It's no secret, 2012 wasn't the best year for the Lee family, let's face it, 2011 wasn't any easier. It's been two years now since we started our process to add another new life to our family. It was the second week of January in 2011 that I started with our IVF cycle. I can honestly say that back then, even in my wildest thoughts, I absolutely NEVER would have imagined the path that the last two years has led us down. Two year ago, I was nervous doing this IVF cycle because I was overreacting to the medications and was hyperstimulating and producing too many follicles. My fears were so much more realistic that I was afraid we would end up having far more kids that I had in mind (or we could afford). I just never would have dreamed that two years later, I'd be in the same position that I was then. The thought never once crossed my mind.
None the less, it's been about 9 months since we lost our last two little babes, and while it has been a long healing process, I feel like I can safely say that I am in a much better place than I was. It has taken a lot of time and a whole lot of prayer, but I feel like I am past the cloud of fog that I was living in. I'm enjoying every part of my life again and I am a much happier person. God has truly done a miraculous work in my heart, my mind and my family. While we still don't know exactly what steps we are going to take and when, I feel that I have a renewed hope that God will be faithful to bring our family into the best place that we could ever imagine. And for now, that's enough for me. There's a new song that David introduced to our church family a couple weeks ago, and the simple words are a constant reminder to me.
God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do
I will love you Lord my strength
I will love you Lord my shield
I will love you Lord my rock, forever
all my days, I will love you God
It's that first line that gets to me every time, it almost takes my breath away. "God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed". For anyone who knows me really well, you know that's a challenge for me. I always try to take on more than I need to, often more than I can, and it does totally overwhelm me. This song just speaks to me, it's my reminder that I can look to God, I can count on Him, and I don't have to be overwhelmed. I don't have to take on all these burdens myself. So as I look at our family and am loving every minute that we are wonderful little family of 3, I don't feel the need to worry about what's the next step and when to take it, because I know God has it all under control. I just need to keep my eyes on Him, and He takes care of it.
2013 is going to be great year for our family, I am certain of it. It's been a long couple of years, and the stress of it all has definitely taken it's toll on our family. David and I really sat down and talked and decided that we really wanted to make some major changes in our lives for this year. I always say this, I don't believe in New Year's resolution's, I never have. In my mind, I have failed at every New Year's resolution I have ever made, so I don't make them anymore, it feels like setting myself up for failure. We did, however, decide hat we needed to make some changes, all for the better.
Over the last couple of years, I have been slowly putting on some extra weight, and even during the times when David has been really motivated to be healthy and lose weight, I have had absolutely no desire. Throughout all that we were dealing with, my weight was the last thing on my mind. I didn't gain a ton, I'm not gonna qualify for The Biggest Loser anytime soon, but I just didn't feel as good about myself. So he and I decided we were going to join up with Weight Watchers again (which is how David dropped his big 140 pound weight loss the first time a few years ago). So we both signed up for the online version where we can track points and whatnot on our iphones, and it has been going so well! We've been at it for 3.5 weeks and I am down almost 9 pounds and David is down somwhere around 18 or 19. It's been incredible for us. We both just feel so much better. I feel like we are making healthier choices and setting a better example of health for our daughter. She is only going to learn by example and I feel so proud of the example that we are setting for her right now. In doing this together, we are able to encourage each other and keep each other accountible and motivated.
Another change that we have made in bringing our family together closer is to spend more time at home. I'm home quite a bit since I co-run my own business with my sister, but I used to go over to her house at least two nights a week and we would work all hours of the night making shirts and getting orders out, and I felt like I never saw my family. Because then on the nights I was home, David was usually gone because he has church commitments on Wednesday nights and takes classes at the community college for work, so we were seeing so little of each. It was kind of unintentional, more brought on by the fact that my sister's whole house got sick after Christmas and I didn't want to be over there and get sick myself or bring germs home to Tessa, but I decided to bring one of the embroidery machines to my house to make shirts here, on my own time. My sister and I are discovering that this is working out really well. Hats are slow this time of year, and don't really pick up again busy until fall, and now that I have a machine here and can work on my own time, we are keeping more ahead of orders than we did before, AND I get to spend my evenings home with my family. David is still taking a class, but it's one night a week, and that's girls night for Tessa and I.
