I was left in a place that was so empty, I had nowhere else to turn except to the Lord. I’ll admit, it wasn’t always as easy as it sounds. As much as I knew I needed to just keep praising the Lord through it all, I was angry. That week, during our chapel service at school, one of the pastors played a worship song that I had sung so many times before, but it had such a new meaning to me that day.
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your name
I knew that His name had to be blessed. Without Him, what chance would I stand? Even now when I hear that bridge, “You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name,” it brings me to tears. We want to praise for when He gives, but are angry when He takes away. We forget that it’s all in His hands, the good and the bad. I have to consciously choose to bless His name through the trials. It’s not what comes naturally, but my praise comes from the heart. I was so frustrated, so hurt, and so angry. I just couldn’t understand why the Lord would allow me to walk through this. I can remember thinking something similar when we had to go through the IVM the first time, and when you’re walking through it, it’s near impossible to see the big picture, in the end, I knew it was the best path for us because it brought us Tessa, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But here I was again, in the midst of the fog, where I couldn’t figure out my next step, let alone the journey I was supposed to be on. What do I next? Where do I go? Why am I going through this? I had so many questions for God. All I could do was say the words with my mouth and hope that if I said them enough times, that my heart would follow, and it did, eventually. It wasn’t easy though. So many people would come up to me and tell me, “it’s okay, the Lord has a plan, it’s all in His control.” I know that. I know that. I know that. That’s what I had to tell myself over and over again. When my brain spoke it enough times, my heart started to believe it.
We want so badly for our lives to be laid out like a game of Candy Land, so we can see what’s coming up next on the path, but it doesn’t work like that. His plan is the best one, even when we don’t see it or understand it, and it took me a long time to get to that place. All throughout this process I have been so inspired and lifted up by music. There was a cd that David introduced me to at the beginning of this first FET, and I found a song on it that I listened to nonstop from the beginning of March until about the middle of May. And I mean, when I was in the car, this song was on repeat. David was going crazy listening to it, but it so spoke to me and encouraged me and it was the breath of life from the Lord that I needed. Even after we lost the baby, I kept listening to it. It is called Desert Song by Hillsong United, and it goes like this:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow
This song had spoken to me throughout all stages of what I had walked through up to this point. Each verse felt like I different time of my life. My desert time felt like the time before we started all this up again. I wanted another child so badly, but then starting to feel that hurt and disappointment at knowing it’s not something that could happen on our own. My time in the fire was definitely after my failed cycles. That was my time of weakness, trial and pain. But yes, I have a faith that is more worth than gold, and this was my time for the Lord to refine me into what He wanted me to be. Change is often painful when the Lord is molding us into what He wants us to be. My battle time prayer was how I felt going through each cycle. This was when I was starting to feel hopeful and feeling like my triumph was still coming. I have had several people tell me through the Lord speaking through them that we are going to be able to have another child, I’m not sure in what fashion, but somehow, and that is the promise that I have been standing on. Of course I felt like my harvest prayer was after we got our positive test. The promise had been fulfilled and I could feel His favor pouring out on us. For whatever reason, He chose to take that baby home to be with Him, so it brings me back to a desert place. The bridge is maybe my favorite part of that whole song. All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship. No matter what happens with me and my family and the things that go on in our lives, He is still God, and I have every reason to worship. While this is the trial we are walking through, there are a million other things that He has spared us from, and because of that and because of His love and redemption for us, I have every reason to worship. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but I do it, because He wants to be praised, in everything.
The healing process from that miscarriage took me a while. I found myself in a real depressed place. With time, and much prayer, God helped me out of it. We decided to take some time off before we tried again. I felt like I really needed a break from the shots and pills and blood draws and ultrasounds. I needed to get my life back for a while. We celebrated Tessa’s 2nd birthday with a Minnie Mouse party at the end of May. I really do up her birthdays. I love celebrating the day my life was blessed with the best miracle we have ever experienced. Then in June we took one of our best vacations ever! We went with my parents and my sister and her husband and boys to Walt Disney World for a week. What a fun trip! It was great to just get away from the stress that I faced at home with all that we had been through and spend some time with our family relaxing and having fun. It was a great way to clear my head. We knew that we would want to start things up again sometime shortly after vacation, but I really wanted to give myself time to heal. We had been through so much. While we were on vacation, I started feeling like I was in a repeat of where we had been 3 years ago. We took a family vacation to Destin, FL the month before we cycled and it was a great way to relax and prepare for what my body would be undergoing. So like the last vacation, I bought some little clothes for my baby-to-be at Disney World. I couldn’t find anything gender neutral, so I bought a little pink Minnie onesie and a red Mickey onesie. I was so hopeful every time I looked at them.
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