We had a lovely Easter weekend where we did many fun things with our family and had some incredible church services. I love Easter, I love the reminder of what Christ did for us so long ago. It's such an amazing time of year to celebrate. On Friday morning, we went to Good Friday service at church. It was a beautiful service, but as I stood there, surrounded by pregnant women and little babies I couldn't help but remember last year's Good Friday service. I was standing in probably very close to the same spot, and feeling overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness to the Lord for the life that was growing inside of me. I can remember thinking that next year at Easter, I would have a 4 month old to bring with me to service. Yet here I stood, no baby, no pregnancy, it was hard. The whole weekend was hard. I did my best to not dwell too much on it, but the reminder was always there. It was right after Easter last year (different date than this year because Easter isn't on the same calendar day every year) that we found out we had lost the baby. So between the emotional baggage and the fact that the shots I'm taking are continuing to make me not feel well, it was at times at rough weekend. Throughout it all, I had my beautiful Tessa, who was the princess of the house, and my incredibly supportive husband, who faces my mood swings like a champ, with me to celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord. Who could ask for more?
This morning, I had a doctor appointment to check on my progress after a good week and a half of taking the shots. My stomach is starting to get quite colorful from my injections, it was made all the more clear to me when I put on a white shirt to go to the doctor this morning and you could actually see my latest, biggest, and darkest bruise through the shirt. No, my shirt was not see-through, my bruise was just that dark. Imagine wearing a black bra with a white shirt, it's gonna show up no matter how thick the shirt is. :) Just another fun side effect of the medication. The appointment went well, the nurse called back this afternoon with the blood test results and everything looked good. I have a little change-up in my medications tonight and will continue with them until I go back next Tuesday for another round of blood work and ultrasound. Tessa went with me to my doctor's appointment this morning, I didn't have a sitter for her, and the appointments are usually so quick. She was the star of the office, all the nurses were ooohhing and aaahhhing over her. She was winning everybody over with talk of her upcoming birthday party and her favorite toys. I'm sure the staff there enjoys getting to see one of their babies coming back to visit. A reminder of why they do what they do. She went in with me for the ultrasound, and it was so sweet, and yet kinda sad at the same time. The tech did a quick ultrasound to see that everything looked good, she didn't say a whole lot, and when she turned the machine off Tessa said, "hey...where the baby go?" The tech kinda chuckled, and it made me smile. I turned to her and said, "sweetie, there is no baby, not yet at least." She really does comprehend so much of what is going on around her. So much more than I realized she does. We talk about it with her a little, we pray with her at night that God would bring her a baby brother or baby sister. She watches me take my shots, (and always asks me, "you feel better now, Mommy?"), but I know there's limits to what a two year old can comprehend so I don't explain a lot of it to her. She's watching and listening though. She gets so much more than I realized. My prayer for her tonight as I am becoming more and more aware is that God would protect her from the emotional strain that I feel throughout this process. It's hard enough on me, I don't want her to have to feel the stress and strain of the situation too.
It's looking like it's very possible that we will be transferring on April 26th, which is about 16 days away. Pray for us, pray for that day, pray for our last two babies that everything will go smoothly and that when we go back in for our pregnancy test that we get our happy ending.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Here We Go Again...
Here we go again, yes, I am almost a week into the last of this round of FET cycles. Last Thursday morning, I went in for a blood draw and was given the all clear to start my Lupron injections. I take those daily, every evening, right around 8pm. So far, it's been going fine. I was nervous to do the first one, but after it was done, it kinda felt like old times again. Sad, I know. The medicine has been making me feel not too well in the evenings. I am extremely tired, and get achy and uncomfortable and super super emotional, which is not much fun. I feel like I've been on the verge of tears for a week. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I'm not exactly sure when we will end up transferring these last two precious babies of ours, but probably around the end of April, is my best guess. Please pray, we need all the prayers we can get. We so desperately want for this cycle to be the one that works.
I was so excited to get started again with this last cycle, I was really ready to get going. As the days are passing, I am getting more and more nervous and scared too. I'm trying to, but I think it's natural given our situation. I'm terrified that we are going to once again hear bad news. I want to trust completely that God is going to answer this desperate cry of ours, but it may not be in His plan, as much as I want it, it may not. I need peace as we progress throughout this cycle, I know it's only going to get more and more intense, and I just need to pray that God's peace would cover David and I through this all. We are both excited, but so scared at the same time. Every other cycle we've done, there's always been that fear of what if it's negative, but there was also always the comfort in knowing that we still had another try because there were still embryos frozen, I don't have that comfort this time, so I have to look up to find my comfort.
Easter is less than a week away, and last night David and I sat down to color Easter eggs with Tessa. She loved it, she really had a great time. I think she probably cracked as many eggs as she colored, my goofy girl. These first two pictures are from last night's egg coloring extravaganza!
I love Easter, it's the most amazing time of the year to celebrate what our Savior did for us on the cross. We had a great service in church on Sunday, I'm quite certain I cried through most of it. It just really moves my heart to see and hear the sacrifice that He made for me so that I could be with Him someday. This year, I admit, Easter is bringing back some different memories for me as well. It really hit me when we sat down to dye eggs last night. April 12, 2011 was the day that I got my positive home pregnancy test from the first FET cycle that we did. We got to spend the whole Easter season preparing to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus knowing and thanking Him every minute of every day for the special blessing He had given us. When we color eggs, we always write our names on them and make one egg for each member of our family. Last year, we made an egg for Daddy, Mommy, Tessa and Baby. We didn't want to jinx it and sway the gender one way or the other, so we made the baby's egg a yellow one. I intentionally omitted the picture below from my facebook albums from Easter because it was still too early to share with anyone other than our closest friends, but we were just so excited. Tessa was going to be a big sister and she was excited too. On Easter Sunday we shared the news with the rest of my mom's side of the family when we gathered at my grandparents' house for our Easter dinner. It was the day after Easter, that Monday when we went in for our ultrasound to see if we had one or two babies and if it(they) had implanted in a good spot when we found out that we had lost the baby.
I was so excited to get started again with this last cycle, I was really ready to get going. As the days are passing, I am getting more and more nervous and scared too. I'm trying to, but I think it's natural given our situation. I'm terrified that we are going to once again hear bad news. I want to trust completely that God is going to answer this desperate cry of ours, but it may not be in His plan, as much as I want it, it may not. I need peace as we progress throughout this cycle, I know it's only going to get more and more intense, and I just need to pray that God's peace would cover David and I through this all. We are both excited, but so scared at the same time. Every other cycle we've done, there's always been that fear of what if it's negative, but there was also always the comfort in knowing that we still had another try because there were still embryos frozen, I don't have that comfort this time, so I have to look up to find my comfort.
Easter is less than a week away, and last night David and I sat down to color Easter eggs with Tessa. She loved it, she really had a great time. I think she probably cracked as many eggs as she colored, my goofy girl. These first two pictures are from last night's egg coloring extravaganza!
I love Easter, it's the most amazing time of the year to celebrate what our Savior did for us on the cross. We had a great service in church on Sunday, I'm quite certain I cried through most of it. It just really moves my heart to see and hear the sacrifice that He made for me so that I could be with Him someday. This year, I admit, Easter is bringing back some different memories for me as well. It really hit me when we sat down to dye eggs last night. April 12, 2011 was the day that I got my positive home pregnancy test from the first FET cycle that we did. We got to spend the whole Easter season preparing to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus knowing and thanking Him every minute of every day for the special blessing He had given us. When we color eggs, we always write our names on them and make one egg for each member of our family. Last year, we made an egg for Daddy, Mommy, Tessa and Baby. We didn't want to jinx it and sway the gender one way or the other, so we made the baby's egg a yellow one. I intentionally omitted the picture below from my facebook albums from Easter because it was still too early to share with anyone other than our closest friends, but we were just so excited. Tessa was going to be a big sister and she was excited too. On Easter Sunday we shared the news with the rest of my mom's side of the family when we gathered at my grandparents' house for our Easter dinner. It was the day after Easter, that Monday when we went in for our ultrasound to see if we had one or two babies and if it(they) had implanted in a good spot when we found out that we had lost the baby.
Sometimes it is unbelievable that it has been a year since we lost that baby and 15 months since we started this whole process. So many of the days have passed in a blur, but I had to make a conscious effort to not let all this time slip away from me. This was such a special year in Tessa's life, she learned and did so many new things that I didn't want to miss any of it. I didn't want to look back at that time of my life and realize that I had been so wrapped up in my own sorrow and misery that I missed watching Tessa grow up.
We have given ourselves several months off, I feel refreshed and ready to tackle this cycle. Please pray for us that this one is our good news, that this cycle will be the one that works. We have two precious little babes waiting and I am so anxious to have them inside me and pray that they will find the perfect place to settle for the next nine months.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 8
There are so many things that I am so very thankful for, and I want to mention those things as well.
I am thankful for my husband. I often forget that he walks through these struggles at the same time I do, and while he expresses his feelings very differently than I do, I know he hurts too. He is such a support to me and is usually the first one willing to get back on the horse after we have been through a failed cycle. He encourages me and jokes with me and keeps my spirits high. When I’m all crazy from the hormone injections, he takes most of my griping and mood swings in stride. While we have definitely had our moments of stress, he’s always there to hold my hand, even if I forget to hold his. He is a great father and husband and we’re in it for the long haul together, no matter what obstacles we have to cross on our way.
