A Light at the End of the Tunnel

We will go in next week for our transfer. I'm glad to finally have it officially scheduled. I was quite certain that it would be that date when they didn't have me go this week, but it's for sure now. My appointment this morning went well, they said my lining is at a 9.9, which is only just needs to be at least a 7, so that's great. The last two times I've had it checked I was at 6 something then 7 something, so now that it's almost a 10 is really good. The nurse called this afternoon and said my e2 levels looked perfect and they scheduled me for next Thursday.

I am so ready for this part of the cycle to be over with. I've been taking a shot every day since March 30 and my stomach wants a break. I'm not sure why this cycle has been so rough with the shots, but I have been left with a multitude of colorful bruises and numerous nights after my shots I have been bleeding quite a bit at the injection site. Only 5 more shots. I can do it 5 more times. On Sunday, my meds change up, the shots stop, and I start progesterone and the estrogen decreases a little. I will be more than happy to put away those needles, hopefully for good.

It's been a little bit of a rough week off and on. I really haven't been feeling well from the medications, and these nights where I bleed a lot from the injection just seems to send me into a bit of a tailspin. I usually end up cuddled with David, crying to him about how much I need for this to be over. It's also been hard because right now I'm so surrounded by pregnant women, people I know, friends that I know through facebook, etc...and it's just been baby central. One baby born this week and 2 more having babies in the next couple days, and I have 2 more having babies in the next 2 weeks. I want to be in that club so bad, it's just hard when you feel a bit like an outsider. I want to be expecting my baby and be able to feel all those things again. I saw another facebook post today about someone who was feeling her baby move and how incredible it is, and I miss that. I am so thankful that I was able to experience it, and I have Tessa, but I miss that and I want it again so badly. I am so ready. So ready.

I was so encouraged on Sunday by our Community Group meeting. I love our time at Community Groups, we have an awesome group of people. We've been a part of this group since the beginning of 2011 and they are my second family. They have been there for us all throughout these insane last 17 months. We had a birthday party to go to earlier in the afternoon on Sunday, then we had to run home, grab our food and run to Community Groups. David was tired and I didn't feel well at all, and he kept telling me that we should just stay home. I refused, I wanted to get to our group and I wanted them to be able to pray for us. Because of the Easter holiday and spring break schedules, it had been the middle of March since we had met and those in our group who I don't often see (except at Community Group) didn't know we were cycling again, and I knew this would be the last one before our transfer. We ate, we visited, and we split up girls in one room and guys in another to just have some sharing and fellowship and prayer time. The question was asked about what trials God is leading you through right now. A couple other people shared, then I took the chance to let them know where we were at. Of course, I was doing really good to try and hold it together while I shared, avoiding the eyes of one other person at the end of our table because I knew she'd be crying and that would make me cry, and it wasn't until one of the women in our group told me that they were all here for us to hold us up during a time when we can't hold ourselves up, that the waterworks started, and really didn't stop most of the night. She kept emphasizing that this is what the body of Christ is for, to be the extension of Christ to those that need it. We spent a little time in prayer, then before we left, our whole group gathered taround David, Tessa and I, and just layed hands on us and prayed for us. I so needed that uplifting time and those moments with our close friends. They are praying for our miracle right alongside us, as I know many others are too, and it means the world to me. I have so little to offer right now, I'm so physically and emotionally worn down by all of the stuff that we have been through and are going through that it takes all of my strength to keep going some days. I'm just so thankful for my family and friends who are such in incredible support and a perfect example of th extension of the body of Christ.

So here I sit with 9 days to go until my doctor will be putting my two little babies where they belong and hopefully, they nestle in tight for a long ride. I'm feeling nervous already, just thinking about it gets my heart going. When the nurse called to let me know when the transfer was going to be today she also wanted me to make my appointment for my pregnancy test. My response to that was "urgh". I dread going in for the pregnancy test. I get so nervous on that day that I can hardly breathe. It's like I can't make up my mind. I want this whole thing to be over, if it's going to be good news in the end, but if it's not, if it's bad news again, I'm not ready for it to be over. I want more time to hope and to think happy thoughts. I'm scared for it to be over and for it to be negative and then what?  Of course, if it's good news, I'm ready for it to be over now, this minute, this second. Unfortunately, I can't see the future and I don't know what the outcome is. So that leaves me feeling torn, excited and scared for this to be over. Ignorance is bliss, right? If it's bad news, I'm content to be ignorant to it a little while longer.

I'll end with my usual plea for prayer. Pray that I make it through the end of this week, only 5 more nights of shots. Pray that my fear and anxiety will stay far away. Pray for my friend, who gets her results back this week, I want positive results for her so badly. Pray that the transfer would go smoothly. Pray for my babies that are waiting for me. Pray for success.

As I'm typing the last few words, I can hear the alarm going off on my phone downstairs. Every night at 8:00 my alarm sounds, reminding me it's time to do my shot and take my medcine. Ten minutes from now, I'll be down to only 4 shots left. Pray.