We decided to start up our next cycle on July 31st, about six weeks after we returned home from Florida. I had a really hard time when this next cycle started. The medicines had a much stronger effect on me than I remembered them having that last cycle, of course, I was on a little different medications because of the timing of the last cycle. I really alienated myself for a while. I had some of my closest friends invite me to come to play dates with them and their little ones, and I couldn’t go. I tried to explain, but it was hard. It’s hard for someone to understand what you’re going through when it’s something to major and so personal at the same time, when they have no experience with it. I kinda holed up in my house for a few weeks. I had my IVF friend who was going through another cycle at the same time, and she and I kept in regular contact. She understood me well because she was taking the same medicines, just days apart from me. We figured we would end up with transfers about a week apart. I did find that I separated myself from others. I didn’t go back to school in the fall, I was so thrilled to get to stay home full time with my Tessa. This meant I was doing a cycle without having to race in for appointments before school and having those kind of restrictions. I figured this one would be low stress and should give us good results. I also decided that I was going to take the pregnancy tests at home again like I did before. Worked well for me last time, so why not?
We had our transfer on September 1st. I can remember laying on the table and having tears come to my eyes the moment my doctor said they had been placed because in that instant I was praying with everything I had within me, just like I had the last two times. When I knew the very second that my babies were inside of me, I had no thoughts in my mind except to pray for them. I prayed that they would find the right place to get comfy and cozy and grow for the next 9 months. After the transfers, they always have you lay and rest in the recovery room for about a half hour. Someone had told me before that it was good to laugh after a transfer, that it’s supposed to help. Who knows? But it’s worth a shot, right? So we pulled out my iphone and opened up Netflix and started watching an episode of The Office. Nothing like Steve Carell to lighten the mood. Then, the whole way home, I clutched my ultrasound picture of my little bubbles like it was gold. It was gold, to me. David took a couple days off work to help me out at home with Tessa, so I could take it easy and rest.
I took a test Friday morning, negative. Saturday morning, negative, as I knew it should be. That night we had the wedding of a friend to attend, and that was a nice distraction. Sunday morning, I was hoping for a positive, but still negative. Monday morning, I was really praying for it to change, but no. By Tuesday, I felt like it had to be, this was the day that it had turned positive the last cycle, but when it showed up “not pregnant” my heart dropped. I was started to get more and more discouraged by the day. I had one pregnancy test left, and I decided to use it up on Wednesday. I had been reading on all these message boards that so many people didn’t see positives until after their office blood tests, so I’m feeling like there is still hope. The “not pregnant” I saw on Wednesday morning kinda felt like the final nail in the coffin. I didn’t have any more tests, and I really didn’t want to buy any more. I didn’t want to see that message again. Friday morning was my blood test at the doctor’s office, and while a sliver of me was hopeful, the realist in me was not. After they drew the blood, I talked to the nurse. I explained I’d been taking tests all week, the last one was Wednesday and it was still negative and asked if I was likely to see a negative result today? Somberly, she nodded. She said that once in a while a positive will sneak through but the home tests are pretty accurate. The call came later that afternoon and she told me that the blood test confirmed what the home tests had told me, and that it was negative but the good news was that we still had 4 embryos frozen. Yes, I guess that was good news. It certainly wasn’t the good news I was hoping to hear.
Once again, the cycle repeats and I’m back in that dark, depressed place. It’s certainly not where I wanted to be, I would have loved to be able to let it roll off my back and not get to me, but I don’t know who could do that. There was so much that I didn’t understand. I would go through this with every cycle. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t working. It had been so easy with Tessa, but why the struggle now? I remember that Saturday morning, I was expecting a friend to come over. I had told her the day before about the cycle, she was waiting for the results, and she asked if she could just come over and sit with me. I didn’t do anything with myself, she’s an old friend, 1 of the 4 of us that are a close knit group, she wouldn’t care if I looked like garbage. The doorbell rang, and when I opened it, I found her, and was surprised that the other two that make up our group of four were standing at my door on a Saturday morning (left their own kids at home with their dads) and had in hand flowers, a card, a breakfast Danish, and a bag of Rolos. I stood there and cried as each one hugged me without saying many words, because there wasn’t much to say. They stayed and visited a few hours, and it meant so much me.
Amazingly, I managed to get myself to church the next day, even though I didn’t want to go. I think I cried through pretty much the whole service. It was a constant inner struggle with me because I wanted to be angry at God for making us go through this, but my heart knew that He was in control. There have been many days where my brain and my heart were telling me two different things. Then I would start to get afraid. I was afraid that if I let myself wander into being angry at God that surely He would punish me for that and never let me have another baby. I know that’s not how our God works, I knew that then, and I know that now, but it’s just another one of those struggles that I was facing on a daily basis. It was around this time that I got hooked on another song. Several songs from a particular cd in fact, but one this one spoke to me in particular during this struggle where I felt so lost that I didn’t know if I would ever find my way out. It is called Faithful God and is by Gateway Worship. David burned the cd for me, and like I did with Desert Song, I have listened to this cd pretty much nonstop since he gave it to me (with the exception of my break for Christmas music). It goes like this:
If I call will you come
When I cry, do you hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until you come
Cast my cares into your arms
I can’t see past this storm
But I’m counting on a faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I believe that you still heal
And demons still bow
I’m convinced that there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise til you appear
Step your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure
Even just writing those lyrics now brings me to tears. My God is a faithful God. The first verse is what speaks to me the most. It feels like the tears that I have cried over the last year could fill an ocean, but I know that my God knows. He knows every tear I have cried. And the last line of that verse is my life. I can’t see past this storm, but I’m trusting in a faithful God. Right now I’m in the middle of all this and I can’t see how I’m going to get past it or how I’m going to make it through. I take it one day at a time, and often one hour or one minute at a time, but God knows. He sees where I started and He knows where I’ll be ending. It makes me want to just close my eyes, reach out for His hand and let him walk me through. I have said numerous times throughout all these cycles that I wish I could just close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up when it’s all over, good result or bad result. There is so much stress and so much anxiety and fear when I’m going through this that I just want to skip it all. And while I know I can’t do that, I also know that I can take His hand and he can walk me through any storm. He spoke words and calmed the sea and I know I can trust in what He has promised me.
Several times over the last year, I have heard this old song on the radio (I don’t listen to the radio much, but it seems to play whenever I turn it on). I don’t know who it’s by or the rest of the lyrics, but the chorus goes:
Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whisper, “peace be still”
He can settle any sea, but it doesn’t mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the winds and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
Again, another beautiful way of describing how I feel on a day to day basis. This is one of those times where He’s letting the winds and waves go wild, but all the more, He holds me close and takes care of me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment