa off my hands so I can rest, bring food, take me out when I need a break or just sit with me when I need a friend. I have a friend who doesn’t live close, but has been through this stuff and is there to offer support. She sends me e-mails and cards with encouraging scripture verses that seems to speak to me in the moment I need it most. I never knew how much I would appreciate the support of having someone who’s been through this and made it to the other side. She and I have a very special bond. I have another friend who we went through this all together at the same time when I had Tessa, and she did it again but had success before our crazy year started. She and I spent so much time on the phone being there to vent with each other. Our stories may be a little different, but we get it, and I’m thankful to have her to talk to when I needed it. I also have a very special friend who I have gotten close with throughout the last year. She is my IVF friend and she and I are both still walking through it. Our texts and emails mean so much to me. It has often ended up that we cycle about the same time, and it’s so helpful to have someone walking with you side by side. We share so many of the same frustrations and struggles, and it’s so encouraging to know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels this way. I am so thankful for her every day.

I’m thankful for what I’ve learned about myself through this. I’ll admit, my life had been pretty cushy. I had never faced major trials, maybe they seemed it at the time, but in light of what I’ve been through in the last 3 years, it was miniscule. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I never imagined I could go through something like this. I used to look on people like me and pity them, always knowing that I couldn’t do it. But I can do it, and I do with God’s help. I’ve learned that my family is what’s most important to me. I’ve developed a pretty tough skin to people and their unwanted and unnecessary comments. Everyone’s going to have their own opinion and they are welcome to it, but I know what’s right for me and for my family. There are many ways in which I feel like I don’t like the person infertility turned me into, the anger, jealousy and bitterness, but that part comes in waves, usually riding the wave of an unsuccessful cycle. In the wake, I’m left with me, I believe in every person’s right and ability to pursue what they dream. I’ve learned not to ask people when they are going to have a baby, because you never know their story and how much pain that simple question might bring. I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I’ve learned that dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone dreams when they’re young of their perfect future and makes all their wonderful plans. Things don’t always work out how you imagine them, and that’s okay because despite our grandest ideas, God’s plan for us puts ours to shame. He knows what’s best for us.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know for sure that we have another FET that will be coming up in the next month or two. Pray for us. Pray for success. Pray for physical and emotional strength for David and I and Tessa and as we walk through this last step of this part of the journey. We want more than anything, for this last FET to be our success story, but if God chooses for this last transfer to not work, pray that we would have guidance as to what step to take next, more fertility treatments or move toward pursuing adoption. We believe with our whole hearts that God has another child waiting for us, we’re just still in the fog right now as to how that’s going to play out. We don’t have to worry about the future because we are loved by the One who holds the future. Our story isn’t finished yet, and for that, I’m thankful. I’m excited about the future, and nervous at the same time. God only gives you what He knows you can handle, and while there are times that I have wondered if He has overestimated my strength, I’m glad to know that He knew. He has pushed this control freak to her limit so that I have had no choice left but to rely on Him completely. When I feel like I’m falling and unable to continue, I know that He is holding me and He loves me.

Infertility is something that stays with you. I had hoped that after I had Tessa so many of the hurts and pains would go away, but it didn’t. The wounds do heal, but the scars remain. There are women who have been through it, women going through it, and women who are still waiting, and I know to those women it can seem daunting. I have my support from women who have been through it, and I have my support of someone going through it, and I hope that I can be support to someone who is still waiting or getting ready to start the process. You can do it on your own, but why would you want to. God gives us the trials, but He also gives us the ability to face those trials. Over the years, I have prayed and prayed and asked God to show me why it had to be me. I don’t understand it all, and I may never, but the one thing I feel He has spoken to me is that I face this trial so that I can learn from it and turn around and help someone else to needs it. I will take all the prayers we can get and it is my hope and prayer that I am able to help someone who needs someone to lean on. I’m excited to be able to continue sharing our story as it unfolds, because I’m thankful that our story doesn’t have an ending yet. God is good, all the time!

