It has been 18 days since we got our test results back. In many ways, it has been a very long 18 days. Today was the day that I finally took my ultrasound picture down from the fridge. That is always a big step for me, as I feel like it's the time when I am coming to grips with my reality and am beginning to accept what has happened. I added my picture to what is unfortunately becoming quite a collection of ultrasound pictures from our previous cycles. Tessa's birthday was coming up quickly after our results came in, so while I sat and moped for a few days, I threw myself into party planning. I'm pretty sure I went a little overboard. When Saturday morning came to start decorating for her party and my list of things to do was growing extremely long and my house was full of balloons all over the floor and decorations piled up on the couches and loads of streamers were needing to be hung, it hit me that I have really tried to bury myself in this party. Thankfully, my mom helped me get food ready and my sister in law came early and took charge of getting decorations hung, otherwise it would have never all come together. My mom, kinda jokingly, kinda not, suggested she's a little afraid of what might happen to me after the party when reality sets in. I reminded her that we have vacation to plan for then, and I will get busy getting ready for that. That's when the concern turned to what might happen after vacation, when I no longer have something big to prepare for and distract myself. It's totally legitimate, and I have thought the same things myself, but just haven't vocalized them. I'm sure it's not the best way to deal with all of this, but in my mind, I'm just hoping if I keep distracted long enough that maybe the hurt will just heal itself. One can hope, right?
Throughout this last cycle, I tried really hard not to look ahead and make plans. With as much disappointment as we had been through in the last year and half, it was hard not to think positively that it would work, and at the same time it just seemed inevitable that it wouldn't work. That may seem contradictory, and it doesn't make sense, but it's just how your emotions are. In my positive moments, I was sure it would work and that God would give us both of our babies. I had even thought ahead so much that I figured my ultrasound would come before Tessa's birthday, and that I was going to tell my family the ultrasound wasn't until the next week so that when I found it it was twins we could surprise everybody at Tessa's party. I was going to make her a cute shirt somehow announcing she would be a big sister to twins. I had it all planned out. That thought came to my mind on Friday night when I was making her birthday shirt to wear for the weekend. Again, it's another strike of reality. Tessa has been such a sweetheart though. As much as I have been in a really hard place, she is my reminder of faith. There were so many days when I would sit down to pray and sit in silence because I didn't even know how to pray. I was, and still am, hurting so badly that my brain couldn't form the words that my heart were feeling. Tessa still has her faith though. When I would sit down to pray with her before bed, we would say her prayer, thank God for the day and the great things we did and ask for blessings on the next day and say amen. That's when she interjects and says, "what about my baby sister?" We had spent every night for the past month or two praying for God to bring her baby brothers or baby sisters, then I stopped praying for that with her because I couldn't form the words. But at the prompting of my two year old (now three year old), we would pray and tell God that only He can know how much we really do want a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa and ask Him to bring her one. I am thankful to my little princess for her faith, because it was through her prompting to continue to pray for a baby that I was finally able to verbalize my prayers for it too.
The days have been long. Some are much better than others. Some days I hardly think about it at all, and other days, it's on my mind so much of the time. I feel like I'm finally able to take phone calls from my friends again. I know I blocked so many of them out in the last couple of weeks, and for that I'm sorry. I really needed my space and I hope I didn't hurt any of them in process. I have thought often of one my friends during this time. She and I went through the infertility process at the same time when I got pregnant with Tessa, her son was due two weeks after I was. When they started trying again to have another one, they went through three failed IUI cycles, then had an IVF cycle that got cancelled, then it looked like their next IVF would get cancelled, but they ended up switching to an IUI and that one worked. I can remember talking to her after the 3rd failed IUI, at that time we were just getting ready to start our whole process again, we had our first consultation with our doctor in just a few weeks. I can remember feeling so sorry for her and so much pain for her that they had had three disappointments in a row, and I told her, "I don't know how you are still functioning, there is no way that I would be able to keep going after having three failed cycles." Huh. Who would have known. Here I am, after 5 failed cycles, and I'm still standing. Some days I feel like that's all I'm doing, just standing, and on those days, I think that's enough. When it's just Tessa and me at home, I feel like I'm doing pretty good, then I hop on facebook or head out the door and I am flooded with newborn babies and pregnancies. I want so badly for it to not hurt. I really do. I can smile and say the right things, but what I want is for it not to hurt my heart, but I'm not sure how to fix that. How I feel is how I feel, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe it's too soon to try, I don't know. So many of my friends are pregnant or have just had babies, and I feel like a bad friend because I don't ask enough questions about how things are going or oooh and aaahhh over the babies. My sister is pregnant, and while I'm so excited for her, again, I feel bad because I know I don't talk to her enough about it, especially these last few weeks, I don't think I've brought it up once. I'm back to that guilt that I felt before because my situation not only affects me, but the people around me too.
But today....today is the day that we attempt to move forward. When the nurse called me 18 days ago to give me the news, she said my doctor would like us to come in for a return consultation so we can discuss our options in moving forward. At the time, I told her I needed to call back and make the appointment. It was not something I could do in the moment. So I called the following Monday and was shocked when she said they had an opening the next day, so I scheduled the appointment. As the day dragged on, I realized that I just wasn't ready to go in and talk to him yet. I hadn't had a chance to clear my head and get a good idea of what I wanted to talk to him about and the questions that I wanted to ask, so I called back again and rescheduled the appointment. We go in today. David and I will sit down with him and hear what he has to say. I'm really not sure what he's going to tell us, but I'm anxious to hear it. I want to know what he thinks our best options are for moving ahead and then we're going to leave and take some time to think it over and pray about it. I'm not ready to jump into anything. We're not entirely sure if we will pursue anything else at all, I think we will, but just throwing in the towel and putting all of our attention on Tessa is one of the options we're considering. I'm just not sure how much more ups and downs I can put myself through. These last 17 months have put me through the ringer and I am just not sure how much more I can handle. I'm hoping to leave the appointment today, not with answers, because I know I won't get those, but with some good information that we will take and mull over for the next few months.
Through it all, we have felt so incredibly blessed. David and I have said so many times that all of this that we have gone through has only magnified the fact that Tessa being here is such an incredible miracle. The odds for success with that procedure were like 25-30%, and here she is. It seemed so easy at the time. I see now that none of it's easy, she truly is our miracle and we are so thankful for it. It's been great having her birthday in the middle of all of this because we have been able to focus on her and celebrate how blessed we are to have her in our lives. I hug her a little tighter every night and tell her I love her a few more times a day. She is my greatest blessing. And while some may look at me and think I'm a little bit of an overprotective mother, if they knew what we'd been through, they'd understand. After losing 10 babies, I am only all too aware of what a gift a child is and I will do whatever I need to do to protect her and keep her safe. Ultimately, everything is in God's hands, but He has trusted me with her care, and I will do everything in my power to do the best job I can taking care of her.
We have also been given another absolutely incredible gift. Mother's Day fell on the weekend that we got our results back. I didn't go to church that morning, I knew my limits and I knew that would be pushing it, so I spent my mother's day home with my best girl. Anyway, David still had to go to church because he had to lead worship. He called me around 9:45, after worship would have been finished and told me some incredible news. He told me that a good friend at church had been talking to him and said he and his wife just really wanted to bless us in some way that would be helpful to us. He had asked if we were planning on taking a vacation this year, and David told him no, we just don't have the money, and he asked if we would be willing to take a vacation if he and his wife paid for the accomodations. We were absolutely so blown away by his incredible generosity. Long story short, we thought about where we'd like to go and worked it out with him and in 12 days we are leaving for a week to go stay in Gatlinburg, TN (Pigeon Forge, actually) to spend a week relaxing and having some fun family time in the mountains. There is no way that we could have afforded this on our own and we just couldn't feel more blessed. We still needed to come up with the money for gas and for spending while we're down there, which was proving to be a challenge, especially with Tessa's birthday and all the expenses that come with birthdays and throwing and a party and whatnot, but we figured there are plenty of things to do down there that don't have to cost a lot of money, and we're fine with that, we just want some time to spend as a family and to clear our heads of everything that's been going on. So you can imagine our surprise when, over the last few days, we have had two different family members give us gifts of money for us to use on our vacation because they want us to relax and have a good time. We just feel so loved and so lifted up by our community of family and friends that have surrounded us during these last few week, months, and last year and a half. We are so incredibly blessed. We may walk through trials and not always understand why God choses for us to face those giants, but He always gives us what we need to deal with our situation. On the Saturday before Mother's Day, the day after our results came in, I had been talking to my mom and told her, "what we really need is a vacation, " (knowing that financially it was in no way possible) and the next morning, we had our vacation dropped in our laps. I may never understand why God chose me to walk down this path, but I know that He has provided for us along the way, and I know that it has made me a stronger person because of it all. If I can face losing 10 babies and still come out fighting, I can do anything.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our appointment today that we would feel hopeful after we leave. Pray that God would show us the next step for us to take, no matter what that step is. Pray for us as we are still healing from our incredible heartbreak. I'm thankful the good days outnumber the bad ones now, but that doesn't mean the bad ones are gone. And please pray that our miracle is still on the way. Thanks for following our story and hopefully, it's not finished yet.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Results Are In...
