Trusting in God's Perfect Timing

I guess I've been kinda making it a habit to update after my doctor's appointment, so why break the trend now? I had another visit this morning to do blood work and ultrasound. Tessa got to go with me again, and boy does she ever wow the crowd. They all love her, and she so loves the limelight. Instead of sitting quietly and playing with the toy she brought back from the waiting room which I got my blood drawn, she insisted on pulling up her chair and sitting right next to me. She kept asking, "what doing Mommy?" I would say, "oh, just gotta give a little blood." "Oh, you feel all better, Mommy?" She associates any needle going in my arm or stomach with feeling better. Yes, Tessa, I do feel better, especially when it's all done. Anyway, everything looked good. My lining was at 7.2, and they look for it to be 7 or better, and we would just have to wait to see the estrogen levels with the blood test results, which would come later in the afternoon.

My doctor's office has this handy little online Patient Portal. I really love it, I can log in, view test results, view my flowsheets (which give me dates, medications, ultrasound readings, etc. during my cycles), e-mail my doctor, all sorts of handy things. I especially like it because it keeps track of all the cycles we have done, going back to the one with Tessa. So I have my IVM cycle with Tessa, the IVF that we did last year, then now 4 FET cycles. It's nice because the information is there and I can go back and compare especially among these last FET cycles. I saw that my estrogen levels were posted on my portal before I heard from the nurse, so I went back to compare them to previous cycles. My lining was comparable to other cycles, even better than some, but my estrogen levels were lower than what they had been in previous cycles at this same point in the cycle, which I thought was odd. Then the nurse called me, she is relatively new to the practice, she doesn't know me quite like the other nurses do. I found it kinda funny when she was explaining my test results to me and telling me that doctor wants to increase my estrace tablets to continue to get my lining thicker, and that's when I jumped in and said, "to 3 and 3, right?" (3 tablets in the morning, 3 at night). She seemed surprised and said, "oh! That's right!" I kinda chuckled and said, "this is our 4th FET in the last year, I'm kinda an old pro at this." Anyway, she told me that doctor wanted me to come back next Tuesday for another round of blood work and ultrasound.

I was surprised by that, because I knew that meant that my transfer would be pushed back. I was fine with either date, but just surprised because the last two cycles my numbers have been similar and we would have transfered the following week. The nurse said my lining and estrogen were good, but didn't give any explanation as to why he was pushing it back another week. I'm at the point in this where I have nothing left to lose, and I'm doing my very best not to stress out and I know that if he wants to keep me on the meds (and consequently the shots) for another week, then it must be for a good reason. That's when I got to thinking about something. The one FET cycle that we have had in the last year that did work (ended in miscarriage, but still, I got pregnant) was the one that was this time last year. I remember being so psyched up for the transfer, then the Saturday before, when they called me with my results from the blood work and ultrasound, the nurse kindly told me that doctor was going to be on vacation next week and that my transfer would have to be pushed back to the following Thursday. At the time, I was devasted. I was very physically and emotionally ready for the transfer and changing the plan on me at the last minute was a little more than I could handle. Now, I am in no way saying that being on the meds an extra week was the reason it worked, because if it really increased your chances that much, I'm sure he would do that for everyone. But still, in my mind, it was the one major thing that was different about that cycle compared to the other ones. All eventually ended with a broken heart, but at least that one we had success, if only for a few short weeks.

I'm not saying that because we are pushing this transfer back that it's for sure going to work, I wish I could. I wish I knew that. I don't, but I do know that God's timing is perfect. While this timing seems a little off to me, I really had almost the same blood and ultrasound results as I have had at the same point in the last two cycles, but for some reason, this time, my doctor wants me to wait one more week. I'm okay with it, really okay with it. Usually, I don't handle deviations from the plan very well, but I feel good about this. I'm hopeful. Like I said, God's timing is the perfect timing, maybe He's just taking a minute to test my flexibility. :) Take all the time you want, God, I'll just be here, waiting.

Waiting...and hoping. I was talking with a friend today who is going through a shockingly similar situation and she and I were kinda going back and forth about being hopeful but yet guarding our hearts. After living through disappointment after disappointment throughout the last 16 months, my natural response is to put up big thick walls around my heart and to just assume that this last cycle won't work because the other ones didn't work either. I'm so tired of being heartbroken through this process that I want to be numb to it all, protect my heart and not let it hurt me. I want to not let myself be hopeful because I'm just going to get hurt all over again. However...after really looking back on the last year, as much as each time we did this, I tried to guard my heart from being broken, it still broke into a million pieces every time I would hear, "sorry, sweetie, it's not good news." Whether I let myself get my hopes up or not, my heart was still broken. So I'm trying this time to just be hopeful. My heart's going to be smashed if it doesn't work whether I'm hopeful or not, so I'm chosing to be hopeful. I'm chosing to be hopeful for my friend too, as my heart breaks into a million pieces for her too when things don't work out. I have realized that it's too much work to try to block my heart from getting hurt, it gets hurts no matter what, so I'm letting that go and just...hoping. Hoping for our miracle(s). :)

Please continue to pray for us. The anxieties of this cycle come back to bite me at the hardest times. Pray for peace, pray that the awfulness that I feel from these medications will wear off, pray for my friend (who I love dearly and has been incredible to me and for me), pray for our babies, pray for success. Thank you to all of you who have been praying. You mean the world to me!