I’m thankful for my daughter. Looking at her keeps me going every day. It’s because I feel so incredibly blessed to have her that it makes me want to have another one. She has wiped away more tears than anyone has. I can remember sitting on the kitchen floor crying after a phone call from the doctor’s office, and she came and sat in my lap and said, “Mommy, you sad?”And after wiping away my tears, she said, “all better.” Yes, she makes it all better. The best cure for my repeated broken heart is to hold my girl tight and snuggle with her. I am forever grateful that I have her. I know there are many people who suffer through infertility and never get to have a biological child of their own, and I don’t pretend to know how that would feel. No matter what happens, I have Tessa and she makes every day worth it. I love her with a love that I never thought I could experience. She has her mommy’s sass and her daddy’s love of music, her mommy’s ability to jabber nonstop and her daddy’s wild and craziness. She is the best parts of both of us. She is spunky, loving, sensitive, energetic and sweet. She is perfect.
I’m thankful for my parents. Not only have they been a huge financial support to us this year, but more so an emotional one. It’s hard to watch your child suffer over and over again and I’m thankful for all they have to help me and our family. I have appreciated the shopping trips, dinners out and dinners brought over, phone calls when I’m in tears over another announced pregnancy, and never-ending prayers for us to get all that our hearts have dreamed of. I know they will continue to be there for us to support us in all that we do and to help us achieve our dreams in any way they can.
I’m thankful for the rest of my family: my sisters and their families, David’s parents and my brother in laws and sister in laws on his side. Most of all I have appreciated their prayers and emotional support as I know they want this for us as much as we do. They have been my babysitters when I had appointments and food support when I needed a pick-me-up. Family is family and I know that they hurt along with you.
I’m thankful for my small group and church family. We have shared it all with our small group and they continue to pray for us week in and week out. They are there to bring us dinner when I’m resting after a transfer and cry with us when it failed again. There have been many people in our church family who we have shared our story with and who have prayed for us and are there to offer hugs and be there to do whatever we need. They are the extension of God’s hands to us in a physical way, as the church should be.
I’m thankful for my friends of all kinds. I have friends that are close to me and I’ve known for a long time, but who have a hard time understanding what we’re going through. It doesn’t matter, they are always supportive, willing to help when needed. They have offered to take Tessa off my hands so I can rest, bring food, take me out when I need a break or just sit with me when I need a friend. I have a friend who doesn’t live close, but has been through this stuff and is there to offer support. She sends me e-mails and cards with encouraging scripture verses that seems to speak to me in the moment I need it most. I never knew how much I would appreciate the support of having someone who’s been through this and made it to the other side. She and I have a very special bond. I have another friend who we went through this all together at the same time when I had Tessa, and she did it again but had success before our crazy year started. She and I spent so much time on the phone being there to vent with each other. Our stories may be a little different, but we get it, and I’m thankful to have her to talk to when I needed it. I also have a very special friend who I have gotten close with throughout the last year. She is my IVF friend and she and I are both still walking through it. Our texts and emails mean so much to me. It has often ended up that we cycle about the same time, and it’s so helpful to have someone walking with you side by side. We share so many of the same frustrations and struggles, and it’s so encouraging to know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels this way. I am so thankful for her every day.
I’m thankful for what I’ve learned about myself through this. I’ll admit, my life had been pretty cushy. I had never faced major trials, maybe they seemed it at the time, but in light of what I’ve been through in the last 3 years, it was miniscule. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I never imagined I could go through something like this. I used to look on people like me and pity them, always knowing that I couldn’t do it. But I can do it, and I do with God’s help. I’ve learned that my family is what’s most important to me. I’ve developed a pretty tough skin to people and their unwanted and unnecessary comments. Everyone’s going to have their own opinion and they are welcome to it, but I know what’s right for me and for my family. There are many ways in which I feel like I don’t like the person infertility turned me into, the anger, jealousy and bitterness, but that part comes in waves, usually riding the wave of an unsuccessful cycle. In the wake, I’m left with me, I believe in every person’s right and ability to pursue what they dream. I’ve learned not to ask people when they are going to have a baby, because you never know their story and how much pain that simple question might bring. I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I’ve learned that dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone dreams when they’re young of their perfect future and makes all their wonderful plans. Things don’t always work out how you imagine them, and that’s okay because despite our grandest ideas, God’s plan for us puts ours to shame. He knows what’s best for us.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know for sure that we have another FET that will be coming up in the next month or two. Pray for us. Pray for success. Pray for physical and emotional strength for David and I and Tessa and as we walk through this last step of this part of the journey. We want more than anything, for this last FET to be our success story, but if God chooses for this last transfer to not work, pray that we would have guidance as to what step to take next, more fertility treatments or move toward pursuing adoption. We believe with our whole hearts that God has another child waiting for us, we’re just still in the fog right now as to how that’s going to play out. We don’t have to worry about the future because we are loved by the One who holds the future. Our story isn’t finished yet, and for that, I’m thankful. I’m excited about the future, and nervous at the same time. God only gives you what He knows you can handle, and while there are times that I have wondered if He has overestimated my strength, I’m glad to know that He knew. He has pushed this control freak to her limit so that I have had no choice left but to rely on Him completely. When I feel like I’m falling and unable to continue, I know that He is holding me and He loves me.
Infertility is something that stays with you. I had hoped that after I had Tessa so many of the hurts and pains would go away, but it didn’t. The wounds do heal, but the scars remain. There are women who have been through it, women going through it, and women who are still waiting, and I know to those women it can seem daunting. I have my support from women who have been through it, and I have my support of someone going through it, and I hope that I can be support to someone who is still waiting or getting ready to start the process. You can do it on your own, but why would you want to. God gives us the trials, but He also gives us the ability to face those trials. Over the years, I have prayed and prayed and asked God to show me why it had to be me. I don’t understand it all, and I may never, but the one thing I feel He has spoken to me is that I face this trial so that I can learn from it and turn around and help someone else to needs it. I will take all the prayers we can get and it is my hope and prayer that I am able to help someone who needs someone to lean on. I’m excited to be able to continue sharing our story as it unfolds, because I’m thankful that our story doesn’t have an ending yet. God is good, all the time!
I am thankful for my husband. I often forget that he walks through these struggles at the same time I do, and while he expresses his feelings very differently than I do, I know he hurts too. He is such a support to me and is usually the first one willing to get back on the horse after we have been through a failed cycle. He encourages me and jokes with me and keeps my spirits high. When I’m all crazy from the hormone injections, he takes most of my griping and mood swings in stride. While we have definitely had our moments of stress, he’s always there to hold my hand, even if I forget to hold his. He is a great father and husband and we’re in it for the long haul together, no matter what obstacles we have to cross on our way.
I’m thankful for my daughter. Looking at her keeps me going every day. It’s because I feel so incredibly blessed to have her that it makes me want to have another one. She has wiped away more tears than anyone has. I can remember sitting on the kitchen floor crying after a phone call from the doctor’s office, and she came and sat in my lap and said, “Mommy, you sad?”And after wiping away my tears, she said, “all better.” Yes, she makes it all better. The best cure for my repeated broken heart is to hold my girl tight and snuggle with her. I am forever grateful that I have her. I know there are many people who suffer through infertility and never get to have a biological child of their own, and I don’t pretend to know how that would feel. No matter what happens, I have Tessa and she makes every day worth it. I love her with a love that I never thought I could experience. She has her mommy’s sass and her daddy’s love of music, her mommy’s ability to jabber nonstop and her daddy’s wild and craziness. She is the best parts of both of us. She is spunky, loving, sensitive, energetic and sweet. She is perfect.
I’m thankful for my parents. Not only have they been a huge financial support to us this year, but more so an emotional one. It’s hard to watch your child suffer over and over again and I’m thankful for all they have to help me and our family. I have appreciated the shopping trips, dinners out and dinners brought over, phone calls when I’m in tears over another announced pregnancy, and never-ending prayers for us to get all that our hearts have dreamed of. I know they will continue to be there for us to support us in all that we do and to help us achieve our dreams in any way they can.
I’m thankful for the rest of my family: my sisters and their families, David’s parents and my brother in laws and sister in laws on his side. Most of all I have appreciated their prayers and emotional support as I know they want this for us as much as we do. They have been my babysitters when I had appointments and food support when I needed a pick-me-up. Family is family and I know that they hurt along with you.
I’m thankful for my small group and church family. We have shared it all with our small group and they continue to pray for us week in and week out. They are there to bring us dinner when I’m resting after a transfer and cry with us when it failed again. There have been many people in our church family who we have shared our story with and who have prayed for us and are there to offer hugs and be there to do whatever we need. They are the extension of God’s hands to us in a physical way, as the church should be.
I’m thankful for my friends of all kinds. I have friends that are close to me and I’ve known for a long time, but who have a hard time understanding what we’re going through. It doesn’t matter, they are always supportive, willing to help when needed. They have offered to take Tessa off my hands so I can rest, bring food, take me out when I need a break or just sit with me when I need a friend. I have a friend who doesn’t live close, but has been through this stuff and is there to offer support. She sends me e-mails and cards with encouraging scripture verses that seems to speak to me in the moment I need it most. I never knew how much I would appreciate the support of having someone who’s been through this and made it to the other side. She and I have a very special bond. I have another friend who we went through this all together at the same time when I had Tessa, and she did it again but had success before our crazy year started. She and I spent so much time on the phone being there to vent with each other. Our stories may be a little different, but we get it, and I’m thankful to have her to talk to when I needed it. I also have a very special friend who I have gotten close with throughout the last year. She is my IVF friend and she and I are both still walking through it. Our texts and emails mean so much to me. It has often ended up that we cycle about the same time, and it’s so helpful to have someone walking with you side by side. We share so many of the same frustrations and struggles, and it’s so encouraging to know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels this way. I am so thankful for her every day.