Today was the day. When you do a regular IVF cycle, my doctor does his transfers in the morning, so you go back seven days later for a pregnancy test, but with the FETs, he does those transfers in the afternoon, and because they want you to have a full week before testing, you come back on the following Friday for bloodwork. The last couple of days have been jittery, as I describe it. I've been really trying hard to keep busy and keep my mind off of things. Yesterday, I think I about 5 loads of laundry, baked a cake, cleaned the house, then as soon as David got home from work we got ready and took off for downtown Naperville to hang out for the evening. I just needed to keep busy. Didn't sleep great last night, so much on my mind with the blood test today. It took me until well after midnight to fall asleep, then after waking up several times throughout the night, Tessa got up at six, and we were up for the day. We lounged a bit this morning before getting ready to head into the office. My appointment was 9. We were in and out. All they had to do with draw a little blood. After that, I met my sister and nephews at Jo-Ann to pick up a few things, then headed over to Hobby Lobby to pick up some ribbon for a birthday banner I'm working on for Tessa's birthday.
We headed home after that, because I knew it wouldn't be too long before the nurse was calling, and I really wanted to be home for that. Callbacks are supposed to be between 2 and 4:30, but very often, if they get the results from the lab back early, they call early. Tessa wanted to play outside, I wasn't feeling up to it, so I parked my car in the driveway and closed the garage door and just let her play and ride her bike in the garage. Around 11, I started logging into my patient portal every few minutes. A few times, the results have shown up there before the nurse has gotten a chance to call. Checked again at 11:15, nothing. Checked at 11:30, still nothing. Checked at 11:45 and saw that I had new lab results to view. That's when your heart really starts pounding. Granted, I had been nervous all morning, although, I will say, not near as nervous this time as I have been in the past. I really felt the Lord's peace over me throughout the day. I opened the link that said BHCG for today's date...and that's when my heart dropped. The results showed <1.00. I've seen that number before, too many times. It didn't work. I couldn't believe, still can't. Didn't hit me right away though. I texted David first off, and while I was waiting for him to respond, I called my mom. I tried the best I could to hold it together, but when I got off the phone with her that's when I broke down. I was out in the garage because Tessa had wanted my help to get a drum down off the shelf, and I just sat on the floor of the garage curled up and sobbing. David then texted back and said he was coming home. I was glad for that. I just sat there, I don't know how long, and cried. Tessa kept coming over to me and asking why I was so sad, and I decided to tell her the truth. After all, we'd been praying every day for God to bring her some baby brothers or baby sisters, (she has been saying all along that she wants a baby sister). So I very honestly took her in my lap and said, "I'm sad because we aren't going to have a new baby in our family." Her initial reaction broke my heart, she stood up, put her face in her hands and started crying. (Probably because that's what I was doing). Then she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "maybe tomorrow I have a baby sister." My sweet, innocent girl. I love her.
I pulled myself together enough to head back in the house to lay on the couch and cry. I got my phone out and texted my family and close friends that were waiting on pins and needles for results. I'm so thankful for the bounty of texts and e-mails that I got all morning telling me that they were praying for me today and couldn't wait to hear our good news. I'm so thankful for them. Every new replay that would come in giving me their sincerest condolences brought a new round of tears all over again. I don't understand it. About 45 minutes later, I did get a call from the doctor's office. The nurse said she had my results and that she was sorry, but it was negative. I told her I knew, I saw it online. She said doctor would like us to come in for a consultation to sit down and decide where to go from here. I told her I'd call back to set up the appointment, I just needed to get off the phone in that moment. I had held it together for about as long as I could handle.