We also committed to only having one night a month out to dinner as a family. We used to eat out a lot and this has been awesome. Yes, we still go out with his parents or my parents, but as for just the three of us eating out, we decided it's going to be once a month. It helps us so much! For one, we are home as a family so much more, not out running around and doing errands and spending so much time in the car. Two, it's helpful for us with doing our Weight Watchers...yes, you can eat within points when you go out, and we do, but for the most part, I can get a lot more food for my points when I fix it myself. And three, it is saving us SO much money! What a huge stress reliever to have a less money draining from our bank account when we are trying really hard to be more financially aware and smarter with how we spend and save our money.
I can also say that through these things that we are making a choice to do, I have seen such a difference in Tessa. She's always been a sweet, kind and loving girl, but she has a very strong will. (It's the strong-willed kids that rule the world, right?) We have seen such a difference in her over the last few months, and especially the last few weeks. Our home is happier, for the most part, less stressed, and she has more time to spend with both of her parents and we both have been more consistent with her and making an effort to pay more attention to little details overlooked before. When she spends all her time with just one parent, then the other (because one of us was gone), she goes by the rules of whichever parent was home. But when we're both here, there's a more regular set of rules and expectations. I see a 3 year old who sits at the dinner table to eat her meal then clears her plate afterwards. Her short temper is getting much "longer" as she is better at asking for help rather than just getting frustrated and upset. She's more polite and more aware of other people's feelings. She's quick to apologize and ask forgiveness. She obeys. I realize some of this comes with maturity and would have happened anyway, but over the last few months, I have seen a remarkable change in her. I have a hard time not drawing a connection between the fact that she's happier and thriving more because I am more like myself again. My mom told me the other day, "You're like a different person, you don't know how bad you really were when you were in the middle of it all." Our long battle with the fertility treatments took a toll on me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But when I was in the middle of it all, I wasn't able to see the effect that it was having on those around me that I love the most.
Last night was our dinner out, and we didn't even have to pay for it all because we had a gift card given to us from when David sang in my cousin's wedding last month. And it was at dinner that we sat there, and said how proud we were of ourselves for how our family has benefitted because of the changes we've made, even in such a short time.
This year is going to be a great one because we are taking control of what we can take control of, and putting everything else in God's hands. We are going to be a healthier family, we are going to be more responsible with our finances and we are going to be a happier family because we are prioritizing our familiy more than ever before. When you think of us, keep us in your prayers. It still breaks my heart every night when Tessa prays for a baby brother or a baby sister (or once in a while 2 babies!). It was only last night at dinner that Tessa saw a baby at the table next to us and announces loud and proud, "Hey, there's a baby! I want a baby brother!" My response to her was, "Keep praying, baby girl." We would still love more than anything to add a new baby to our family. Pray for us that we'll get a clear leading from God about when and where and what and that we'll be able to save up the money that we need to do it...or better yet, that we might just get the surprise of our lives with a miracle baby! Keep us in your prayers as we continue down this path.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Continuing to be a Work in Progress
Wow, another month has passed since my last post. I guess I haven't been keeping with it quite as much as I had been originally. Also, I don't always have quite as much to say as I used to, so I guess that is part of it too. We have really been enjoying our summer. It's been hot, so hot, and so dry, Lord please send rain, but we have been having fun going to the pool and playing with friends and cousins and enjoying time with our family. I will admit, I think I'm ready for fall though. Usually by the middle of July when it's nothing but hot, hot, hot, I start getting the itch for fall and the cooler temps, wearing jeans and long sleeves, apple cider, campfires, the whole nine yards. We are looking forward to a fun mini-vacation to Michigan with the Lee side of the family in a few weeks. First time this side of the family has vacationed together in a long time, and first time for Tessa and I, so it should be loads of fun!