I’m thankful for what I’ve learned about myself through this. I’ll admit, my life had been pretty cushy. I had never faced major trials, maybe they seemed it at the time, but in light of what I’ve been through in the last 3 years, it was miniscule. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I never imagined I could go through something like this. I used to look on people like me and pity them, always knowing that I couldn’t do it. But I can do it, and I do with God’s help. I’ve learned that my family is what’s most important to me. I’ve developed a pretty tough skin to people and their unwanted and unnecessary comments. Everyone’s going to have their own opinion and they are welcome to it, but I know what’s right for me and for my family. There are many ways in which I feel like I don’t like the person infertility turned me into, the anger, jealousy and bitterness, but that part comes in waves, usually riding the wave of an unsuccessful cycle. In the wake, I’m left with me, I believe in every person’s right and ability to pursue what they dream. I’ve learned not to ask people when they are going to have a baby, because you never know their story and how much pain that simple question might bring. I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I’ve learned that dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone dreams when they’re young of their perfect future and makes all their wonderful plans. Things don’t always work out how you imagine them, and that’s okay because despite our grandest ideas, God’s plan for us puts ours to shame. He knows what’s best for us.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know for sure that we have another FET that will be coming up in the next month or two. Pray for us. Pray for success. Pray for physical and emotional strength for David and I and Tessa and as we walk through this last step of this part of the journey. We want more than anything, for this last FET to be our success story, but if God chooses for this last transfer to not work, pray that we would have guidance as to what step to take next, more fertility treatments or move toward pursuing adoption. We believe with our whole hearts that God has another child waiting for us, we’re just still in the fog right now as to how that’s going to play out. We don’t have to worry about the future because we are loved by the One who holds the future. Our story isn’t finished yet, and for that, I’m thankful. I’m excited about the future, and nervous at the same time. God only gives you what He knows you can handle, and while there are times that I have wondered if He has overestimated my strength, I’m glad to know that He knew. He has pushed this control freak to her limit so that I have had no choice left but to rely on Him completely. When I feel like I’m falling and unable to continue, I know that He is holding me and He loves me.
Infertility is something that stays with you. I had hoped that after I had Tessa so many of the hurts and pains would go away, but it didn’t. The wounds do heal, but the scars remain. There are women who have been through it, women going through it, and women who are still waiting, and I know to those women it can seem daunting. I have my support from women who have been through it, and I have my support of someone going through it, and I hope that I can be support to someone who is still waiting or getting ready to start the process. You can do it on your own, but why would you want to. God gives us the trials, but He also gives us the ability to face those trials. Over the years, I have prayed and prayed and asked God to show me why it had to be me. I don’t understand it all, and I may never, but the one thing I feel He has spoken to me is that I face this trial so that I can learn from it and turn around and help someone else to needs it. I will take all the prayers we can get and it is my hope and prayer that I am able to help someone who needs someone to lean on. I’m excited to be able to continue sharing our story as it unfolds, because I’m thankful that our story doesn’t have an ending yet. God is good, all the time!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 7
With time, the hurt started to fade. It helped that the Christmas season was nearing close. There are few things I love more than Christmas trees and Christmas shopping and Christmas carols and Christmas cookies. I did my best to power through it. The hurt and pain would resurface at times I wouldn’t expect it, like when I went shopping for my mother-in-laws Christmas gift. I knew what I had wanted to get her, and it was going to be our way of announcing the pregnancy, but no, I had to change my plans now. I found myself crying every time I would hear Away in a Manger, Christmas always makes me emotional, thinking about God becoming flesh for us, but this year, the emotions were mixed with so much more. Then my birthday was approaching. Honestly, I love my birthday, I always have, but this year, I was dreading it. It was the due date of the baby I lost. I was hoping so badly to be pregnant again by the time this day rolled around, that hopefully it would help to absorb some of the sting, but no, that wasn’t in the cards for me. On top of that, a friend of mine was having her 20 week ultrasound on my birthday to find out the gender of her baby. She was great though, so sensitive, and offered to tell me the results on a different day if I thought it would be too much for me. I really do have great friends. Much to my surprise, my birthday came, and it was a great day. Tessa makes everything better. My family was wonderful, we had a great dinner out and cheesecake for dessert. A day I was dreading turned into a lovely memory. I was sad at times, yes, but it was outweighed by the way my family was such a blessing to me.
I knew I needed a break from the cycles. My body had flipped out on me. I was having anxiety attacks and feeling very down and depressed. I needed to step away from it for a while. I’m not sure if it was the medication or just my body’s protective reaction to all the pain it had experienced, I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t continue on without some healing time. We have two embryos left. Since he’ll transfer two at a time, this is the last of our FET cycles. If this next cycle doesn’t work, then we have some decisions to make. I’m sure my doctor gets annoyed with me, after every cycle, I question why it didn’t work and if there is something different that we can try. I question where there is something else wrong that we have missed. I question it all. His response is always the same, there’s about a 50/50 chance of it working every time. He gives me the coin analogy. If you flipped a coin four times and it came up heads every time, would you think there was something wrong with the coin? No, it’s just how it happens. So on one hand I feel like the odds are stacking up against me, four failed cycles, it’s not looking good for the last one. On the other hand, I think four failed cycles, with a supposed 50/50 chance, this next one has got to work. I have continued to deal with a lot of anger and frustration from this last cycle and all that we’ve gone through.
My mom told me something that has helped me so much. She heard this from a lady she works with who teaches a Bible study to young adult women. I’m paraphrasing a bit here and sharing what I got out of it most, but the idea was that you need to take your biggest hurts and frustrations and visualize wrapping it up in a beautiful gift box. Then, picture yourself walking up the stairs to God’s throne with your gift, reaching the top and handing it to Him. Now, it’s not polite to take a gift back after you’ve given away, and certainly you wouldn’t take back a gift you give to God, your Heavenly Father. Once you give it, you no longer have it and it’s not yours to worry about it. I have taken that to heart. Unfortunately, I haven’t mastered the not taking it back part, but I’m working on it. Almost daily, in my prayer time, I do that, I give that box back to the Lord. I give Him my hurt, pain, frustration, anger, worry, and fear about our situation. It’s a pretty big box, but I know nothing is too big for my God to handle. It helps me so much. Then, another day comes and those things start sneaking back into my life, and I have to do it all over again. Someday I want to be able to give it away and never take it back. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I know that God has good and big plans for me.
During one of my harder times, David and I were talking and he shared with me a song that had been so inspiring for him. I had heard this song many times before, as it is on the same cd as my Faithful God song, but sometimes I get in a bit of a rut and can’t see outside of my box. I gave the song a listen and felt so uplifted by it. I’m so thankful David opened my eyes to it. It’s called You Are For Me and it’s by Gateway Worship:
So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are
So patient
So graceful
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you
I love that part that says, “I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness.” So many times I need to be reminded that He is for me. He is on my side. There have been so many times that my flesh has battled in thinking that I am fighting against Him, like this is something I am fighting for, but He doesn’t want for me, so He’s fighting against me, but I have it all wrong. He is FOR me. He’s on my side. He’s fighting for me. Referring back to Desert Song, He is refining me through this flame, through this fire I’m walking through right now.
This is an ongoing struggle. There are issues that I battle with every day. I think I’m now currently up to 11 friends and family, all who are expecting babies anywhere from April to September. Each one is a little harder to hear about than the previous one. It’s not that I’m not happy for them and excited for them, I certainly am, I realize I may have a funny way of showing, but I really am. It is just another reminder of something I desperately want but can’t seem to attain.
I struggle with the battle of feeling like I am a bad mother because I keep going through this time after time. A little voice inside of me makes me feel so guilty telling me, isn’t Tessa enough? Why aren’t you happy with just her? I know it’s the devil trying to psyche me out. Tessa is my whole world and if she is my only child, then she is more than enough, (she certainly keeps me busy enough). I want another child for her as much as I do for myself. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel so blessed to have grown up with two sisters and I know how much better my life is because of them, and I want her to have that chance too.
Along with what I said before, I struggle so much with jealousy. One of my sisters and I run a business and one of the most popular things that we do is appliqued shirts, and of those, the most popular thing we sell is the Big Sis and Little Sis shirts. A little part of me hurts every time I have to make one, especially when the Big Sis shirt is a tiny size. It’s so hard for me, knowing that some people can have babies at the drop of a hat and often when they aren’t even trying for them. It’s often the little things that are a constant reminder to me.
I struggle often with the fear of what might happen if this next cycle doesn’t work. Am I going to be able to accept that? Even throughout all the failure and disappointment we have had in the last year, there has always been a glimmer of hope, because there is always the next cycle. What is the next one doesn’t work? How am I going to come to terms with it? I don’t know if we will physically, emotionally and financially be able to afford starting another cycle, so this very well could be my last shot at having another biological child of my own.
I also struggle so much with the feelings of failure. Not being able to conceive a child on our own often makes me feel like a failure as a wife, as a mother and as a woman. During every month that I wasn’t getting pregnant on my own (before Tessa) and after every failed cycle, I feel as though I have let David down. This is what I am supposed to be able to do as his wife, and I can’t. I hate letting him down. Then it puts into question my abilities as a mother. Why won’t these babies attach and stay in my body? I am their mother, why can’t I get them to stay with me? The question is always in my mind that maybe I have done something wrong in how I have raised Tessa and the way that I mother her, and that’s why I’m not being allowed to have another child. And it all falls back on my feelings of failure as a woman. God designed my body for this purpose, but I can’t fulfill it. With all of the pressures of society are me, when my body doesn’t do what it was made to do, it makes me feel like failure as a woman. Just as if when I had been teaching, if I had been unable to effectively teach my class so that they could learn what was necessary, I would have felt like a failure as teacher, because it is such a struggle to get pregnant, when it’s something I have been created to do, it makes me feel like a failure as a woman, a mother and a wife. However, like many of the other struggles I deal with on a daily basis, I know that these feelings are a spiritual attack on me, trying to get me to doubt God and the way that He made me. I have to fight back against the devil’s attacks and trust that God created David and I this way because He has a plan for us, a bigger one than what I can see with my limited human vision. God doesn’t make mistakes, and if He chose for David and I to fight this battle, there is a reason.