I'm so very frustrated. I don't understand it. I know God has a plan, but I don't understand how or why it includes so much pain for us. You know, last week, in the week of the transfer I had 4 friends all deliver babies, and 3 of them came at least a week or two early. I remember sitting there thinking, well...either this is a good sign for us, or God is preparing me by having these babies born before we get our bad news back instead of after. I was hoping it was the former, but turns out it was the latter. I want to be angry, but I'm not, I'm just sad. One of the tv shows I follow is 19 Kids and Counting. Surprising, I know, that someone like me, with such infertility issues would enjoy watching a show about a family that can't stop having children, but I really do like it. All day long, I haven't been able to get out of my head what I saw in the last season's finale. Jim Bob and Michelle were going in for their ultrasound to find out the gender of their 20th child that she was pregnant with, and when they had the ultrasound, they found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. They had lost the baby. The first words out of Michelle's mouth were, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I realize that she had cameras on her, but I very strongly believe she would have done that regardless. That's where I'm at today. The Lord has given us so much in the gorgeous blonde haired-blue eyed girl that has showered me with hugs and kisses today. Yes, for whatever reason, He has chosen to take these last 10 babies from us. (Wow, that's a big number, first time I've said that) But He has a purpose in it all, there is something that He sees that I don't. And while I am immeasurably sad today, this too will pass.
I don't know what our next step is. I can't even go there right now. Right now I want to enjoy my beautiful girl and let her and David be my physical comforts over the next weeks. I feared these results coming back today, as Sunday is Mother's Day. While it's never a good time to find out you lost two babies, two days before Mother's Day seems cruel. Through it all, I'm so thankful that I am a mother, and I have my Tessa. There are so many women that go through the same things that I go through but never get the joy of a positive result, even if it's just once. I'm so thankful that isn't my story, and I pray continually for those who's story it is.
Please continue to pray for us. These next few days will be hard, especially Sunday. Pray that God would direct us toward the next step that He wants us to take. One of my friends left me a voicemail earlier today after I texted her our news and said she has been praying so much for us this week, and the word that God gave her about me was hope. She said she doesn't know what or where it's specifially leading, but that God wants me to have hope, that this isn't the end. I'm so thankful for friends and family who are willing to stand in the gap for us and intercede on our behalf. Hope is hard for me to feel today and I am overwhelmed with grief, but pray that it comes. Thank you to those who have been following our story and praying continually for us. We need those prayers now more than ever.
We headed home after that, because I knew it wouldn't be too long before the nurse was calling, and I really wanted to be home for that. Callbacks are supposed to be between 2 and 4:30, but very often, if they get the results from the lab back early, they call early. Tessa wanted to play outside, I wasn't feeling up to it, so I parked my car in the driveway and closed the garage door and just let her play and ride her bike in the garage. Around 11, I started logging into my patient portal every few minutes. A few times, the results have shown up there before the nurse has gotten a chance to call. Checked again at 11:15, nothing. Checked at 11:30, still nothing. Checked at 11:45 and saw that I had new lab results to view. That's when your heart really starts pounding. Granted, I had been nervous all morning, although, I will say, not near as nervous this time as I have been in the past. I really felt the Lord's peace over me throughout the day. I opened the link that said BHCG for today's date...and that's when my heart dropped. The results showed <1.00. I've seen that number before, too many times. It didn't work. I couldn't believe, still can't. Didn't hit me right away though. I texted David first off, and while I was waiting for him to respond, I called my mom. I tried the best I could to hold it together, but when I got off the phone with her that's when I broke down. I was out in the garage because Tessa had wanted my help to get a drum down off the shelf, and I just sat on the floor of the garage curled up and sobbing. David then texted back and said he was coming home. I was glad for that. I just sat there, I don't know how long, and cried. Tessa kept coming over to me and asking why I was so sad, and I decided to tell her the truth. After all, we'd been praying every day for God to bring her some baby brothers or baby sisters, (she has been saying all along that she wants a baby sister). So I very honestly took her in my lap and said, "I'm sad because we aren't going to have a new baby in our family." Her initial reaction broke my heart, she stood up, put her face in her hands and started crying. (Probably because that's what I was doing). Then she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "maybe tomorrow I have a baby sister." My sweet, innocent girl. I love her.