We have done a little redecorating in our house over the last couple weeks and have plans to do a lot more over the next several months. We decided to make Tessa's room a little more little girl like. She's been in a twin bed long enough now that I felt comfortable moving it out of the corner we jammed it into and put the head against the wall and let the rest stick out into the room. She got a new lamp and a new rug, and we moved her Tinkerbell table over into the corner so it's more useable for tea parties and set her dollhouse up so that she can play with it from the front and back. The biggest change we made was to her walls. When we put her in the big girl bed last fall, we bought all this cute pink, green and orange owl bedding. In September, when we got it all, I also found a big set of owl wall stickers/decals that were from the same line as her bedding. I have left them in her closet for almost a year and haven't used them. They are kinda a use once kind of thing, you can't really move them once you've stuck them on the wall, or they don't stick so well the next time. I kept thinking all along, we're going to end up pregnant from one of these cycles and Tessa's room will become the nursery again and we'll be moving her to the bigger bedroom so I didn't want to use the wall decals then not be able to have her use them when we move her to the other room. Well, since I am no longer placing all my bets on the idea of getting to have another baby, I decided it was time to use them. We made a big tree on her wall with owls and birds and leaves, and on the ground is little grass bunches and mushrooms and a squirrel and hedgehog. It looks soooo adorable! I'm so glad we did it. Almost every night, when we pray, she adds in to thank God for her tree, and her leaves, (she usually mentions the big leaves and the little leaves separately) and her owls, and her squirrel and her birds. It's so cute. She even had her Auntie pet her squirrel when she was here the other night. I can't believe I waited so long to do it. We also redid our downstairs powder room this weekend. I love it! I have hated the color we painted in there since the day we put it up 3 1/2 years ago, I just haven't known what I want in there. I've been thinking on it for a long time, and finally decided so David and I moved on it quickly (I think he was afraid I would change my mind) and redid it this weekend. We painted over the hideous reddish orangish mess with a slate gray and did buttery yellow accents. It looks awesome. I couldn't be more happy with it. We have a lot of other things we want to do with our house, change up our floors downstairs, either put wood floor down or a combo of wood floor and new carpet, plus I'd like to get new furniture for downstairs and change up the look of the living room/dining room. Also on my wish list is new bedroom furniture. What we have has lasted us a while, and we probably paid less than $50 for it all, but I have wanted a nice set of bedroom furniture for a long time. Of course, all these things take money and time for me to figure out exactly what I want then find what I'm looking for. But I am excited about some physical changes the Lee household has taken and will be taking over the next months.
As far as the baby process goes...we're still waiting. We're still thinking and praying and waiting for confirmation on the right direction to go. We are much closer to making a decision than we were a month ago, or even a week or two ago, but alas, still waiting and thinking and praying. For the most part, I'm doing much better. It's true, time does help to heal wounds. I wouldn't say time will heal all wounds, but it helps. It's still a challenge, and sometimes a daily challenge, but I'm working through it. I feel like I'm totally surrounded by newborn babies and pregnant women. I think I'm up to about 20 friends who are either pregnant or have a baby less than 3 months old. It's like an epidemic, and yet I'm somehow immune. A couple weeks ago, I finally went to visit my friend who had a new baby born in June. It was hard, really hard, but I'm thankful that I have amazing friends who are really understanding of my limits. I left there feeling really guilty because I really barely even got close to her baby. Just being there, and hearing him cry and talking with her while she nursed him, it just made my heart ache for newborn of my own. I miss that so much. I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have friends that are understanding, I am truly blessed.
