A Much Needed Vacation

Sunday night we returned home from a much needed vacation. We spent a week in Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, TN just enjoying some time together as a family. I'm sure I said it before, but the day after our last test results came in, I said to my mom, "what we really need is a vacation," knowing that there was no way we could ever afford to take one. The next day, David called me from church and told me that a guy that he serves with had offered to pay for our accomodations for us to take a vacation. It was truly a miracle. We still had the issue of coming up with the money for gas to get there and money for things to do. We were trying to cut back as much as we could, but we had Tessa's birthday only 2 weeks prior to the time we left which brough plenty of expenses. We were surprised when we received our second tax refund check in the mail several weeks sooner than what we thought we would get, then were so incredibly blessed when we were given monetary gifts from a couple different members of our family so that we could really enjoy ourselves on vacation and not worry so much about the money. We were so incredibly blessed. Our trip was a great one! We spent four night in a hotel in Pigeon Forge and did tons of sight seeing in the mountains and in town. Then we ended up meeting one of my best friends (who I haven't seen in years) and her husband and two girls and stayed in a cabin in the mountains for two nights. Overall, it was an incredibly rejuvenating trip and we made memories that we will treasure forever, as it was our first vacation that we took as a family by ourselves. Here are just a few pictures from our week:

A view from the top of the Gatlinburg Sky Lift

Tessa throwing rocks in the creek at Cades Cove

Playing by the rocks on the creek

Having lunch at the Old Mill Restaurant and loving her new pink cowgirl hat!

Checking out the fence by one of the original homes built in the Smokies

On the trail coming back down from Clingman's Dome, the highest point in the Smokies

Riding the carousel at Ober Gatlinburg

Our sweet family at the Apple Barn

Daddy and Tessa at Flapjacks Pancakes House

On the top of Clingman's Dome

I was very much hoping that with time, most of the pain of what we've been through over the last months would just fade. I'm not a real expert on the best way to deal with my emotions and my natural instinct these last few weeks has been to just not deal with them. I'm aware that's not the healthiest choice, but it's what works for me for right now. We're home now, and as much as I was hoping that the pain would be just gone, I find that it's not. Our vacation was a wonderful retreat, but I come home to the same issues I had when I left. There was one thing that I saw on vacation that really screamed out to me. I know it was there, meant for me to see. On Wednesday, we toured Cades Cove, which is a driving tour through an area in the mountains with several stops to get out and see old cabins, churches, mills, etc. It's a really neat place to see. Our third stop on the tour was an old Methodist church built around 1900, the original building was from the early 1800s, but they rebuilt a new one around the turn of the century. We almost didn't go into this church because the previous stop had been an old Baptist church, and the two looked pretty similar, and honestly, this one wasn't as old as the Baptist one, so we almost skipped it. I'm very thankful we didn't. Inside the church, David and Tessa went straight to the piano and started playing while I just walked around and was taking some pictures. At the front of the church, on the alter I noticed there were stacks of papers. At first I thought maybe sermon notes? Is this church still in use? (Which I think they do still use it from time to time). The closer I got to it, I realized it was a lot of loose papers, scraps here and there. I started looking over them and realized that they were prayer requests, hundreds of them, stacked here on the alter of a church that's over a hundred years old. It reminded me of something you'd see on the Travel Channel, some old spot with a tradition of making a wish or saying a prayer or something like that. I looked at the top of the pile and read the prayer request written on top, it moved me to tears. I took a picture of it so that I would always remember.

At that point I realized, I'm not the only one who carried my emotional baggage with me on vacation. I don't know who that person is, or really even how to pronounce her name as I can't tell what the last name says, but I will be praying for her. If you look off to the left in the picture, it's kinda cut off, but someone else wrote an encouraging message that says, "To anyone peering over these notes: stay strong". I sooooo don't understand why we have been chosen to walk through this particular valley that we are walking in, but I do know that God still speaks to us and He is walking beside us.

I have some big mountains to climb over the next few days, few weeks, few months. I have some very close friends who have recently had babies and some that are soon to be having babies, including my own sister, and I'm honestly kinda scared. I've not allowed myself to be around babies, because I knew it beyond what I could handle. I haven't held a baby since all this begin a year and a half ago. Very soon I'll be spending some time with my friends and their babies and I'm not sure how I'm going to react. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle myself. I am so happy for my friends and family and anyone who doesn't have to walk through what we've been through, but I'm not sure how it's all going to go. Thankfully, my friends love me and are very understanding when I begged for no judgement to be passed if I am unable to hold their precious bundle. I am blessed to have the people that I have around me.

I'm now left in this place where I'm seeking something to distract me. First it was Tessa's birthday, then vacation, and now...I don't have anything major coming up that keeps my mind occupied. It leaves me to deal with my thoughts and emotions as they come to me. I have sat for the last two nights and worked at my sister's house on our embroidery machines making Big SIS shirt after Big SIS shirt and with every one, I want to cry because it hurts me to think that my daughter may never get to wear one. Then I am reminded of the one that I did have for her, which has now been hidden away out of my sight. I think about every night when we sit down to pray and Tessa is the one that reminds me to pray for a baby brother or baby sister. Usually it's a baby sister, although while we were on vacation I think she was missing her cousins because she prayed for a baby brother just like Jack and Cole. David and I both agreed that as much fun as we had on vacation at the end with my friend and her family, it was so hard because Tessa had such a great time playing with the girls, the girl her age and the little girl who just recently turned 1, it's just another reminder of what a great sister I think she would be. It's not her fault that she may not get that chance. Some days I have a lot of hope that soon Tessa will get to be the big sister, and other days, that hope is much harder to muster up. It's those days that I have to feed off of the hope that comes from Tessa. She prays for it every day.

I had the best dream a couple nights ago. I don't remember it all, just that our whole family was gathered up together and had this big surprise for us. They gave us this huge package which inside had all of these plaques and on each one it showed a sum of money being donated to us and what corporation or person donated it. I don't remember the exact amounts, but it was a lot, and in my dream I was so happy because I felt like all the doors were open for us. We had the money to pursue more treatment if that's what we wanted, we had the money to pursue any kind of adoption if that's what we wanted. I just remember being so excited because I had so many options in front of me with no limits. Then I woke up. It was one of those feelings where it still felt so real when I woke up, it took me several minutes to realize it was only a dream.

I am reminded again of the words to a song that I posted on my blog way back in February. It still applies to me today:

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow


This is my desert. This is my fire. This is my battle. And yet at the same time, I live the harvest every day that I get to spend with Tessa. Throughout all of this, I am reminded more and more of what an absolute miracle it is to conceive of or adopt and raise a child. It's nothing to take for granted, and nothing to take lightly. Through the challenge that we have faced and continue to face every day, it makes me more and more amazed that I was ever able to have a child. It seems like an impossible feat.

Please continue to pray for us as we have a lot of decisions to make. We're still a little unsure of what path is going to be the right one for us and we're really praying for a clear direction and peace of mind from God about what is going to be right for us. Pray for us as we are still continuing to heal. These many, many losses have taken so much more of a toll on me and on us as a family than I ever imagined they would. Pray for our miracle, which we would willingly accept at any time!