I pulled myself together enough to head back in the house to lay on the couch and cry. I got my phone out and texted my family and close friends that were waiting on pins and needles for results. I'm so thankful for the bounty of texts and e-mails that I got all morning telling me that they were praying for me today and couldn't wait to hear our good news. I'm so thankful for them. Every new replay that would come in giving me their sincerest condolences brought a new round of tears all over again. I don't understand it. About 45 minutes later, I did get a call from the doctor's office. The nurse said she had my results and that she was sorry, but it was negative. I told her I knew, I saw it online. She said doctor would like us to come in for a consultation to sit down and decide where to go from here. I told her I'd call back to set up the appointment, I just needed to get off the phone in that moment. I had held it together for about as long as I could handle.
I'm so very frustrated. I don't understand it. I know God has a plan, but I don't understand how or why it includes so much pain for us. You know, last week, in the week of the transfer I had 4 friends all deliver babies, and 3 of them came at least a week or two early. I remember sitting there thinking, well...either this is a good sign for us, or God is preparing me by having these babies born before we get our bad news back instead of after. I was hoping it was the former, but turns out it was the latter. I want to be angry, but I'm not, I'm just sad. One of the tv shows I follow is 19 Kids and Counting. Surprising, I know, that someone like me, with such infertility issues would enjoy watching a show about a family that can't stop having children, but I really do like it. All day long, I haven't been able to get out of my head what I saw in the last season's finale. Jim Bob and Michelle were going in for their ultrasound to find out the gender of their 20th child that she was pregnant with, and when they had the ultrasound, they found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. They had lost the baby. The first words out of Michelle's mouth were, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I realize that she had cameras on her, but I very strongly believe she would have done that regardless. That's where I'm at today. The Lord has given us so much in the gorgeous blonde haired-blue eyed girl that has showered me with hugs and kisses today. Yes, for whatever reason, He has chosen to take these last 10 babies from us. (Wow, that's a big number, first time I've said that) But He has a purpose in it all, there is something that He sees that I don't. And while I am immeasurably sad today, this too will pass.
I don't know what our next step is. I can't even go there right now. Right now I want to enjoy my beautiful girl and let her and David be my physical comforts over the next weeks. I feared these results coming back today, as Sunday is Mother's Day. While it's never a good time to find out you lost two babies, two days before Mother's Day seems cruel. Through it all, I'm so thankful that I am a mother, and I have my Tessa. There are so many women that go through the same things that I go through but never get the joy of a positive result, even if it's just once. I'm so thankful that isn't my story, and I pray continually for those who's story it is.
Please continue to pray for us. These next few days will be hard, especially Sunday. Pray that God would direct us toward the next step that He wants us to take. One of my friends left me a voicemail earlier today after I texted her our news and said she has been praying so much for us this week, and the word that God gave her about me was hope. She said she doesn't know what or where it's specifially leading, but that God wants me to have hope, that this isn't the end. I'm so thankful for friends and family who are willing to stand in the gap for us and intercede on our behalf. Hope is hard for me to feel today and I am overwhelmed with grief, but pray that it comes. Thank you to those who have been following our story and praying continually for us. We need those prayers now more than ever.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
And Now We Wait...
Let me begin this post by saying that words cannot express how grateful I am for the incredible support of my family and friends. The number of texts and emails and facebook messages reminding me that you are praying for us and hoping for the best has blown me away. As David and I sat down to eat lunch, I pulled out my phone and showed him all the facebook messages, not even including texts and emails, and said, "do you still think it was a bad idea for me to share this cycle with everyone?" At that point he smiled and said, "I guess not." We are so incredibly blessed. Thank you all.
Today went well. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking that I had not planned to leave early enough. What if traffic was terrible? We had planned to get one last chiropractic adjustment in before the transfer, and that appointment was at 10:15, which would mean that I wouldn't have left Naperville until at least 10:30 or after and I was supposed to be downtown at noon. In my panic, I texted my mom, which woke her up (sorry, Mom) and she said for me to just not worry about my appointment. If I was worried about getting there in time, skip the appointment, and leave early. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance from your mom, no matter how old you are. I felt much better then, still took me a while to fall back to sleep, but I eventually did.