I had a really hard moment yesterday. As I have said before, my sister is expecting. She's due in less than a month now. About a week ago, I really made the first mention of it to Tessa. I had been avoiding the topic with her mostly because she hadn't brought it up and I really was afraid of the questions that might come from it. But we're getting down to the wire now, so I figured I should talk to her about it a little. I said something to her about a week ago, nothing specific, and she didn't seem to have much to say about it. I think she maybe said somethig to my mom about Lissy having a baby in her tummy, but then the topic was dropped. Yesterday, I was working on a newborn pixie hat that my sister wanted for her new little guy to wear for his newborn pictures. Tessa came downstairs and asked what I was doing. I told her I was making a hat for Lissy's baby. She seemed a little confused, so I expanded. I said, "you know how Lissy has a really big tummy right now? That's because she has a baby inside her and I'm making this hat for Baby _______ (I'll leave the name out of here, as I'm not sure if they're sharing that yet :)." Her response was, "and I bring it to her (meaning the baby)." I said, "well, the baby is going to be a boy, and he's not here yet. He'll be here in a few weeks." She stood there and thought for a minute, then said, "Lissy have a baby in her BIG tummy, you have a little baby in your little tummy?" And.....confirmation as to why I was putting off this discussion with her. I had to tell her, "no, Tessa, I don't have a baby in my tummy." It just makes me sad for her sometimes, I know how badly she wants a brother or a sister, (in actuality, she wants a sister, when we pray at night, I pray for a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa, and she always interjects and says, "I want a baby sister") and it hurts me that I can't give that to her.
As much as I want another baby, which I desperately do, I'm also most definitely coming around to the idea of waving the white flag, calling it quits on the treatments and being a family of three. I'm thankful, so thankful, for friends and family members who are part of one child families who have been willing to share their thoughts and feelings with me about being a part of a one child family, either from the perspective of the parent or the child. It so nice to hear about people who feel that having only one child or being an only child is a huge blessing and how it benefitted their lives and that it can be a very fufilling life. Don't get me wrong, Tessa keeps me as busy as several children would, and if she is the only child we ever have, she will be MORE than enough. I think about the fact that she was only 19 months old when we first started all these infertility treatments again. And now she's 3 and on her way to being 3 1/2. She was still such a baby when all this started, and now she's a little girl. We have been able to do so many more things with her in the last few months as she is getting older and more mature and life no longer revolves around naptimes and I think...if we were to never have the blessing of getting another child, we have a whole new world of adventure opened to us in no longer having a baby in the family. All of these factors are weighing on our decision on which direction to take. David tells me that he thinks I'm finally in a good place in my crazy head because for the first time, we both feel like we no longer need another baby to complete our family, but that another baby would just be an extremely added blessing to our family which is already complete. We are happy as a family of three and my eyes have been opened to all the wonderful benefits of being a family of three which I was never able to see before because I was so blinded by my extreme need for another baby. If we decide to move forward with more treatments, we both feel like this is the best place to be in, a place where I'm good with where we are and feel complete with where we are, and would consider any other blessings that come along a huge bonus.
Unfortunately, I wish with this newfound contentedness with our situation, that the pain and sting of infertility would go away. It doesn't. Part of me is very afraid it will never go away. In the business that my sister and I run together, I deal with a lot of pregnant women. One of the most popular thing we sell is our sibling shirts, Big Sister, Big Brother, Little Sister, Little Brother, etc. So many people order shirts for a Big Sister or Brother as a way of sharing the news they're expecting or order with a Little sibling shirt to do pictures for the when the baby is born. It's always hard, but for the most part, I've developed a pretty hard shell to it because it is my business, my livilihood, and I don't have a choice. There have been a few especially hard ones that I have had to power through, like the lady a few months ago who convoed us wanting Big Sister shirts for her twins...in size 6 months. It's always hard for me when a Big Brother or Sister comes through in a small size realizing that some people, many people, really get to have their babies back to back (not that I would want that, by any means, having babies really close together in age is not what I would have chosen for myself). But wow, it just is a reminder that some people really have no trouble whatsoever getting pregnant. Then a week or two ago, we had a lady send us a convo asking how soon we could get a Big Sister shirt to her. Usually, that means one of two things (we get that kind of request often) 1) She just found out she's pregnant and wants to use the shirt to share the news or 2) She is really close to her due date and needs it asap before she has the new baby. Neither one of these was her situation. When I asked her what date she needed the shirt by, she told me that she didn't really have an exact date, she wasn't actually pregnant yet, but they're trying and she just knows it's going to happen right away. And she probably will get pregnant right away, and it will probably work exactly as she planned, because some people just seem to get to have everything they want, exactly when they want it and how they want it. Then there are others, and I am NOT just talking about myself, but so many others who struggle and fight for what they want who don't get things to come so easy. And I don't know this lady, maybe she has had a terrible life and having babies is the only thing that works easily for her, I have no idea, I just know, she unknowingly picked the wrong person to make that statement to. :)
I often think of the words that I heard so many times from one of my friends when she was going through fertility treatments in attempts to have a second child. They had several IUI cycles that failed one after the other. She often said that she doesn't understand why this isn't working and that she just wished that if God wasn't going to give her another child that He would take away her desire to have another child. At the time she was going through this, we hadn't even started our round of treatments for a second child, and after her three failed IUIs, I remember telling her, "I don't know how you keep going. I would never be able to do what you're doing." Lo and behold, we are stronger than we think we are. Five cycles later and ten babies lost, I'm still standing. Never imagined that I would be.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for us to come to a decision about what direction we want to go. Pray that we would be able to come up with the financial resources to pursue that direction. Pray for me, and David as well, as we are still learning how to deal with our situation. Every tiny baby I see, every pregnant belly...hurts. I wish it didn't, I'm hoping eventually it won't, pray that I get there.
We have done a little redecorating in our house over the last couple weeks and have plans to do a lot more over the next several months. We decided to make Tessa's room a little more little girl like. She's been in a twin bed long enough now that I felt comfortable moving it out of the corner we jammed it into and put the head against the wall and let the rest stick out into the room. She got a new lamp and a new rug, and we moved her Tinkerbell table over into the corner so it's more useable for tea parties and set her dollhouse up so that she can play with it from the front and back. The biggest change we made was to her walls. When we put her in the big girl bed last fall, we bought all this cute pink, green and orange owl bedding. In September, when we got it all, I also found a big set of owl wall stickers/decals that were from the same line as her bedding. I have left them in her closet for almost a year and haven't used them. They are kinda a use once kind of thing, you can't really move them once you've stuck them on the wall, or they don't stick so well the next time. I kept thinking all along, we're going to end up pregnant from one of these cycles and Tessa's room will become the nursery again and we'll be moving her to the bigger bedroom so I didn't want to use the wall decals then not be able to have her use them when we move her to the other room. Well, since I am no longer placing all my bets on the idea of getting to have another baby, I decided it was time to use them. We made a big tree on her wall with owls and birds and leaves, and on the ground is little grass bunches and mushrooms and a squirrel and hedgehog. It looks soooo adorable! I'm so glad we did it. Almost every night, when we pray, she adds in to thank God for her tree, and her leaves, (she usually mentions the big leaves and the little leaves separately) and her owls, and her squirrel and her birds. It's so cute. She even had her Auntie pet her squirrel when she was here the other night. I can't believe I waited so long to do it. We also redid our downstairs powder room this weekend. I love it! I have hated the color we painted in there since the day we put it up 3 1/2 years ago, I just haven't known what I want in there. I've been thinking on it for a long time, and finally decided so David and I moved on it quickly (I think he was afraid I would change my mind) and redid it this weekend. We painted over the hideous reddish orangish mess with a slate gray and did buttery yellow accents. It looks awesome. I couldn't be more happy with it. We have a lot of other things we want to do with our house, change up our floors downstairs, either put wood floor down or a combo of wood floor and new carpet, plus I'd like to get new furniture for downstairs and change up the look of the living room/dining room. Also on my wish list is new bedroom furniture. What we have has lasted us a while, and we probably paid less than $50 for it all, but I have wanted a nice set of bedroom furniture for a long time. Of course, all these things take money and time for me to figure out exactly what I want then find what I'm looking for. But I am excited about some physical changes the Lee household has taken and will be taking over the next months.