Lately we have more seriously been considering the idea of adoption. David has always wanted to adopt, long before we ever thought we would have to undergo fertility treatments of any kind, but it was never something I felt as strongly about. Over the last 6 months or so, my heart has really turned toward it. If this last cycle doesn’t work, we may start looking into adoption, or even if it does, maybe adopting a few years down the road. Not that adoption is an easy road by any means, I don’t know much about it except that it’s expensive and it can take a long time. There’s the decision of whether to adopt domestically or internationally, both have their own list of challenges. Then after all this is said and done, I go back to my feelings of frustration that I have to deal with all these issues in the first place. When it feels like everyone around me (with the exception of a couple of my infertility friends) can fill up their house with little ones the good old fashioned way and have them anytime they want. Why couldn’t that have been me? Then there’s the cost of it all. Having and raising children costs enough, why does it have to cost me so much just in an attempt to get one? It just seems so unjust.
But just when I think I can’t take it anymore and fill myself with pity and sorrow that I have to go through all this garbage, I look at my Tessa. I look at her and I am thankful for the pain and the stress and hurt that we went through, because without it, we wouldn’t have her. I wouldn’t trade it all in for anything. This time around it’s a little harder, because as of yet, I don’t have that sweet face to look at and say it was all worth it. If I had a guarantee in the end that no matter what we went through, someday, I will carry another baby, I would keep at no matter what. The scary part is that there is no guarantee. I could keep doing IVF for the next ten years and never get a baby, or I could stop after this next cycle and who knows, maybe the one after that would have worked.
It’s when I start to drift there that I have to go back to my Candyland board game. I may not know what direction my life is going to take, but God does, and I have to trust that He will lead me step and by step and whatever direction He takes me in, will be the right one, even if it’s different than what I thought was the right path. Trust me, that’s a lot easier to say than to do, and some days I believe it a lot more than I do others, but if I can’t believe that He loves me enough to take care of me and do what’s best for me, than what do I have to believe in. I’ve said it many times before, but I have been so blessed through music in all that we’ve been through. I just heard a song for the first time last week, David got the new Cari Jobe album and there was a song that just moved me, it’s called Steady my Heart:
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You’re here
You’re real
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when its hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart
I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What’s good and what get broken
Happens just the way that You plan
And I will run to You
You’re my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart
You steady my heart
Sometimes I feel like it’s all falling apart around me, but God is there to hold me in His hands. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13. There is no way I could have made it through this past year still standing on two feet if He weren’t holding me up throughout it all. He is my strength
I knew I needed a break from the cycles. My body had flipped out on me. I was having anxiety attacks and feeling very down and depressed. I needed to step away from it for a while. I’m not sure if it was the medication or just my body’s protective reaction to all the pain it had experienced, I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t continue on without some healing time. We have two embryos left. Since he’ll transfer two at a time, this is the last of our FET cycles. If this next cycle doesn’t work, then we have some decisions to make. I’m sure my doctor gets annoyed with me, after every cycle, I question why it didn’t work and if there is something different that we can try. I question where there is something else wrong that we have missed. I question it all. His response is always the same, there’s about a 50/50 chance of it working every time. He gives me the coin analogy. If you flipped a coin four times and it came up heads every time, would you think there was something wrong with the coin? No, it’s just how it happens. So on one hand I feel like the odds are stacking up against me, four failed cycles, it’s not looking good for the last one. On the other hand, I think four failed cycles, with a supposed 50/50 chance, this next one has got to work. I have continued to deal with a lot of anger and frustration from this last cycle and all that we’ve gone through.
My mom told me something that has helped me so much. She heard this from a lady she works with who teaches a Bible study to young adult women. I’m paraphrasing a bit here and sharing what I got out of it most, but the idea was that you need to take your biggest hurts and frustrations and visualize wrapping it up in a beautiful gift box. Then, picture yourself walking up the stairs to God’s throne with your gift, reaching the top and handing it to Him. Now, it’s not polite to take a gift back after you’ve given away, and certainly you wouldn’t take back a gift you give to God, your Heavenly Father. Once you give it, you no longer have it and it’s not yours to worry about it. I have taken that to heart. Unfortunately, I haven’t mastered the not taking it back part, but I’m working on it. Almost daily, in my prayer time, I do that, I give that box back to the Lord. I give Him my hurt, pain, frustration, anger, worry, and fear about our situation. It’s a pretty big box, but I know nothing is too big for my God to handle. It helps me so much. Then, another day comes and those things start sneaking back into my life, and I have to do it all over again. Someday I want to be able to give it away and never take it back. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. I know that God has good and big plans for me.
During one of my harder times, David and I were talking and he shared with me a song that had been so inspiring for him. I had heard this song many times before, as it is on the same cd as my Faithful God song, but sometimes I get in a bit of a rut and can’t see outside of my box. I gave the song a listen and felt so uplifted by it. I’m so thankful David opened my eyes to it. It’s called You Are For Me and it’s by Gateway Worship:
So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are
So patient
So graceful
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you
I love that part that says, “I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness.” So many times I need to be reminded that He is for me. He is on my side. There have been so many times that my flesh has battled in thinking that I am fighting against Him, like this is something I am fighting for, but He doesn’t want for me, so He’s fighting against me, but I have it all wrong. He is FOR me. He’s on my side. He’s fighting for me. Referring back to Desert Song, He is refining me through this flame, through this fire I’m walking through right now.
This is an ongoing struggle. There are issues that I battle with every day. I think I’m now currently up to 11 friends and family, all who are expecting babies anywhere from April to September. Each one is a little harder to hear about than the previous one. It’s not that I’m not happy for them and excited for them, I certainly am, I realize I may have a funny way of showing, but I really am. It is just another reminder of something I desperately want but can’t seem to attain.
I struggle with the battle of feeling like I am a bad mother because I keep going through this time after time. A little voice inside of me makes me feel so guilty telling me, isn’t Tessa enough? Why aren’t you happy with just her? I know it’s the devil trying to psyche me out. Tessa is my whole world and if she is my only child, then she is more than enough, (she certainly keeps me busy enough). I want another child for her as much as I do for myself. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel so blessed to have grown up with two sisters and I know how much better my life is because of them, and I want her to have that chance too.
Along with what I said before, I struggle so much with jealousy. One of my sisters and I run a business and one of the most popular things that we do is appliqued shirts, and of those, the most popular thing we sell is the Big Sis and Little Sis shirts. A little part of me hurts every time I have to make one, especially when the Big Sis shirt is a tiny size. It’s so hard for me, knowing that some people can have babies at the drop of a hat and often when they aren’t even trying for them. It’s often the little things that are a constant reminder to me.
I struggle often with the fear of what might happen if this next cycle doesn’t work. Am I going to be able to accept that? Even throughout all the failure and disappointment we have had in the last year, there has always been a glimmer of hope, because there is always the next cycle. What is the next one doesn’t work? How am I going to come to terms with it? I don’t know if we will physically, emotionally and financially be able to afford starting another cycle, so this very well could be my last shot at having another biological child of my own.
I also struggle so much with the feelings of failure. Not being able to conceive a child on our own often makes me feel like a failure as a wife, as a mother and as a woman. During every month that I wasn’t getting pregnant on my own (before Tessa) and after every failed cycle, I feel as though I have let David down. This is what I am supposed to be able to do as his wife, and I can’t. I hate letting him down. Then it puts into question my abilities as a mother. Why won’t these babies attach and stay in my body? I am their mother, why can’t I get them to stay with me? The question is always in my mind that maybe I have done something wrong in how I have raised Tessa and the way that I mother her, and that’s why I’m not being allowed to have another child. And it all falls back on my feelings of failure as a woman. God designed my body for this purpose, but I can’t fulfill it. With all of the pressures of society are me, when my body doesn’t do what it was made to do, it makes me feel like failure as a woman. Just as if when I had been teaching, if I had been unable to effectively teach my class so that they could learn what was necessary, I would have felt like a failure as teacher, because it is such a struggle to get pregnant, when it’s something I have been created to do, it makes me feel like a failure as a woman, a mother and a wife. However, like many of the other struggles I deal with on a daily basis, I know that these feelings are a spiritual attack on me, trying to get me to doubt God and the way that He made me. I have to fight back against the devil’s attacks and trust that God created David and I this way because He has a plan for us, a bigger one than what I can see with my limited human vision. God doesn’t make mistakes, and if He chose for David and I to fight this battle, there is a reason.
Lately we have more seriously been considering the idea of adoption. David has always wanted to adopt, long before we ever thought we would have to undergo fertility treatments of any kind, but it was never something I felt as strongly about. Over the last 6 months or so, my heart has really turned toward it. If this last cycle doesn’t work, we may start looking into adoption, or even if it does, maybe adopting a few years down the road. Not that adoption is an easy road by any means, I don’t know much about it except that it’s expensive and it can take a long time. There’s the decision of whether to adopt domestically or internationally, both have their own list of challenges. Then after all this is said and done, I go back to my feelings of frustration that I have to deal with all these issues in the first place. When it feels like everyone around me (with the exception of a couple of my infertility friends) can fill up their house with little ones the good old fashioned way and have them anytime they want. Why couldn’t that have been me? Then there’s the cost of it all. Having and raising children costs enough, why does it have to cost me so much just in an attempt to get one? It just seems so unjust.
But just when I think I can’t take it anymore and fill myself with pity and sorrow that I have to go through all this garbage, I look at my Tessa. I look at her and I am thankful for the pain and the stress and hurt that we went through, because without it, we wouldn’t have her. I wouldn’t trade it all in for anything. This time around it’s a little harder, because as of yet, I don’t have that sweet face to look at and say it was all worth it. If I had a guarantee in the end that no matter what we went through, someday, I will carry another baby, I would keep at no matter what. The scary part is that there is no guarantee. I could keep doing IVF for the next ten years and never get a baby, or I could stop after this next cycle and who knows, maybe the one after that would have worked.