My mom came up this morning to stay with Tessa for the day, she also brough a load of groceries for an easy fix dinner tonight (have I said lately how incredible my mom is?). We took off for Chicago about 9:45. There was very little traffic on 88 getting in, but the closer we got to the city, the more construction traffic we were running into. It was about ten after 11 by the time we got to the parking garage at the 900 N Michigan building. At this point, I had started drinking my water. My biggest stressor on transfer day is that you have to go in with a full bladder because they use an on-the-belly ultrasound wand to see the best place to place the embryos, and for that, you have to have a full bladder. This is always the worst part of the experience. Most of our transfers, I have drank far too much water and have been feeling on the edge of exploding as I wait for my doctor to come in, often past the time he's supposed to be there. Then there was the time that I didn't drink enough water and I was terrified I had ruined the whole thing because he wouldn't be able to see. But...he's a pro and he was able to do it anyway. As silly as it sounds, I did some trial runs this week drinking my water and seeing how long it took me to get really full, so I felt pretty confident about it today, but still, always the biggest issue on transfer day. Anyway, we didn't have to check in to the surgery center until noon, so David and I just took a little walk down Michigan Ave. It was a beautiful day out and we were enjoying soaking up the sun. We wandered into the American Girl Doll store and browsed around which totally brought me back to my childhood.
We got back to the surgery center a few minutes before noon, got all checked in and they took us back to our little recovery room. The nurse came in to do vitals, then we just waited until my doctor got there. Thankfully, we were the first transfer of the day so he was right on time. Yahoo!! He came in and gave us the good news that both of our remaining two embryos thawed and looked beautiful. (That was my other concern as I was up at 4:30 this morning, what if one or both of them doesn't survive the thaw?) But no, they were fine. They wheel you back on the gurney and the transfer takes place. The procedure itself isn't long, 10-15 minutes tops. The most magical moment being the one when he says, "and transferring the embryos now." I squeeze David's hand, close my eyes, and pray fervently for my little babes in that instant. Then I get my ultrasound picture. Granted, the embryos are too small to actually be seen, but what you do see is the little air bubbles of where they were transferred to. I hold that picture close to my heart as they finish things up and wheel me on back to my recovery room. And that's where we rest. They have you rest there for a half hour. I kinda chuckled with the guy came in to do my vitals after the procedure, he walked in, introduced himself, and then said, "wait, you look really familiar, we've met before haven't we?" To that I responded, "Yes, unfortunately, this isn't our first rodeo. This is our 5th transfer over the last year and a half." Even the folks up at the surgery center are starting to be familiar with me, I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to go there!!! I pulled out my Kindle, opened up my Netflix app and watched The Office. Nothing like Michael Scott to get your mind off things. After a half hour, we're free to go.
We were both starving by this point because I hadn't had much of an appetite this morning for breakfast, so it was 1:30 and I had eaten nothing but half of a small bowl of Special K and a piece of cinnamon bread from the Morris Bakery (Thank you, Alissa). We went down into the mall part of the Bloomingdale's building and had a quick sandwich at Potbelly. Then we walked across the street to Jamba Juice, I was really craving a Mango a-go-go. Our last stop before leaving was Sprinkles Cupcakes. I know it sounds like we did a lot of walking after the transfer, but all these places were no more than a block from the building we were in and where our car was parked. I picked up a lemon cupcake for myself, a vanilla with sprinkles for Tessa, and a vanilla with chocolate frosting for my dad and red velvet for my mom, a little thanks to them. The trip home took forever, construction took us forever to just get out of the city, then we ran into a lot of traffic on 88 coming home. I was pretty tired, and the sun felt so warm that I just napped on the ride home, which was nice.
