The Results Are In...

Today was the day. When you do a regular IVF cycle, my doctor does his transfers in the morning, so you go back seven days later for a pregnancy test, but with the FETs, he does those transfers in the afternoon, and because they want you to have a full week before testing, you come back on the following Friday for bloodwork. The last couple of days have been jittery, as I describe it. I've been really trying hard to keep busy and keep my mind off of things. Yesterday, I think I about 5 loads of laundry, baked a cake, cleaned the house, then as soon as David got home from work we got ready and took off for downtown Naperville to hang out for the evening. I just needed to keep busy. Didn't sleep great last night, so much on my mind with the blood test today. It took me until well after midnight to fall asleep, then after waking up several times throughout the night, Tessa got up at six, and we were up for the day. We lounged a bit this morning before getting ready to head into the office. My appointment was 9. We were in and out. All they had to do with draw a little blood. After that, I met my sister and nephews at Jo-Ann to pick up a few things, then headed over to Hobby Lobby to pick up some ribbon for a birthday banner I'm working on for Tessa's birthday.

We headed home after that, because I knew it wouldn't be too long before the nurse was calling, and I really wanted to be home for that. Callbacks are supposed to be between 2 and 4:30, but very often, if they get the results from the lab back early, they call early. Tessa wanted to play outside, I wasn't feeling up to it, so I parked my car in the driveway and closed the garage door and just let her play and ride her bike in the garage. Around 11, I started logging into my patient portal every few minutes. A few times, the results have shown up there before the nurse has gotten a chance to call. Checked again at 11:15, nothing. Checked at 11:30, still nothing. Checked at 11:45 and saw that I had new lab results to view. That's when your heart really starts pounding. Granted, I had been nervous all morning, although, I will say, not near as nervous this time as I have been in the past. I really felt the Lord's peace over me throughout the day. I opened the link that said BHCG for today's date...and that's when my heart dropped. The results showed <1.00. I've seen that number before, too many times. It didn't work. I couldn't believe, still can't. Didn't hit me right away though. I texted David first off, and while I was waiting for him to respond, I called my mom. I tried the best I could to hold it together, but when I got off the phone with her that's when I broke down. I was out in the garage because Tessa had wanted my help to get a drum down off the shelf, and I just sat on the floor of the garage curled up and sobbing. David then texted back and said he was coming home. I was glad for that. I just sat there, I don't know how long, and cried. Tessa kept coming over to me and asking why I was so sad, and I decided to tell her the truth. After all, we'd been praying every day for God to bring her some baby brothers or baby sisters, (she has been saying all along that she wants a baby sister). So I very honestly took her in my lap and said, "I'm sad because we aren't going to have a new baby in our family." Her initial reaction broke my heart, she stood up, put her face in her hands and started crying. (Probably because that's what I was doing). Then she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "maybe tomorrow I have a baby sister." My sweet, innocent girl. I love her.

I pulled myself together enough to head back in the house to lay on the couch and cry. I got my phone out and texted my family and close friends that were waiting on pins and needles for results. I'm so thankful for the bounty of texts and e-mails that I got all morning telling me that they were praying for me today and couldn't wait to hear our good news. I'm so thankful for them. Every new replay that would come in giving me their sincerest condolences brought a new round of tears all over again. I don't understand it. About 45 minutes later, I did get a call from the doctor's office. The nurse said she had my results and that she was sorry, but it was negative. I told her I knew, I saw it online. She said doctor would like us to come in for a consultation to sit down and decide where to go from here. I told her I'd call back to set up the appointment, I just needed to get off the phone in that moment. I had held it together for about as long as I could handle.

I'm so very frustrated. I don't understand it. I know God has a plan, but I don't understand how or why it includes so much pain for us. You know, last week, in the week of the transfer I had 4 friends all deliver babies, and 3 of them came at least a week or two early. I remember sitting there thinking, well...either this is a good sign for us, or God is preparing me by having these babies born before we get our bad news back instead of after. I was hoping it was the former, but turns out it was the latter. I want to be angry, but I'm not, I'm just sad. One of the tv shows I follow is 19 Kids and Counting. Surprising, I know, that someone like me, with such infertility issues would enjoy watching a show about a family that can't stop having children, but I really do like it. All day long, I haven't been able to get out of my head what I saw in the last season's finale. Jim Bob and Michelle were going in for their ultrasound to find out the gender of their 20th child that she was pregnant with, and when they had the ultrasound, they found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. They had lost the baby. The first words out of Michelle's mouth were, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I realize that she had cameras on her, but I very strongly believe she would have done that regardless. That's where I'm at today. The Lord has given us so much in the gorgeous blonde haired-blue eyed girl that has showered me with hugs and kisses today. Yes, for whatever reason, He has chosen to take these last 10 babies from us. (Wow, that's a big number, first time I've said that) But He has a purpose in it all, there is something that He sees that I don't. And while I am immeasurably sad today, this too will pass.

I don't know what our next step is. I can't even go there right now. Right now I want to enjoy my beautiful girl and let her and David be my physical comforts over the next weeks. I feared these results coming back today, as Sunday is Mother's Day. While it's never a good time to find out you lost two babies, two days before Mother's Day seems cruel. Through it all, I'm so thankful that I am a mother, and I have my Tessa. There are so many women that go through the same things that I go through but never get the joy of a positive result, even if it's just once. I'm so thankful that isn't my story, and I pray continually for those who's story it is.

Please continue to pray for us. These next few days will be hard, especially Sunday. Pray that God would direct us toward the next step that He wants us to take. One of my friends left me a voicemail earlier today after I texted her our news and said she has been praying so much for us this week, and the word that God gave her about me was hope. She said she doesn't know what or where it's specifially leading, but that God wants me to have hope, that this isn't the end. I'm so thankful for friends and family who are willing to stand in the gap for us and intercede on our behalf. Hope is hard for me to feel today and I am overwhelmed with grief, but pray that it comes. Thank you to those who have been following our story and praying continually for us. We need those prayers now more than ever.