It’s when I start to drift there that I have to go back to my Candyland board game. I may not know what direction my life is going to take, but God does, and I have to trust that He will lead me step and by step and whatever direction He takes me in, will be the right one, even if it’s different than what I thought was the right path. Trust me, that’s a lot easier to say than to do, and some days I believe it a lot more than I do others, but if I can’t believe that He loves me enough to take care of me and do what’s best for me, than what do I have to believe in. I’ve said it many times before, but I have been so blessed through music in all that we’ve been through. I just heard a song for the first time last week, David got the new Cari Jobe album and there was a song that just moved me, it’s called Steady my Heart:
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You’re here
You’re real
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when its hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart
I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What’s good and what get broken
Happens just the way that You plan
And I will run to You
You’re my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart
You steady my heart
Sometimes I feel like it’s all falling apart around me, but God is there to hold me in His hands. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:13. There is no way I could have made it through this past year still standing on two feet if He weren’t holding me up throughout it all. He is my strength
Monday, February 27, 2012
A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 6
About 5 more weeks passed, and we felt like we were ready to start another cycle. This one was going to be it! I just knew it. I felt so good about it going into it. I decided to really do some things to prepare my body. I started up again going to the chiropractor on a regular basis, I started getting acupuncture, and I started seeing a massage therapist. I also had it figured out in my mind that according to our pattern, this one would have to work. It was going every other cycle. It worked with Tessa, then our first IVF try it didn’t work. Our first FET cycle worked, then we lost the baby, but it at least it was a positive test to begin with, then the next FET cycle was negative. According to the pattern, it had to work this time. That’s logical, right?
One added stressor to me during this cycle which wasn’t so prevalent during my other cycles were the pregnancies happening all around me. I had one other friend who was pregnant during my other cycles, but she had been through infertility treatments too, so there was a common bond shared there. But now, all of a sudden, I was getting friends and family member announcing pregnancies all around me. The people in my life that I was closer to, told me in person or over the phone, but many of them were Facebook announcements. I actually had to remove myself from Facebook, and I took a break for about 3 or 4 months because it seemed like every time I logged in, it was another announcement or newborn baby pictures or worse yet, someone complaining about their pregnancy, and I just couldn’t take it. Buh-bye, Facebook. The announcements that came in person or over the phone were the hardest. Oh a what challenge to compose myself enough to congratulate, then hang up the phone or walk away and cry for hours. It’s not that I wasn’t happy for them, I was, I really was. Blessings on anyone who doesn’t have to walk through what I have to in order to get a baby. It was just so hard because I want it so badly for myself. It’s just another reminder of how desperately I want another baby, but are still left wanting. It would bring back all the old frustrations of “why me?” Why do I have to go through this?
I know there are hundreds of thousands of trials that people go through that say the same thing, and I am thankful that I have been spared of those trials, but this is mine. Infertility is my “why me.” I fought off the battles of “what did I do wrong to deserve this?” Every new announcement brought me back to that same place. I have great friends and family members, and every person who told me in person or over the phone, would tell me with such sensitivity. But I got to the point where I dreaded hearing the word, “I know how hard this must be for to hear after all you’ve been through, but…” I don’t know what’s worse, the walking on eggshells around me or rejoicing for their good news. While I know someone who was ridiculously happy while delivering the news would hurt, the eggshells hurt too. Having a baby, for most people, is a wonderful thing and news that they are thrilled to share with someone else. I hate the fact that because of my infertility, it robs someone else of their joy. My situation spills over into other people’s lives too, and not necessarily in a good way. There’s just no easy way to face this situation. I appreciate my loving friends and their sensitivity and that they care enough about me to do what they think will hurt the least. For that, I love them.
This cycle was different for us because we decided to keep it to ourselves. There were a handful of people who knew about it, very few family and even fewer friends. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to tell people, but we were just so certain this time it would work, that we wanted to surprise our family and friends. We knew we’d be finding out after Thanksgiving, so we figured what a better Christmas surprise. By the time this cycle was over, I think I had 8 friends and family members who had announced they were expecting, I just wanted to be one of them. I even had it all planned out how we would announce it to David’s family on Christmas and to my extended family. We were so sure, so sure.
Anyway, the cycle went fine, same round of medications, same sick and gross feeling throughout. This was becoming old hat to me. I was a pro. This was my third FET and fourth treatment in the last 10 months. Everything was going well. I even had an acupuncturist come and do a treatment for me right before and right after our transfer. I felt so relaxed and at east about this one because I knew it would work. Surely we wouldn’t have to go through all this pain again. How much could one person bear? Like my last three transfers, I had that moment of intense prayer the second that I knew my babies were inside of me. I could feel myself willing them to dig in deep.
That next week, I spent every spare moment with my hands on my stomach praying and praying for these babies. These were my babies and I wanted to meet them. This was the week before Thanksgiving, so thankfully David had some time off of work so that he could be home to help with Tessa again. I tried not to lift her, as she is getting pretty big and I tried to relax whenever possible. About three days after the transfer I had a day of pretty sharp cramping, at first, I thought, oh no, this isn’t good. Then the next day it went away. I talked to my sister and my mom about it and read online and from everything I could gather, that was actually a good sign. Cramping a few days after the transfer was usually a sign of implantation.
I was really feeling like this one had worked. It also needs to be said that even at this stage, I felt very pregnant. Because of the nature of the fertility cycles, you have to take estrogen and progesterone supplement before and after your transfer. And if you are pregnant, then you have to stay on them for several weeks/months as your body is adjusting to producing the hormones on its own. So basically, these hormones are mimicking a pregnancy, and you have all the symptoms of early pregnancy. Yes, this happened with every cycle I did, and in my mind, I knew it was the medications that made me feel nauseous and tired and all those things that go with it. I knew that because I felt those things during the cycles that gave us a negative result. But it doesn’t help that your heart desperately wants it to work, so as much as I knew it was the medications making me feel that way, I couldn’t help but want to believe that it was because I was pregnant that I was feeling like this. After wanting it desperately for so long, your body starts to play tricks on you, and the sensible things that you know you should be believing in, don’t seem to matter. So here I am, sure from day one that this cycle was going to work, I had cramping for a day that stopped abruptly (from what I understood, attributed to implantation), plus I was tired, nauseous and feeling sensitive to smells, of course, it just keeps building it up in me that I must be pregnant. I decided not to take pregnancy tests during the week after this transfer. I thought it would make hearing “no” easier if I was prepared for it because I had been testing negative all week, but I learned from the last cycle that it didn’t make it easier, it just made me more stressed out and depressed during the week because I kept hearing “no” over and over again. So this time I decided not to take any tests.
My blood test came on Black Friday. No, I’m not a crazy Black Friday shopper, but I really wanted to try and keep my mind distracted, so that morning, my mom went up with me and we brought Tessa with us. I ran in, did my blood work, and the three of us went off shopping. I tried to enjoy my day, but it was hard, my mind was totally somewhere else. I jumped every time someone’s cell phone around me would ring. It wasn’t working, so we went home. The phone call came that afternoon, it was words I had heard before, “I’m sorry sweetie, it’s not good news.”
My heart dropped and once again, it felt like my world was crashing around me. How could this keep happening to me? I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t focus. Why? It’s not like I’m asking to win the lottery here, I want a baby. Something that it seems like every other person I know gets to have with no trouble at all. Why not me? I didn’t think I could handle this. I’m maxed out. I have nothing left. All the old questions come racing back. Does God care about me? Why is He putting me through all this pain? Why do I have to go through this? Why won’t it work? That weekend is a bit of a blur to me now. I remember my parents came over that night and brought us carry-outs from Chili’s because I couldn’t get off the couch to fix any dinner and I certainly wasn’t in any sort of condition to go out. I don’t think I slept much that night. I spent most of it laying in bed crying. I was angry and disappointed because it had failed again, and so sad for my babies. I was missing them fiercely. They were with Jesus now. His loving arms were surrounding them instead of being nestled inside of me. I know His arms were around me too, although I fought it that night because I was so angry and hurt, He still loved me enough to comfort me.
The next morning, my mom came and picked me up and took me shopping. I had needed some new winter clothes, but had put it off because it seemed silly to buy winter clothes when I was soon going to be pregnant and not able to wear them. Now here I was, not pregnant and in need of clothes. My mom knew there was nothing she could say to make me feel better, but she did what she could to try and cheer me up and take my mind off things. It didn’t make the hurt go away, and more than a few tears slipped from my eyes while in the stores, but she helped me in the best way she could. As a mother myself, I know that nothing hurts more than when your child is hurting. I knew the pain I was in, what I wasn’t numb to, at least, and I can only imagine how watching me have to go through this time and time again would cause her so much hurt and pain too. She was always strong for me.
I remember the next day, I went to church. I was supposed to do nursery that day, but I couldn’t. They found me a replacement. I wasn’t sure if I would even go to church, but I felt like I needed to. I was hurt and angry, but I knew I needed to be in church. I put Tessa in Sunday school and wen to service alone. David was leading worship, so it was just me. I sat in the back row, in the last seat. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to sneak by without being noticed. I will never forget, a close friend of mine came in with her family. Her family was in visiting from out of state, and she didn’t see them very often at all. She turned around and saw that I was here. She left her seat, and came back by me. I figured she was going to give me a hug and head back to her family, but she came in, hugged me, and said that she just wanted to be with me, she didn’t want me to be alone. She wanted me to know she cared. I think I cried through the rest of the service. I couldn’t believe she cared enough to leave her family who she never sees to just sit with me, so I wouldn’t be alone. My friends are the greatest.