Now we're home. I'm glad to see my Tessa girl again. I miss her so much when I'm gone from her. And now we just wait. The doctor says it's fine to go back to normal activity, but I always get this feeling in my gut that says rest. I took almost a week off of work after I had my transfer when I got pregnant with Tessa. So David is taking off tomorrow so that he can be home to occupy the crazy 2 year old that we've got, and I hoping to chill on the couch, put my feet up, watch some tv, and make some hats. Now we just wait and hope for the best. In past cycles, sometimes I have taken pregnancy tests at home every day, and sometimes I've taken none. I'm not really sure what I want to do this time. I know I don't want to do them every day, but I've toyed with the idea of taking one the day before I have to go back in for my blood test with the doctor's office, but I'm just not sure. I have this real phobia of home pregnancy tests after all that we have been there. I will think about it and pray about it. I am very much at peace. I hope desperately that these are good results that we will receive, but if not, that's the Lord's will too, and I will praise Him no matter what. Like I said before, I am so humbled and feel so loved by all the messages I have received of people thinking of us and praying for us. My dad texted me this morning and told me that he and a group of people from work were going to be fasting and praying for us from 12-12:30, then my sister Amy texted me while I wasin the recovery room telling me that she fasted breakfast this morning to pray for me (and for a situation of their own). One of our pastors called David this morning and while we missed his call, David played his voicemail on speaker for me to hear as he prayed for us over the voicemail. I had several friends write their prayers to me, and countless more telling me that they had been and will continue to pray for us. It just moves me to know how many people care. It touches me to know that so many people are hoping and praying with us and for us so that we can hopefully get our miracle this time. Thank you all again for your prayers today, and I would ask that you would continue to pray. These next few days are going to be the days that hopefully our little babies are going to be implanting. Pray for peace for me as my anxiety tends to flare up when it is most unwanted. Pray that I am able to get the rest I need to best take care of myself. Pray for Tessa, that she will be a good little angel for Mommy on the days that we're here by ourselves. Pray for David, he carries so much on his shoulders in taking care of me, her, his responsibilities at work and at church, and he has his final test in his class that he's taking this sememster on Tuesday and he really needs a good grade on it. Most of all, like always, pray for success. Pray that these babies find the coziest spot they can and implant themselves deep to stay and grow for the next nine months. Thank you again for all your prayers, words cannot express the gratitude that I feel.
Today went well. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking that I had not planned to leave early enough. What if traffic was terrible? We had planned to get one last chiropractic adjustment in before the transfer, and that appointment was at 10:15, which would mean that I wouldn't have left Naperville until at least 10:30 or after and I was supposed to be downtown at noon. In my panic, I texted my mom, which woke her up (sorry, Mom) and she said for me to just not worry about my appointment. If I was worried about getting there in time, skip the appointment, and leave early. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance from your mom, no matter how old you are. I felt much better then, still took me a while to fall back to sleep, but I eventually did.
My mom came up this morning to stay with Tessa for the day, she also brough a load of groceries for an easy fix dinner tonight (have I said lately how incredible my mom is?). We took off for Chicago about 9:45. There was very little traffic on 88 getting in, but the closer we got to the city, the more construction traffic we were running into. It was about ten after 11 by the time we got to the parking garage at the 900 N Michigan building. At this point, I had started drinking my water. My biggest stressor on transfer day is that you have to go in with a full bladder because they use an on-the-belly ultrasound wand to see the best place to place the embryos, and for that, you have to have a full bladder. This is always the worst part of the experience. Most of our transfers, I have drank far too much water and have been feeling on the edge of exploding as I wait for my doctor to come in, often past the time he's supposed to be there. Then there was the time that I didn't drink enough water and I was terrified I had ruined the whole thing because he wouldn't be able to see. But...he's a pro and he was able to do it anyway. As silly as it sounds, I did some trial runs this week drinking my water and seeing how long it took me to get really full, so I felt pretty confident about it today, but still, always the biggest issue on transfer day. Anyway, we didn't have to check in to the surgery center until noon, so David and I just took a little walk down Michigan Ave. It was a beautiful day out and we were enjoying soaking up the sun. We wandered into the American Girl Doll store and browsed around which totally brought me back to my childhood.