As far as the baby process goes...we're still waiting. We're still thinking and praying and waiting for confirmation on the right direction to go. We are much closer to making a decision than we were a month ago, or even a week or two ago, but alas, still waiting and thinking and praying. For the most part, I'm doing much better. It's true, time does help to heal wounds. I wouldn't say time will heal all wounds, but it helps. It's still a challenge, and sometimes a daily challenge, but I'm working through it. I feel like I'm totally surrounded by newborn babies and pregnant women. I think I'm up to about 20 friends who are either pregnant or have a baby less than 3 months old. It's like an epidemic, and yet I'm somehow immune. A couple weeks ago, I finally went to visit my friend who had a new baby born in June. It was hard, really hard, but I'm thankful that I have amazing friends who are really understanding of my limits. I left there feeling really guilty because I really barely even got close to her baby. Just being there, and hearing him cry and talking with her while she nursed him, it just made my heart ache for newborn of my own. I miss that so much. I cannot say enough how thankful I am to have friends that are understanding, I am truly blessed.
I had a really hard moment yesterday. As I have said before, my sister is expecting. She's due in less than a month now. About a week ago, I really made the first mention of it to Tessa. I had been avoiding the topic with her mostly because she hadn't brought it up and I really was afraid of the questions that might come from it. But we're getting down to the wire now, so I figured I should talk to her about it a little. I said something to her about a week ago, nothing specific, and she didn't seem to have much to say about it. I think she maybe said somethig to my mom about Lissy having a baby in her tummy, but then the topic was dropped. Yesterday, I was working on a newborn pixie hat that my sister wanted for her new little guy to wear for his newborn pictures. Tessa came downstairs and asked what I was doing. I told her I was making a hat for Lissy's baby. She seemed a little confused, so I expanded. I said, "you know how Lissy has a really big tummy right now? That's because she has a baby inside her and I'm making this hat for Baby _______ (I'll leave the name out of here, as I'm not sure if they're sharing that yet :)." Her response was, "and I bring it to her (meaning the baby)." I said, "well, the baby is going to be a boy, and he's not here yet. He'll be here in a few weeks." She stood there and thought for a minute, then said, "Lissy have a baby in her BIG tummy, you have a little baby in your little tummy?" And.....confirmation as to why I was putting off this discussion with her. I had to tell her, "no, Tessa, I don't have a baby in my tummy." It just makes me sad for her sometimes, I know how badly she wants a brother or a sister, (in actuality, she wants a sister, when we pray at night, I pray for a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa, and she always interjects and says, "I want a baby sister") and it hurts me that I can't give that to her.
As much as I want another baby, which I desperately do, I'm also most definitely coming around to the idea of waving the white flag, calling it quits on the treatments and being a family of three. I'm thankful, so thankful, for friends and family members who are part of one child families who have been willing to share their thoughts and feelings with me about being a part of a one child family, either from the perspective of the parent or the child. It so nice to hear about people who feel that having only one child or being an only child is a huge blessing and how it benefitted their lives and that it can be a very fufilling life. Don't get me wrong, Tessa keeps me as busy as several children would, and if she is the only child we ever have, she will be MORE than enough. I think about the fact that she was only 19 months old when we first started all these infertility treatments again. And now she's 3 and on her way to being 3 1/2. She was still such a baby when all this started, and now she's a little girl. We have been able to do so many more things with her in the last few months as she is getting older and more mature and life no longer revolves around naptimes and I think...if we were to never have the blessing of getting another child, we have a whole new world of adventure opened to us in no longer having a baby in the family. All of these factors are weighing on our decision on which direction to take. David tells me that he thinks I'm finally in a good place in my crazy head because for the first time, we both feel like we no longer need another baby to complete our family, but that another baby would just be an extremely added blessing to our family which is already complete. We are happy as a family of three and my eyes have been opened to all the wonderful benefits of being a family of three which I was never able to see before because I was so blinded by my extreme need for another baby. If we decide to move forward with more treatments, we both feel like this is the best place to be in, a place where I'm good with where we are and feel complete with where we are, and would consider any other blessings that come along a huge bonus.
