A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 8

There are so many things that I am so very thankful for, and I want to mention those things as well.

I am thankful for my husband. I often forget that he walks through these struggles at the same time I do, and while he expresses his feelings very differently than I do, I know he hurts too. He is such a support to me and is usually the first one willing to get back on the horse after we have been through a failed cycle. He encourages me and jokes with me and keeps my spirits high. When I’m all crazy from the hormone injections, he takes most of my griping and mood swings in stride. While we have definitely had our moments of stress, he’s always there to hold my hand, even if I forget to hold his. He is a great father and husband and we’re in it for the long haul together, no matter what obstacles we have to cross on our way.

I’m thankful for my daughter. Looking at her keeps me going every day. It’s because I feel so incredibly blessed to have her that it makes me want to have another one. She has wiped away more tears than anyone has. I can remember sitting on the kitchen floor crying after a phone call from the doctor’s office, and she came and sat in my lap and said, “Mommy, you sad?”And after wiping away my tears, she said, “all better.” Yes, she makes it all better. The best cure for my repeated broken heart is to hold my girl tight and snuggle with her. I am forever grateful that I have her. I know there are many people who suffer through infertility and never get to have a biological child of their own, and I don’t pretend to know how that would feel. No matter what happens, I have Tessa and she makes every day worth it. I love her with a love that I never thought I could experience. She has her mommy’s sass and her daddy’s love of music, her mommy’s ability to jabber nonstop and her daddy’s wild and craziness. She is the best parts of both of us. She is spunky, loving, sensitive, energetic and sweet. She is perfect.

I’m thankful for my parents. Not only have they been a huge financial support to us this year, but more so an emotional one. It’s hard to watch your child suffer over and over again and I’m thankful for all they have to help me and our family. I have appreciated the shopping trips, dinners out and dinners brought over, phone calls when I’m in tears over another announced pregnancy, and never-ending prayers for us to get all that our hearts have dreamed of. I know they will continue to be there for us to support us in all that we do and to help us achieve our dreams in any way they can.

I’m thankful for the rest of my family: my sisters and their families, David’s parents and my brother in laws and sister in laws on his side. Most of all I have appreciated their prayers and emotional support as I know they want this for us as much as we do. They have been my babysitters when I had appointments and food support when I needed a pick-me-up. Family is family and I know that they hurt along with you.

I’m thankful for my small group and church family. We have shared it all with our small group and they continue to pray for us week in and week out. They are there to bring us dinner when I’m resting after a transfer and cry with us when it failed again. There have been many people in our church family who we have shared our story with and who have prayed for us and are there to offer hugs and be there to do whatever we need. They are the extension of God’s hands to us in a physical way, as the church should be.

I’m thankful for my friends of all kinds. I have friends that are close to me and I’ve known for a long time, but who have a hard time understanding what we’re going through. It doesn’t matter, they are always supportive, willing to help when needed. They have offered to take Tessa off my hands so I can rest, bring food, take me out when I need a break or just sit with me when I need a friend. I have a friend who doesn’t live close, but has been through this stuff and is there to offer support. She sends me e-mails and cards with encouraging scripture verses that seems to speak to me in the moment I need it most. I never knew how much I would appreciate the support of having someone who’s been through this and made it to the other side. She and I have a very special bond. I have another friend who we went through this all together at the same time when I had Tessa, and she did it again but had success before our crazy year started. She and I spent so much time on the phone being there to vent with each other. Our stories may be a little different, but we get it, and I’m thankful to have her to talk to when I needed it. I also have a very special friend who I have gotten close with throughout the last year. She is my IVF friend and she and I are both still walking through it. Our texts and emails mean so much to me. It has often ended up that we cycle about the same time, and it’s so helpful to have someone walking with you side by side. We share so many of the same frustrations and struggles, and it’s so encouraging to know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels this way. I am so thankful for her every day.

I’m thankful for what I’ve learned about myself through this. I’ll admit, my life had been pretty cushy. I had never faced major trials, maybe they seemed it at the time, but in light of what I’ve been through in the last 3 years, it was miniscule. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I never imagined I could go through something like this. I used to look on people like me and pity them, always knowing that I couldn’t do it. But I can do it, and I do with God’s help. I’ve learned that my family is what’s most important to me. I’ve developed a pretty tough skin to people and their unwanted and unnecessary comments. Everyone’s going to have their own opinion and they are welcome to it, but I know what’s right for me and for my family. There are many ways in which I feel like I don’t like the person infertility turned me into, the anger, jealousy and bitterness, but that part comes in waves, usually riding the wave of an unsuccessful cycle. In the wake, I’m left with me, I believe in every person’s right and ability to pursue what they dream. I’ve learned not to ask people when they are going to have a baby, because you never know their story and how much pain that simple question might bring. I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I’ve learned that dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone dreams when they’re young of their perfect future and makes all their wonderful plans. Things don’t always work out how you imagine them, and that’s okay because despite our grandest ideas, God’s plan for us puts ours to shame. He knows what’s best for us.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know for sure that we have another FET that will be coming up in the next month or two. Pray for us. Pray for success. Pray for physical and emotional strength for David and I and Tessa and as we walk through this last step of this part of the journey. We want more than anything, for this last FET to be our success story, but if God chooses for this last transfer to not work, pray that we would have guidance as to what step to take next, more fertility treatments or move toward pursuing adoption. We believe with our whole hearts that God has another child waiting for us, we’re just still in the fog right now as to how that’s going to play out. We don’t have to worry about the future because we are loved by the One who holds the future. Our story isn’t finished yet, and for that, I’m thankful. I’m excited about the future, and nervous at the same time. God only gives you what He knows you can handle, and while there are times that I have wondered if He has overestimated my strength, I’m glad to know that He knew. He has pushed this control freak to her limit so that I have had no choice left but to rely on Him completely. When I feel like I’m falling and unable to continue, I know that He is holding me and He loves me.

Infertility is something that stays with you. I had hoped that after I had Tessa so many of the hurts and pains would go away, but it didn’t. The wounds do heal, but the scars remain. There are women who have been through it, women going through it, and women who are still waiting, and I know to those women it can seem daunting. I have my support from women who have been through it, and I have my support of someone going through it, and I hope that I can be support to someone who is still waiting or getting ready to start the process. You can do it on your own, but why would you want to. God gives us the trials, but He also gives us the ability to face those trials. Over the years, I have prayed and prayed and asked God to show me why it had to be me. I don’t understand it all, and I may never, but the one thing I feel He has spoken to me is that I face this trial so that I can learn from it and turn around and help someone else to needs it. I will take all the prayers we can get and it is my hope and prayer that I am able to help someone who needs someone to lean on. I’m excited to be able to continue sharing our story as it unfolds, because I’m thankful that our story doesn’t have an ending yet. God is good, all the time!