We got back to the surgery center a few minutes before noon, got all checked in and they took us back to our little recovery room. The nurse came in to do vitals, then we just waited until my doctor got there. Thankfully, we were the first transfer of the day so he was right on time. Yahoo!! He came in and gave us the good news that both of our remaining two embryos thawed and looked beautiful. (That was my other concern as I was up at 4:30 this morning, what if one or both of them doesn't survive the thaw?) But no, they were fine. They wheel you back on the gurney and the transfer takes place. The procedure itself isn't long, 10-15 minutes tops. The most magical moment being the one when he says, "and transferring the embryos now." I squeeze David's hand, close my eyes, and pray fervently for my little babes in that instant. Then I get my ultrasound picture. Granted, the embryos are too small to actually be seen, but what you do see is the little air bubbles of where they were transferred to. I hold that picture close to my heart as they finish things up and wheel me on back to my recovery room. And that's where we rest. They have you rest there for a half hour. I kinda chuckled with the guy came in to do my vitals after the procedure, he walked in, introduced himself, and then said, "wait, you look really familiar, we've met before haven't we?" To that I responded, "Yes, unfortunately, this isn't our first rodeo. This is our 5th transfer over the last year and a half." Even the folks up at the surgery center are starting to be familiar with me, I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to go there!!! I pulled out my Kindle, opened up my Netflix app and watched The Office. Nothing like Michael Scott to get your mind off things. After a half hour, we're free to go.
We were both starving by this point because I hadn't had much of an appetite this morning for breakfast, so it was 1:30 and I had eaten nothing but half of a small bowl of Special K and a piece of cinnamon bread from the Morris Bakery (Thank you, Alissa). We went down into the mall part of the Bloomingdale's building and had a quick sandwich at Potbelly. Then we walked across the street to Jamba Juice, I was really craving a Mango a-go-go. Our last stop before leaving was Sprinkles Cupcakes. I know it sounds like we did a lot of walking after the transfer, but all these places were no more than a block from the building we were in and where our car was parked. I picked up a lemon cupcake for myself, a vanilla with sprinkles for Tessa, and a vanilla with chocolate frosting for my dad and red velvet for my mom, a little thanks to them. The trip home took forever, construction took us forever to just get out of the city, then we ran into a lot of traffic on 88 coming home. I was pretty tired, and the sun felt so warm that I just napped on the ride home, which was nice.
Now we're home. I'm glad to see my Tessa girl again. I miss her so much when I'm gone from her. And now we just wait. The doctor says it's fine to go back to normal activity, but I always get this feeling in my gut that says rest. I took almost a week off of work after I had my transfer when I got pregnant with Tessa. So David is taking off tomorrow so that he can be home to occupy the crazy 2 year old that we've got, and I hoping to chill on the couch, put my feet up, watch some tv, and make some hats. Now we just wait and hope for the best. In past cycles, sometimes I have taken pregnancy tests at home every day, and sometimes I've taken none. I'm not really sure what I want to do this time. I know I don't want to do them every day, but I've toyed with the idea of taking one the day before I have to go back in for my blood test with the doctor's office, but I'm just not sure. I have this real phobia of home pregnancy tests after all that we have been there. I will think about it and pray about it. I am very much at peace. I hope desperately that these are good results that we will receive, but if not, that's the Lord's will too, and I will praise Him no matter what. Like I said before, I am so humbled and feel so loved by all the messages I have received of people thinking of us and praying for us. My dad texted me this morning and told me that he and a group of people from work were going to be fasting and praying for us from 12-12:30, then my sister Amy texted me while I wasin the recovery room telling me that she fasted breakfast this morning to pray for me (and for a situation of their own). One of our pastors called David this morning and while we missed his call, David played his voicemail on speaker for me to hear as he prayed for us over the voicemail. I had several friends write their prayers to me, and countless more telling me that they had been and will continue to pray for us. It just moves me to know how many people care. It touches me to know that so many people are hoping and praying with us and for us so that we can hopefully get our miracle this time. Thank you all again for your prayers today, and I would ask that you would continue to pray. These next few days are going to be the days that hopefully our little babies are going to be implanting. Pray for peace for me as my anxiety tends to flare up when it is most unwanted. Pray that I am able to get the rest I need to best take care of myself. Pray for Tessa, that she will be a good little angel for Mommy on the days that we're here by ourselves. Pray for David, he carries so much on his shoulders in taking care of me, her, his responsibilities at work and at church, and he has his final test in his class that he's taking this sememster on Tuesday and he really needs a good grade on it. Most of all, like always, pray for success. Pray that these babies find the coziest spot they can and implant themselves deep to stay and grow for the next nine months. Thank you again for all your prayers, words cannot express the gratitude that I feel.
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