2013: A New Family for a New Year

It's no secret, 2012 wasn't the best year for the Lee family, let's face it, 2011 wasn't any easier. It's been two years now since we started our process to add another new life to our family. It was the second week of January in 2011 that I started with our IVF cycle. I can honestly say that back then, even in my wildest thoughts, I absolutely NEVER would have imagined the path that the last two years has led us down. Two year ago, I was nervous doing this IVF cycle because I was overreacting to the medications and was hyperstimulating and producing too many follicles. My fears were so much more realistic that I was afraid we would end up having far more kids that I had in mind (or we could afford). I just never would have dreamed that two years later, I'd be in the same position that I was then. The thought never once crossed my mind.

None the less, it's been about 9 months since we lost our last two little babes, and while it has been a long healing process, I feel like I can safely say that I am in a much better place than I was. It has taken a lot of time and a whole lot of prayer, but I feel like I am past the cloud of fog that I was living in. I'm enjoying every part of my life again and I am a much  happier person. God has truly done a miraculous work in my heart, my mind and my family. While we still don't know exactly what steps we are going to take and when, I feel that I have a renewed hope that God will be faithful to bring our family into the best place that we could ever imagine. And for now, that's enough for me. There's a new song that David introduced to our church family a couple weeks ago, and the simple words are a constant reminder to me.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

I will love you Lord my strength
I will love you Lord my shield
I will love you Lord my rock, forever
all my days, I will love you God

It's that first line that gets to me every time, it almost takes my breath away. "God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed". For anyone who knows me really well, you know that's a challenge for me. I always try to take on more than I need to, often more than I can, and it does totally overwhelm me. This song just speaks to me, it's my reminder that I can look to God, I can count on Him, and I don't have to be overwhelmed. I don't have to take on all these burdens myself. So as I look at our family and am loving every minute that we are wonderful little family of 3, I don't feel the need to worry about what's the next step and when to take it, because I know God has it all under control. I just need to keep my eyes on Him, and He takes care of it.

2013 is going to be great year for our family, I am certain of it. It's been a long couple of years, and the stress of it all has definitely taken it's toll on our family. David and I really sat down and talked and decided that we really wanted to make some major changes in our lives for this year. I always say this, I don't believe in New Year's resolution's, I never have. In my mind, I have failed at every New Year's resolution I have ever made, so I don't make them anymore, it feels like setting myself up for failure. We did, however, decide hat we needed to make some changes, all for the better.

Over the last couple of years, I have been slowly putting on some extra weight, and even during the times when David has been really motivated to be healthy and lose weight, I have had absolutely no desire. Throughout all that we were dealing with, my weight was the last thing on my mind. I didn't gain a ton, I'm not gonna qualify for The Biggest Loser anytime soon, but I just didn't feel as good about myself. So he and I decided we were going to join up with Weight Watchers again (which is how David dropped his big 140 pound weight loss the first time a few years ago). So we both signed up for the online version where we can track points and whatnot on our iphones, and it has been going so well! We've been at it for 3.5 weeks and I am down almost 9 pounds and David is down somwhere around 18 or 19. It's been incredible for us. We both just feel so much better. I feel like we are making healthier choices and setting a better example of health for our daughter. She is only going to learn by example and I feel so proud of the example that we are setting for her right now. In doing this together, we are able to encourage each other and keep each other accountible and motivated.

Another change that we have made in bringing our family together closer is to spend more time at home. I'm home quite a bit since I co-run my own business with my sister, but I used to go over to her house at least two nights a week and we would work all hours of the night making shirts and getting orders out, and I felt like I never saw my family. Because then on the nights I was home, David was usually gone because he has church commitments on Wednesday nights and takes classes at the community college for work, so we were seeing so little of each. It was kind of unintentional, more brought on by the fact that my sister's whole house got sick after Christmas and I didn't want to be over there and get sick myself or bring germs home to Tessa, but I decided to bring one of the embroidery machines to my house to make shirts here, on my own time. My sister and I are discovering that this is working out really well. Hats are slow this time of year, and don't really pick up again busy until fall, and now that I have a machine here and can work on my own time, we are keeping more ahead of orders than we did before, AND I get to spend my evenings home with my family. David is still taking a class, but it's one night a week, and that's girls night for Tessa and I.

We also committed to only having one night a month out to dinner as a family. We used to eat out a lot and this has been awesome. Yes, we still go out with his parents or my parents, but as for just the three of us eating out, we decided it's going to be once a month. It helps us so much! For one, we are home as a family so much more, not out running around and doing errands and spending so much time in the car. Two, it's helpful for us with doing our Weight Watchers...yes, you can eat within points when you go out, and we do, but for the most part, I can get a lot more food for my points when I fix it myself. And three, it is saving us SO much money! What a huge stress reliever to have a less money draining from our bank account when we are trying really hard to be more financially aware and smarter with how we spend and save our money.

I can also say that through these things that we are making a choice to do, I have seen such a difference in Tessa. She's always been a sweet, kind and loving girl, but she has a very strong will. (It's the strong-willed kids that rule the world, right?) We have seen such a difference in her over the last few months, and especially the last few weeks. Our home is happier, for the most part, less stressed, and she has more time to spend with both of her parents and we both have been more consistent with her and making an effort to pay more attention to little details overlooked before. When she spends all her time with just one parent, then the other (because one of us was gone), she goes by the rules of whichever parent was home. But when we're both here, there's a more regular set of rules and expectations. I see a 3 year old who sits at the dinner table to eat her meal then clears her plate afterwards. Her short temper is getting much "longer" as she is better at asking for help rather than just getting frustrated and upset. She's more polite and more aware of other people's feelings. She's quick to apologize and ask forgiveness. She obeys. I realize some of this comes with maturity and would have happened anyway, but over the last few months, I have seen a remarkable change in her. I have a hard time not drawing a connection between the fact that she's happier and thriving more because I am more like myself again. My mom told me the other day, "You're like a different person, you don't know how bad you really were when you were in the middle of it all." Our long battle with the fertility treatments took a toll on me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But when I was in the middle of it all, I wasn't able to see the effect that it was having on those around me that I love the most.

Last night was our dinner out, and we didn't even have to pay for it all because we had a gift card given to us from when David sang in my cousin's wedding last month. And it was at dinner that we sat there, and said how proud we were of ourselves for how our family has benefitted because of the changes we've made, even in such a short time.

This year is going to be a great one because we are taking control of what we can take control of, and putting everything else in God's hands. We are going to be a healthier family, we are going to be more responsible with our finances and we are going to be a happier family because we are prioritizing our familiy more than ever before. When you think of us, keep us in your prayers. It still breaks my heart every night when Tessa prays for a baby brother or a baby sister (or once in a while 2 babies!). It was only last night at dinner that Tessa saw a baby at the table next to us and announces loud and proud, "Hey, there's a baby! I want a baby brother!" My response to her was, "Keep praying, baby girl." We would still love more than anything to add a new baby to our family. Pray for us that we'll get a clear leading from God about when and where and what and that we'll be able to save up the money that we need to do it...or better yet, that we might just get the surprise of our lives with a miracle baby! Keep us in your prayers as we continue down this path.