A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 7

With time, the hurt started to fade. It helped that the Christmas season was nearing close. There are few things I love more than Christmas trees and Christmas shopping and Christmas carols and Christmas cookies. I did my best to power through it. The hurt and pain would resurface at times I wouldn’t expect it, like when I went shopping for my mother-in-laws Christmas gift. I knew what I had wanted to get her, and it was going to be our way of announcing the pregnancy, but no, I had to change my plans now. I found myself crying every time I would hear Away in a Manger, Christmas always makes me emotional, thinking about God becoming flesh for us, but this year, the emotions were mixed with so much more. Then my birthday was approaching. Honestly, I love my birthday, I always have, but this year, I was dreading it. It was the due date of the baby I lost. I was hoping so badly to be pregnant again by the time this day rolled around, that hopefully it would help to absorb some of the sting, but no, that wasn’t in the cards for me. On top of that, a friend of mine was having her 20 week ultrasound on my birthday to find out the gender of her baby. She was great though, so sensitive, and offered to tell me the results on a different day if I thought it would be too much for me. I really do have great friends. Much to my surprise, my birthday came, and it was a great day. Tessa makes everything better. My family was wonderful, we had a great dinner out and cheesecake for dessert. A day I was dreading turned into a lovely memory. I was sad at times, yes, but it was outweighed by the way my family was such a blessing to me.

I knew I needed a break from the cycles. My body had flipped out on me. I was having anxiety attacks and feeling very down and depressed. I needed to step away from it for a while. I’m not sure if it was the medication or just my body’s protective reaction to all the pain it had experienced, I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t continue on without some healing time. We have two embryos left. Since he’ll transfer two at a time, this is the last of our FET cycles. If this next cycle doesn’t work, then we have some decisions to make. I’m sure my doctor gets annoyed with me, after every cycle, I question why it didn’t work and if there is something different that we can try. I question where there is something else wrong that we have missed. I question it all. His response is always the same, there’s about a 50/50 chance of it working every time. He gives me the coin analogy. If you flipped a coin four times and it came up heads every time, would you think there was something wrong with the coin? No, it’s just how it happens. So on one hand I feel like the odds are stacking up against me, four failed cycles, it’s not looking good for the last one. On the other hand, I think four failed cycles, with a supposed 50/50 chance, this next one has got to work. I have continued to deal with a lot of anger and frustration from this last cycle and all that we’ve gone through.

My mom told me something that has helped me so much. She heard this from a lady she works with who teaches a Bible study to young adult women. I’m paraphrasing a bit here and sharing what I got out of it most, but the idea was that you need to take your biggest hurts and frustrations and visualize wrapping it up in a beautiful gift box. Then, picture yourself walking up the stairs to God’s throne with your gift, reaching the top and handing it to Him. Now, it’s not polite to take a gift back after you’ve given away, and certainly you wouldn’t take back a gift you give to God, your Heavenly Father. Once you give it, you no longer have it and it’s not yours to worry about it. I have taken that to heart. Unfortunately, I haven’t mastered the not taking it back part, but I’m working on it. Almost daily, in my prayer time, I do that, I give that box back to the Lord. I give Him my hurt, pain, frustration, anger, worry, and fear about our situation. It’s a pretty big box, but I know nothing is too big for my God to handle. It helps me so much. Then, another day comes and those things start sneaking back into my life, and I have to do it all over again. Someday I want to be able to give it away and never take it back. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I know that God has good and big plans for me.

During one of my harder times, David and I were talking and he shared with me a song that had been so inspiring for him. I had heard this song many times before, as it is on the same cd as my Faithful God song, but sometimes I get in a bit of a rut and can’t see outside of my box. I gave the song a listen and felt so uplifted by it. I’m so thankful David opened my eyes to it. It’s called You Are For Me and it’s by Gateway Worship:

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are

So patient
So graceful
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I love that part that says, “I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness.” So many times I need to be reminded that He is for me. He is on my side. There have been so many times that my flesh has battled in thinking that I am fighting against Him, like this is something I am fighting for, but He doesn’t want for me, so He’s fighting against me, but I have it all wrong. He is FOR me. He’s on my side. He’s fighting for me. Referring back to Desert Song, He is refining me through this flame, through this fire I’m walking through right now.

This is an ongoing struggle. There are issues that I battle with every day. I think I’m now currently up to 11 friends and family, all who are expecting babies anywhere from April to September. Each one is a little harder to hear about than the previous one. It’s not that I’m not happy for them and excited for them, I certainly am, I realize I may have a funny way of showing, but I really am. It is just another reminder of something I desperately want but can’t seem to attain.

I struggle with the battle of feeling like I am a bad mother because I keep going through this time after time. A little voice inside of me makes me feel so guilty telling me, isn’t Tessa enough? Why aren’t you happy with just her? I know it’s the devil trying to psyche me out. Tessa is my whole world and if she is my only child, then she is more than enough, (she certainly keeps me busy enough). I want another child for her as much as I do for myself. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel so blessed to have grown up with two sisters and I know how much better my life is because of them, and I want her to have that chance too.