Unfortunately, I wish with this newfound contentedness with our situation, that the pain and sting of infertility would go away. It doesn't. Part of me is very afraid it will never go away. In the business that my sister and I run together, I deal with a lot of pregnant women. One of the most popular thing we sell is our sibling shirts, Big Sister, Big Brother, Little Sister, Little Brother, etc. So many people order shirts for a Big Sister or Brother as a way of sharing the news they're expecting or order with a Little sibling shirt to do pictures for the when the baby is born. It's always hard, but for the most part, I've developed a pretty hard shell to it because it is my business, my livilihood, and I don't have a choice. There have been a few especially hard ones that I have had to power through, like the lady a few months ago who convoed us wanting Big Sister shirts for her twins...in size 6 months. It's always hard for me when a Big Brother or Sister comes through in a small size realizing that some people, many people, really get to have their babies back to back (not that I would want that, by any means, having babies really close together in age is not what I would have chosen for myself). But wow, it just is a reminder that some people really have no trouble whatsoever getting pregnant. Then a week or two ago, we had a lady send us a convo asking how soon we could get a Big Sister shirt to her. Usually, that means one of two things (we get that kind of request often) 1) She just found out she's pregnant and wants to use the shirt to share the news or 2) She is really close to her due date and needs it asap before she has the new baby. Neither one of these was her situation. When I asked her what date she needed the shirt by, she told me that she didn't really have an exact date, she wasn't actually pregnant yet, but they're trying and she just knows it's going to happen right away. And she probably will get pregnant right away, and it will probably work exactly as she planned, because some people just seem to get to have everything they want, exactly when they want it and how they want it. Then there are others, and I am NOT just talking about myself, but so many others who struggle and fight for what they want who don't get things to come so easy. And I don't know this lady, maybe she has had a terrible life and having babies is the only thing that works easily for her, I have no idea, I just know, she unknowingly picked the wrong person to make that statement to. :)
I often think of the words that I heard so many times from one of my friends when she was going through fertility treatments in attempts to have a second child. They had several IUI cycles that failed one after the other. She often said that she doesn't understand why this isn't working and that she just wished that if God wasn't going to give her another child that He would take away her desire to have another child. At the time she was going through this, we hadn't even started our round of treatments for a second child, and after her three failed IUIs, I remember telling her, "I don't know how you keep going. I would never be able to do what you're doing." Lo and behold, we are stronger than we think we are. Five cycles later and ten babies lost, I'm still standing. Never imagined that I would be.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray for us to come to a decision about what direction we want to go. Pray that we would be able to come up with the financial resources to pursue that direction. Pray for me, and David as well, as we are still learning how to deal with our situation. Every tiny baby I see, every pregnant belly...hurts. I wish it didn't, I'm hoping eventually it won't, pray that I get there.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
A Much Needed Vacation
Sunday night we returned home from a much needed vacation. We spent a week in Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, TN just enjoying some time together as a family. I'm sure I said it before, but the day after our last test results came in, I said to my mom, "what we really need is a vacation," knowing that there was no way we could ever afford to take one. The next day, David called me from church and told me that a guy that he serves with had offered to pay for our accomodations for us to take a vacation. It was truly a miracle. We still had the issue of coming up with the money for gas to get there and money for things to do. We were trying to cut back as much as we could, but we had Tessa's birthday only 2 weeks prior to the time we left which brough plenty of expenses. We were surprised when we received our second tax refund check in the mail several weeks sooner than what we thought we would get, then were so incredibly blessed when we were given monetary gifts from a couple different members of our family so that we could really enjoy ourselves on vacation and not worry so much about the money. We were so incredibly blessed. Our trip was a great one! We spent four night in a hotel in Pigeon Forge and did tons of sight seeing in the mountains and in town. Then we ended up meeting one of my best friends (who I haven't seen in years) and her husband and two girls and stayed in a cabin in the mountains for two nights. Overall, it was an incredibly rejuvenating trip and we made memories that we will treasure forever, as it was our first vacation that we took as a family by ourselves. Here are just a few pictures from our week:
At that point I realized, I'm not the only one who carried my emotional baggage with me on vacation. I don't know who that person is, or really even how to pronounce her name as I can't tell what the last name says, but I will be praying for her. If you look off to the left in the picture, it's kinda cut off, but someone else wrote an encouraging message that says, "To anyone peering over these notes: stay strong". I sooooo don't understand why we have been chosen to walk through this particular valley that we are walking in, but I do know that God still speaks to us and He is walking beside us.