One added stressor to me during this cycle which wasn’t so prevalent during my other cycles were the pregnancies happening all around me. I had one other friend who was pregnant during my other cycles, but she had been through infertility treatments too, so there was a common bond shared there. But now, all of a sudden, I was getting friends and family member announcing pregnancies all around me. The people in my life that I was closer to, told me in person or over the phone, but many of them were Facebook announcements. I actually had to remove myself from Facebook, and I took a break for about 3 or 4 months because it seemed like every time I logged in, it was another announcement or newborn baby pictures or worse yet, someone complaining about their pregnancy, and I just couldn’t take it. Buh-bye, Facebook. The announcements that came in person or over the phone were the hardest. Oh a what challenge to compose myself enough to congratulate, then hang up the phone or walk away and cry for hours. It’s not that I wasn’t happy for them, I was, I really was. Blessings on anyone who doesn’t have to walk through what I have to in order to get a baby. It was just so hard because I want it so badly for myself. It’s just another reminder of how desperately I want another baby, but are still left wanting. It would bring back all the old frustrations of “why me?” Why do I have to go through this?
I know there are hundreds of thousands of trials that people go through that say the same thing, and I am thankful that I have been spared of those trials, but this is mine. Infertility is my “why me.” I fought off the battles of “what did I do wrong to deserve this?” Every new announcement brought me back to that same place. I have great friends and family members, and every person who told me in person or over the phone, would tell me with such sensitivity. But I got to the point where I dreaded hearing the word, “I know how hard this must be for to hear after all you’ve been through, but…” I don’t know what’s worse, the walking on eggshells around me or rejoicing for their good news. While I know someone who was ridiculously happy while delivering the news would hurt, the eggshells hurt too. Having a baby, for most people, is a wonderful thing and news that they are thrilled to share with someone else. I hate the fact that because of my infertility, it robs someone else of their joy. My situation spills over into other people’s lives too, and not necessarily in a good way. There’s just no easy way to face this situation. I appreciate my loving friends and their sensitivity and that they care enough about me to do what they think will hurt the least. For that, I love them.
This cycle was different for us because we decided to keep it to ourselves. There were a handful of people who knew about it, very few family and even fewer friends. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to tell people, but we were just so certain this time it would work, that we wanted to surprise our family and friends. We knew we’d be finding out after Thanksgiving, so we figured what a better Christmas surprise. By the time this cycle was over, I think I had 8 friends and family members who had announced they were expecting, I just wanted to be one of them. I even had it all planned out how we would announce it to David’s family on Christmas and to my extended family. We were so sure, so sure.
Anyway, the cycle went fine, same round of medications, same sick and gross feeling throughout. This was becoming old hat to me. I was a pro. This was my third FET and fourth treatment in the last 10 months. Everything was going well. I even had an acupuncturist come and do a treatment for me right before and right after our transfer. I felt so relaxed and at east about this one because I knew it would work. Surely we wouldn’t have to go through all this pain again. How much could one person bear? Like my last three transfers, I had that moment of intense prayer the second that I knew my babies were inside of me. I could feel myself willing them to dig in deep.
That next week, I spent every spare moment with my hands on my stomach praying and praying for these babies. These were my babies and I wanted to meet them. This was the week before Thanksgiving, so thankfully David had some time off of work so that he could be home to help with Tessa again. I tried not to lift her, as she is getting pretty big and I tried to relax whenever possible. About three days after the transfer I had a day of pretty sharp cramping, at first, I thought, oh no, this isn’t good. Then the next day it went away. I talked to my sister and my mom about it and read online and from everything I could gather, that was actually a good sign. Cramping a few days after the transfer was usually a sign of implantation.
I was really feeling like this one had worked. It also needs to be said that even at this stage, I felt very pregnant. Because of the nature of the fertility cycles, you have to take estrogen and progesterone supplement before and after your transfer. And if you are pregnant, then you have to stay on them for several weeks/months as your body is adjusting to producing the hormones on its own. So basically, these hormones are mimicking a pregnancy, and you have all the symptoms of early pregnancy. Yes, this happened with every cycle I did, and in my mind, I knew it was the medications that made me feel nauseous and tired and all those things that go with it. I knew that because I felt those things during the cycles that gave us a negative result. But it doesn’t help that your heart desperately wants it to work, so as much as I knew it was the medications making me feel that way, I couldn’t help but want to believe that it was because I was pregnant that I was feeling like this. After wanting it desperately for so long, your body starts to play tricks on you, and the sensible things that you know you should be believing in, don’t seem to matter. So here I am, sure from day one that this cycle was going to work, I had cramping for a day that stopped abruptly (from what I understood, attributed to implantation), plus I was tired, nauseous and feeling sensitive to smells, of course, it just keeps building it up in me that I must be pregnant. I decided not to take pregnancy tests during the week after this transfer. I thought it would make hearing “no” easier if I was prepared for it because I had been testing negative all week, but I learned from the last cycle that it didn’t make it easier, it just made me more stressed out and depressed during the week because I kept hearing “no” over and over again. So this time I decided not to take any tests.
My blood test came on Black Friday. No, I’m not a crazy Black Friday shopper, but I really wanted to try and keep my mind distracted, so that morning, my mom went up with me and we brought Tessa with us. I ran in, did my blood work, and the three of us went off shopping. I tried to enjoy my day, but it was hard, my mind was totally somewhere else. I jumped every time someone’s cell phone around me would ring. It wasn’t working, so we went home. The phone call came that afternoon, it was words I had heard before, “I’m sorry sweetie, it’s not good news.”
My heart dropped and once again, it felt like my world was crashing around me. How could this keep happening to me? I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t focus. Why? It’s not like I’m asking to win the lottery here, I want a baby. Something that it seems like every other person I know gets to have with no trouble at all. Why not me? I didn’t think I could handle this. I’m maxed out. I have nothing left. All the old questions come racing back. Does God care about me? Why is He putting me through all this pain? Why do I have to go through this? Why won’t it work? That weekend is a bit of a blur to me now. I remember my parents came over that night and brought us carry-outs from Chili’s because I couldn’t get off the couch to fix any dinner and I certainly wasn’t in any sort of condition to go out. I don’t think I slept much that night. I spent most of it laying in bed crying. I was angry and disappointed because it had failed again, and so sad for my babies. I was missing them fiercely. They were with Jesus now. His loving arms were surrounding them instead of being nestled inside of me. I know His arms were around me too, although I fought it that night because I was so angry and hurt, He still loved me enough to comfort me.
The next morning, my mom came and picked me up and took me shopping. I had needed some new winter clothes, but had put it off because it seemed silly to buy winter clothes when I was soon going to be pregnant and not able to wear them. Now here I was, not pregnant and in need of clothes. My mom knew there was nothing she could say to make me feel better, but she did what she could to try and cheer me up and take my mind off things. It didn’t make the hurt go away, and more than a few tears slipped from my eyes while in the stores, but she helped me in the best way she could. As a mother myself, I know that nothing hurts more than when your child is hurting. I knew the pain I was in, what I wasn’t numb to, at least, and I can only imagine how watching me have to go through this time and time again would cause her so much hurt and pain too. She was always strong for me.
I remember the next day, I went to church. I was supposed to do nursery that day, but I couldn’t. They found me a replacement. I wasn’t sure if I would even go to church, but I felt like I needed to. I was hurt and angry, but I knew I needed to be in church. I put Tessa in Sunday school and wen to service alone. David was leading worship, so it was just me. I sat in the back row, in the last seat. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to sneak by without being noticed. I will never forget, a close friend of mine came in with her family. Her family was in visiting from out of state, and she didn’t see them very often at all. She turned around and saw that I was here. She left her seat, and came back by me. I figured she was going to give me a hug and head back to her family, but she came in, hugged me, and said that she just wanted to be with me, she didn’t want me to be alone. She wanted me to know she cared. I think I cried through the rest of the service. I couldn’t believe she cared enough to leave her family who she never sees to just sit with me, so I wouldn’t be alone. My friends are the greatest.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 5
We decided to start up our next cycle on July 31st, about six weeks after we returned home from Florida. I had a really hard time when this next cycle started. The medicines had a much stronger effect on me than I remembered them having that last cycle, of course, I was on a little different medications because of the timing of the last cycle. I really alienated myself for a while. I had some of my closest friends invite me to come to play dates with them and their little ones, and I couldn’t go. I tried to explain, but it was hard. It’s hard for someone to understand what you’re going through when it’s something to major and so personal at the same time, when they have no experience with it. I kinda holed up in my house for a few weeks. I had my IVF friend who was going through another cycle at the same time, and she and I kept in regular contact. She understood me well because she was taking the same medicines, just days apart from me. We figured we would end up with transfers about a week apart. I did find that I separated myself from others. I didn’t go back to school in the fall, I was so thrilled to get to stay home full time with my Tessa. This meant I was doing a cycle without having to race in for appointments before school and having those kind of restrictions. I figured this one would be low stress and should give us good results. I also decided that I was going to take the pregnancy tests at home again like I did before. Worked well for me last time, so why not?
We had our transfer on September 1st. I can remember laying on the table and having tears come to my eyes the moment my doctor said they had been placed because in that instant I was praying with everything I had within me, just like I had the last two times. When I knew the very second that my babies were inside of me, I had no thoughts in my mind except to pray for them. I prayed that they would find the right place to get comfy and cozy and grow for the next 9 months. After the transfers, they always have you lay and rest in the recovery room for about a half hour. Someone had told me before that it was good to laugh after a transfer, that it’s supposed to help. Who knows? But it’s worth a shot, right? So we pulled out my iphone and opened up Netflix and started watching an episode of The Office. Nothing like Steve Carell to lighten the mood. Then, the whole way home, I clutched my ultrasound picture of my little bubbles like it was gold. It was gold, to me. David took a couple days off work to help me out at home with Tessa, so I could take it easy and rest.