Along with what I said before, I struggle so much with jealousy. One of my sisters and I run a business and one of the most popular things that we do is appliqued shirts, and of those, the most popular thing we sell is the Big Sis and Little Sis shirts. A little part of me hurts every time I have to make one, especially when the Big Sis shirt is a tiny size. It’s so hard for me, knowing that some people can have babies at the drop of a hat and often when they aren’t even trying for them. It’s often the little things that are a constant reminder to me.

I struggle often with the fear of what might happen if this next cycle doesn’t work. Am I going to be able to accept that? Even throughout all the failure and disappointment we have had in the last year, there has always been a glimmer of hope, because there is always the next cycle. What is the next one doesn’t work? How am I going to come to terms with it? I don’t know if we will physically, emotionally and financially be able to afford starting another cycle, so this very well could be my last shot at having another biological child of my own.

I also struggle so much with the feelings of failure. Not being able to conceive a child on our own often makes me feel like a failure as a wife, as a mother and as a woman. During every month that I wasn’t getting pregnant on my own (before Tessa) and after every failed cycle, I feel as though I have let David down. This is what I am supposed to be able to do as his wife, and I can’t. I hate letting him down. Then it puts into question my abilities as a mother. Why won’t these babies attach and stay in my body? I am their mother, why can’t I get them to stay with me? The question is always in my mind that maybe I have done something wrong in how I have raised Tessa and the way that I mother her, and that’s why I’m not being allowed to have another child. And it all falls back on my feelings of failure as a woman. God designed my body for this purpose, but I can’t fulfill it. With all of the pressures of society are me, when my body doesn’t do what it was made to do, it makes me feel like failure as a woman. Just as if when I had been teaching, if I had been unable to effectively teach my class so that they could learn what was necessary, I would have felt like a failure as teacher, because it is such a struggle to get pregnant, when it’s something I have been created to do, it makes me feel like a failure as a woman, a mother and a wife. However, like many of the other struggles I deal with on a daily basis, I know that these feelings are a spiritual attack on me, trying to get me to doubt God and the way that He made me. I have to fight back against the devil’s attacks and trust that God created David and I this way because He has a plan for us, a bigger one than what I can see with my limited human vision. God doesn’t make mistakes, and if He chose for David and I to fight this battle, there is a reason.

Lately we have more seriously been considering the idea of adoption. David has always wanted to adopt, long before we ever thought we would have to undergo fertility treatments of any kind, but it was never something I felt as strongly about. Over the last 6 months or so, my heart has really turned toward it. If this last cycle doesn’t work, we may start looking into adoption, or even if it does, maybe adopting a few years down the road. Not that adoption is an easy road by any means, I don’t know much about it except that it’s expensive and it can take a long time. There’s the decision of whether to adopt domestically or internationally, both have their own list of challenges. Then after all this is said and done, I go back to my feelings of frustration that I have to deal with all these issues in the first place. When it feels like everyone around me (with the exception of a couple of my infertility friends) can fill up their house with little ones the good old fashioned way and have them anytime they want. Why couldn’t that have been me? Then there’s the cost of it all. Having and raising children costs enough, why does it have to cost me so much just in an attempt to get one? It just seems so unjust.

But just when I think I can’t take it anymore and fill myself with pity and sorrow that I have to go through all this garbage, I look at my Tessa. I look at her and I am thankful for the pain and the stress and hurt that we went through, because without it, we wouldn’t have her. I wouldn’t trade it all in for anything. This time around it’s a little harder, because as of yet, I don’t have that sweet face to look at and say it was all worth it. If I had a guarantee in the end that no matter what we went through, someday, I will carry another baby, I would keep at no matter what. The scary part is that there is no guarantee. I could keep doing IVF for the next ten years and never get a baby, or I could stop after this next cycle and who knows, maybe the one after that would have worked.


It’s when I start to drift there that I have to go back to my Candyland board game. I may not know what direction my life is going to take, but God does, and I have to trust that He will lead me step and by step and whatever direction He takes me in, will be the right one, even if it’s different than what I thought was the right path. Trust me, that’s a lot easier to say than to do, and some days I believe it a lot more than I do others, but if I can’t believe that He loves me enough to take care of me and do what’s best for me, than what do I have to believe in. I’ve said it many times before, but I have been so blessed through music in all that we’ve been through. I just heard a song for the first time last week, David got the new Cari Jobe album and there was a song that just moved me, it’s called Steady my Heart:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You’re here
You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when its hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What’s good and what get broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
You’re my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

Sometimes I feel like it’s all falling apart around me, but God is there to hold me in His hands. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13. There is no way I could have made it through this past year still standing on two feet if He weren’t holding me up throughout it all. He is my strength