I took a test Friday morning, negative. Saturday morning, negative, as I knew it should be. That night we had the wedding of a friend to attend, and that was a nice distraction. Sunday morning, I was hoping for a positive, but still negative. Monday morning, I was really praying for it to change, but no. By Tuesday, I felt like it had to be, this was the day that it had turned positive the last cycle, but when it showed up “not pregnant” my heart dropped. I was started to get more and more discouraged by the day. I had one pregnancy test left, and I decided to use it up on Wednesday. I had been reading on all these message boards that so many people didn’t see positives until after their office blood tests, so I’m feeling like there is still hope. The “not pregnant” I saw on Wednesday morning kinda felt like the final nail in the coffin. I didn’t have any more tests, and I really didn’t want to buy any more. I didn’t want to see that message again. Friday morning was my blood test at the doctor’s office, and while a sliver of me was hopeful, the realist in me was not. After they drew the blood, I talked to the nurse. I explained I’d been taking tests all week, the last one was Wednesday and it was still negative and asked if I was likely to see a negative result today? Somberly, she nodded. She said that once in a while a positive will sneak through but the home tests are pretty accurate. The call came later that afternoon and she told me that the blood test confirmed what the home tests had told me, and that it was negative but the good news was that we still had 4 embryos frozen. Yes, I guess that was good news. It certainly wasn’t the good news I was hoping to hear.
Once again, the cycle repeats and I’m back in that dark, depressed place. It’s certainly not where I wanted to be, I would have loved to be able to let it roll off my back and not get to me, but I don’t know who could do that. There was so much that I didn’t understand. I would go through this with every cycle. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t working. It had been so easy with Tessa, but why the struggle now? I remember that Saturday morning, I was expecting a friend to come over. I had told her the day before about the cycle, she was waiting for the results, and she asked if she could just come over and sit with me. I didn’t do anything with myself, she’s an old friend, 1 of the 4 of us that are a close knit group, she wouldn’t care if I looked like garbage. The doorbell rang, and when I opened it, I found her, and was surprised that the other two that make up our group of four were standing at my door on a Saturday morning (left their own kids at home with their dads) and had in hand flowers, a card, a breakfast Danish, and a bag of Rolos. I stood there and cried as each one hugged me without saying many words, because there wasn’t much to say. They stayed and visited a few hours, and it meant so much me.
Amazingly, I managed to get myself to church the next day, even though I didn’t want to go. I think I cried through pretty much the whole service. It was a constant inner struggle with me because I wanted to be angry at God for making us go through this, but my heart knew that He was in control. There have been many days where my brain and my heart were telling me two different things. Then I would start to get afraid. I was afraid that if I let myself wander into being angry at God that surely He would punish me for that and never let me have another baby. I know that’s not how our God works, I knew that then, and I know that now, but it’s just another one of those struggles that I was facing on a daily basis. It was around this time that I got hooked on another song. Several songs from a particular cd in fact, but one this one spoke to me in particular during this struggle where I felt so lost that I didn’t know if I would ever find my way out. It is called Faithful God and is by Gateway Worship. David burned the cd for me, and like I did with Desert Song, I have listened to this cd pretty much nonstop since he gave it to me (with the exception of my break for Christmas music). It goes like this:
If I call will you come
When I cry, do you hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until you come
Cast my cares into your arms
I can’t see past this storm
But I’m counting on a faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I believe that you still heal
And demons still bow
I’m convinced that there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise til you appear
Step your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure
Even just writing those lyrics now brings me to tears. My God is a faithful God. The first verse is what speaks to me the most. It feels like the tears that I have cried over the last year could fill an ocean, but I know that my God knows. He knows every tear I have cried. And the last line of that verse is my life. I can’t see past this storm, but I’m trusting in a faithful God. Right now I’m in the middle of all this and I can’t see how I’m going to get past it or how I’m going to make it through. I take it one day at a time, and often one hour or one minute at a time, but God knows. He sees where I started and He knows where I’ll be ending. It makes me want to just close my eyes, reach out for His hand and let him walk me through. I have said numerous times throughout all these cycles that I wish I could just close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up when it’s all over, good result or bad result. There is so much stress and so much anxiety and fear when I’m going through this that I just want to skip it all. And while I know I can’t do that, I also know that I can take His hand and he can walk me through any storm. He spoke words and calmed the sea and I know I can trust in what He has promised me.
Several times over the last year, I have heard this old song on the radio (I don’t listen to the radio much, but it seems to play whenever I turn it on). I don’t know who it’s by or the rest of the lyrics, but the chorus goes:
Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whisper, “peace be still”
He can settle any sea, but it doesn’t mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the winds and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
Again, another beautiful way of describing how I feel on a day to day basis. This is one of those times where He’s letting the winds and waves go wild, but all the more, He holds me close and takes care of me.
We had our transfer on September 1st. I can remember laying on the table and having tears come to my eyes the moment my doctor said they had been placed because in that instant I was praying with everything I had within me, just like I had the last two times. When I knew the very second that my babies were inside of me, I had no thoughts in my mind except to pray for them. I prayed that they would find the right place to get comfy and cozy and grow for the next 9 months. After the transfers, they always have you lay and rest in the recovery room for about a half hour. Someone had told me before that it was good to laugh after a transfer, that it’s supposed to help. Who knows? But it’s worth a shot, right? So we pulled out my iphone and opened up Netflix and started watching an episode of The Office. Nothing like Steve Carell to lighten the mood. Then, the whole way home, I clutched my ultrasound picture of my little bubbles like it was gold. It was gold, to me. David took a couple days off work to help me out at home with Tessa, so I could take it easy and rest.
I took a test Friday morning, negative. Saturday morning, negative, as I knew it should be. That night we had the wedding of a friend to attend, and that was a nice distraction. Sunday morning, I was hoping for a positive, but still negative. Monday morning, I was really praying for it to change, but no. By Tuesday, I felt like it had to be, this was the day that it had turned positive the last cycle, but when it showed up “not pregnant” my heart dropped. I was started to get more and more discouraged by the day. I had one pregnancy test left, and I decided to use it up on Wednesday. I had been reading on all these message boards that so many people didn’t see positives until after their office blood tests, so I’m feeling like there is still hope. The “not pregnant” I saw on Wednesday morning kinda felt like the final nail in the coffin. I didn’t have any more tests, and I really didn’t want to buy any more. I didn’t want to see that message again. Friday morning was my blood test at the doctor’s office, and while a sliver of me was hopeful, the realist in me was not. After they drew the blood, I talked to the nurse. I explained I’d been taking tests all week, the last one was Wednesday and it was still negative and asked if I was likely to see a negative result today? Somberly, she nodded. She said that once in a while a positive will sneak through but the home tests are pretty accurate. The call came later that afternoon and she told me that the blood test confirmed what the home tests had told me, and that it was negative but the good news was that we still had 4 embryos frozen. Yes, I guess that was good news. It certainly wasn’t the good news I was hoping to hear.
Once again, the cycle repeats and I’m back in that dark, depressed place. It’s certainly not where I wanted to be, I would have loved to be able to let it roll off my back and not get to me, but I don’t know who could do that. There was so much that I didn’t understand. I would go through this with every cycle. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t working. It had been so easy with Tessa, but why the struggle now? I remember that Saturday morning, I was expecting a friend to come over. I had told her the day before about the cycle, she was waiting for the results, and she asked if she could just come over and sit with me. I didn’t do anything with myself, she’s an old friend, 1 of the 4 of us that are a close knit group, she wouldn’t care if I looked like garbage. The doorbell rang, and when I opened it, I found her, and was surprised that the other two that make up our group of four were standing at my door on a Saturday morning (left their own kids at home with their dads) and had in hand flowers, a card, a breakfast Danish, and a bag of Rolos. I stood there and cried as each one hugged me without saying many words, because there wasn’t much to say. They stayed and visited a few hours, and it meant so much me.
Amazingly, I managed to get myself to church the next day, even though I didn’t want to go. I think I cried through pretty much the whole service. It was a constant inner struggle with me because I wanted to be angry at God for making us go through this, but my heart knew that He was in control. There have been many days where my brain and my heart were telling me two different things. Then I would start to get afraid. I was afraid that if I let myself wander into being angry at God that surely He would punish me for that and never let me have another baby. I know that’s not how our God works, I knew that then, and I know that now, but it’s just another one of those struggles that I was facing on a daily basis. It was around this time that I got hooked on another song. Several songs from a particular cd in fact, but one this one spoke to me in particular during this struggle where I felt so lost that I didn’t know if I would ever find my way out. It is called Faithful God and is by Gateway Worship. David burned the cd for me, and like I did with Desert Song, I have listened to this cd pretty much nonstop since he gave it to me (with the exception of my break for Christmas music). It goes like this:
If I call will you come
When I cry, do you hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until you come
Cast my cares into your arms
I can’t see past this storm
But I’m counting on a faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I believe that you still heal
And demons still bow
I’m convinced that there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise til you appear
Step your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure
Even just writing those lyrics now brings me to tears. My God is a faithful God. The first verse is what speaks to me the most. It feels like the tears that I have cried over the last year could fill an ocean, but I know that my God knows. He knows every tear I have cried. And the last line of that verse is my life. I can’t see past this storm, but I’m trusting in a faithful God. Right now I’m in the middle of all this and I can’t see how I’m going to get past it or how I’m going to make it through. I take it one day at a time, and often one hour or one minute at a time, but God knows. He sees where I started and He knows where I’ll be ending. It makes me want to just close my eyes, reach out for His hand and let him walk me through. I have said numerous times throughout all these cycles that I wish I could just close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up when it’s all over, good result or bad result. There is so much stress and so much anxiety and fear when I’m going through this that I just want to skip it all. And while I know I can’t do that, I also know that I can take His hand and he can walk me through any storm. He spoke words and calmed the sea and I know I can trust in what He has promised me.
Several times over the last year, I have heard this old song on the radio (I don’t listen to the radio much, but it seems to play whenever I turn it on). I don’t know who it’s by or the rest of the lyrics, but the chorus goes:
Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whisper, “peace be still”
He can settle any sea, but it doesn’t mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the winds and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
Again, another beautiful way of describing how I feel on a day to day basis. This is one of those times where He’s letting the winds and waves go wild, but all the more, He holds me close and takes care of me.
Friday, February 24, 2012
A Story of Miracles, Loss, Heartache & Hope: Our Journey through IVF - Part 4
I was left in a place that was so empty, I had nowhere else to turn except to the Lord. I’ll admit, it wasn’t always as easy as it sounds. As much as I knew I needed to just keep praising the Lord through it all, I was angry. That week, during our chapel service at school, one of the pastors played a worship song that I had sung so many times before, but it had such a new meaning to me that day.
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your name
I knew that His name had to be blessed. Without Him, what chance would I stand? Even now when I hear that bridge, “You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name,” it brings me to tears. We want to praise for when He gives, but are angry when He takes away. We forget that it’s all in His hands, the good and the bad. I have to consciously choose to bless His name through the trials. It’s not what comes naturally, but my praise comes from the heart. I was so frustrated, so hurt, and so angry. I just couldn’t understand why the Lord would allow me to walk through this. I can remember thinking something similar when we had to go through the IVM the first time, and when you’re walking through it, it’s near impossible to see the big picture, in the end, I knew it was the best path for us because it brought us Tessa, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But here I was again, in the midst of the fog, where I couldn’t figure out my next step, let alone the journey I was supposed to be on. What do I next? Where do I go? Why am I going through this? I had so many questions for God. All I could do was say the words with my mouth and hope that if I said them enough times, that my heart would follow, and it did, eventually. It wasn’t easy though. So many people would come up to me and tell me, “it’s okay, the Lord has a plan, it’s all in His control.” I know that. I know that. I know that. That’s what I had to tell myself over and over again. When my brain spoke it enough times, my heart started to believe it.
We want so badly for our lives to be laid out like a game of Candy Land, so we can see what’s coming up next on the path, but it doesn’t work like that. His plan is the best one, even when we don’t see it or understand it, and it took me a long time to get to that place. All throughout this process I have been so inspired and lifted up by music. There was a cd that David introduced me to at the beginning of this first FET, and I found a song on it that I listened to nonstop from the beginning of March until about the middle of May. And I mean, when I was in the car, this song was on repeat. David was going crazy listening to it, but it so spoke to me and encouraged me and it was the breath of life from the Lord that I needed. Even after we lost the baby, I kept listening to it. It is called Desert Song by Hillsong United, and it goes like this:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow
This song had spoken to me throughout all stages of what I had walked through up to this point. Each verse felt like I different time of my life. My desert time felt like the time before we started all this up again. I wanted another child so badly, but then starting to feel that hurt and disappointment at knowing it’s not something that could happen on our own. My time in the fire was definitely after my failed cycles. That was my time of weakness, trial and pain. But yes, I have a faith that is more worth than gold, and this was my time for the Lord to refine me into what He wanted me to be. Change is often painful when the Lord is molding us into what He wants us to be. My battle time prayer was how I felt going through each cycle. This was when I was starting to feel hopeful and feeling like my triumph was still coming. I have had several people tell me through the Lord speaking through them that we are going to be able to have another child, I’m not sure in what fashion, but somehow, and that is the promise that I have been standing on. Of course I felt like my harvest prayer was after we got our positive test. The promise had been fulfilled and I could feel His favor pouring out on us. For whatever reason, He chose to take that baby home to be with Him, so it brings me back to a desert place. The bridge is maybe my favorite part of that whole song. All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship. No matter what happens with me and my family and the things that go on in our lives, He is still God, and I have every reason to worship. While this is the trial we are walking through, there are a million other things that He has spared us from, and because of that and because of His love and redemption for us, I have every reason to worship. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but I do it, because He wants to be praised, in everything.
The healing process from that miscarriage took me a while. I found myself in a real depressed place. With time, and much prayer, God helped me out of it. We decided to take some time off before we tried again. I felt like I really needed a break from the shots and pills and blood draws and ultrasounds. I needed to get my life back for a while. We celebrated Tessa’s 2nd birthday with a Minnie Mouse party at the end of May. I really do up her birthdays. I love celebrating the day my life was blessed with the best miracle we have ever experienced. Then in June we took one of our best vacations ever! We went with my parents and my sister and her husband and boys to Walt Disney World for a week. What a fun trip! It was great to just get away from the stress that I faced at home with all that we had been through and spend some time with our family relaxing and having fun. It was a great way to clear my head. We knew that we would want to start things up again sometime shortly after vacation, but I really wanted to give myself time to heal. We had been through so much. While we were on vacation, I started feeling like I was in a repeat of where we had been 3 years ago. We took a family vacation to Destin, FL the month before we cycled and it was a great way to relax and prepare for what my body would be undergoing. So like the last vacation, I bought some little clothes for my baby-to-be at Disney World. I couldn’t find anything gender neutral, so I bought a little pink Minnie onesie and a red Mickey onesie. I was so hopeful every time I looked at them.
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your name
I knew that His name had to be blessed. Without Him, what chance would I stand? Even now when I hear that bridge, “You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name,” it brings me to tears. We want to praise for when He gives, but are angry when He takes away. We forget that it’s all in His hands, the good and the bad. I have to consciously choose to bless His name through the trials. It’s not what comes naturally, but my praise comes from the heart. I was so frustrated, so hurt, and so angry. I just couldn’t understand why the Lord would allow me to walk through this. I can remember thinking something similar when we had to go through the IVM the first time, and when you’re walking through it, it’s near impossible to see the big picture, in the end, I knew it was the best path for us because it brought us Tessa, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But here I was again, in the midst of the fog, where I couldn’t figure out my next step, let alone the journey I was supposed to be on. What do I next? Where do I go? Why am I going through this? I had so many questions for God. All I could do was say the words with my mouth and hope that if I said them enough times, that my heart would follow, and it did, eventually. It wasn’t easy though. So many people would come up to me and tell me, “it’s okay, the Lord has a plan, it’s all in His control.” I know that. I know that. I know that. That’s what I had to tell myself over and over again. When my brain spoke it enough times, my heart started to believe it.
We want so badly for our lives to be laid out like a game of Candy Land, so we can see what’s coming up next on the path, but it doesn’t work like that. His plan is the best one, even when we don’t see it or understand it, and it took me a long time to get to that place. All throughout this process I have been so inspired and lifted up by music. There was a cd that David introduced me to at the beginning of this first FET, and I found a song on it that I listened to nonstop from the beginning of March until about the middle of May. And I mean, when I was in the car, this song was on repeat. David was going crazy listening to it, but it so spoke to me and encouraged me and it was the breath of life from the Lord that I needed. Even after we lost the baby, I kept listening to it. It is called Desert Song by Hillsong United, and it goes like this:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow
This song had spoken to me throughout all stages of what I had walked through up to this point. Each verse felt like I different time of my life. My desert time felt like the time before we started all this up again. I wanted another child so badly, but then starting to feel that hurt and disappointment at knowing it’s not something that could happen on our own. My time in the fire was definitely after my failed cycles. That was my time of weakness, trial and pain. But yes, I have a faith that is more worth than gold, and this was my time for the Lord to refine me into what He wanted me to be. Change is often painful when the Lord is molding us into what He wants us to be. My battle time prayer was how I felt going through each cycle. This was when I was starting to feel hopeful and feeling like my triumph was still coming. I have had several people tell me through the Lord speaking through them that we are going to be able to have another child, I’m not sure in what fashion, but somehow, and that is the promise that I have been standing on. Of course I felt like my harvest prayer was after we got our positive test. The promise had been fulfilled and I could feel His favor pouring out on us. For whatever reason, He chose to take that baby home to be with Him, so it brings me back to a desert place. The bridge is maybe my favorite part of that whole song. All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship. No matter what happens with me and my family and the things that go on in our lives, He is still God, and I have every reason to worship. While this is the trial we are walking through, there are a million other things that He has spared us from, and because of that and because of His love and redemption for us, I have every reason to worship. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but I do it, because He wants to be praised, in everything.
The healing process from that miscarriage took me a while. I found myself in a real depressed place. With time, and much prayer, God helped me out of it. We decided to take some time off before we tried again. I felt like I really needed a break from the shots and pills and blood draws and ultrasounds. I needed to get my life back for a while. We celebrated Tessa’s 2nd birthday with a Minnie Mouse party at the end of May. I really do up her birthdays. I love celebrating the day my life was blessed with the best miracle we have ever experienced. Then in June we took one of our best vacations ever! We went with my parents and my sister and her husband and boys to Walt Disney World for a week. What a fun trip! It was great to just get away from the stress that I faced at home with all that we had been through and spend some time with our family relaxing and having fun. It was a great way to clear my head. We knew that we would want to start things up again sometime shortly after vacation, but I really wanted to give myself time to heal. We had been through so much. While we were on vacation, I started feeling like I was in a repeat of where we had been 3 years ago. We took a family vacation to Destin, FL the month before we cycled and it was a great way to relax and prepare for what my body would be undergoing. So like the last vacation, I bought some little clothes for my baby-to-be at Disney World. I couldn’t find anything gender neutral, so I bought a little pink Minnie onesie and a red Mickey onesie. I was so hopeful every time I looked at them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)