I have some big mountains to climb over the next few days, few weeks, few months. I have some very close friends who have recently had babies and some that are soon to be having babies, including my own sister, and I'm honestly kinda scared. I've not allowed myself to be around babies, because I knew it beyond what I could handle. I haven't held a baby since all this begin a year and a half ago. Very soon I'll be spending some time with my friends and their babies and I'm not sure how I'm going to react. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle myself. I am so happy for my friends and family and anyone who doesn't have to walk through what we've been through, but I'm not sure how it's all going to go. Thankfully, my friends love me and are very understanding when I begged for no judgement to be passed if I am unable to hold their precious bundle. I am blessed to have the people that I have around me.
I'm now left in this place where I'm seeking something to distract me. First it was Tessa's birthday, then vacation, and now...I don't have anything major coming up that keeps my mind occupied. It leaves me to deal with my thoughts and emotions as they come to me. I have sat for the last two nights and worked at my sister's house on our embroidery machines making Big SIS shirt after Big SIS shirt and with every one, I want to cry because it hurts me to think that my daughter may never get to wear one. Then I am reminded of the one that I did have for her, which has now been hidden away out of my sight. I think about every night when we sit down to pray and Tessa is the one that reminds me to pray for a baby brother or baby sister. Usually it's a baby sister, although while we were on vacation I think she was missing her cousins because she prayed for a baby brother just like Jack and Cole. David and I both agreed that as much fun as we had on vacation at the end with my friend and her family, it was so hard because Tessa had such a great time playing with the girls, the girl her age and the little girl who just recently turned 1, it's just another reminder of what a great sister I think she would be. It's not her fault that she may not get that chance. Some days I have a lot of hope that soon Tessa will get to be the big sister, and other days, that hope is much harder to muster up. It's those days that I have to feed off of the hope that comes from Tessa. She prays for it every day.
I had the best dream a couple nights ago. I don't remember it all, just that our whole family was gathered up together and had this big surprise for us. They gave us this huge package which inside had all of these plaques and on each one it showed a sum of money being donated to us and what corporation or person donated it. I don't remember the exact amounts, but it was a lot, and in my dream I was so happy because I felt like all the doors were open for us. We had the money to pursue more treatment if that's what we wanted, we had the money to pursue any kind of adoption if that's what we wanted. I just remember being so excited because I had so many options in front of me with no limits. Then I woke up. It was one of those feelings where it still felt so real when I woke up, it took me several minutes to realize it was only a dream.
I am reminded again of the words to a song that I posted on my blog way back in February. It still applies to me today:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow
This is my desert. This is my fire. This is my battle. And yet at the same time, I live the harvest every day that I get to spend with Tessa. Throughout all of this, I am reminded more and more of what an absolute miracle it is to conceive of or adopt and raise a child. It's nothing to take for granted, and nothing to take lightly. Through the challenge that we have faced and continue to face every day, it makes me more and more amazed that I was ever able to have a child. It seems like an impossible feat.
Please continue to pray for us as we have a lot of decisions to make. We're still a little unsure of what path is going to be the right one for us and we're really praying for a clear direction and peace of mind from God about what is going to be right for us. Pray for us as we are still continuing to heal. These many, many losses have taken so much more of a toll on me and on us as a family than I ever imagined they would. Pray for our miracle, which we would willingly accept at any time!
A view from the top of the Gatlinburg Sky Lift
Tessa throwing rocks in the creek at Cades Cove
Playing by the rocks on the creek
Having lunch at the Old Mill Restaurant and loving her new pink cowgirl hat!
Checking out the fence by one of the original homes built in the Smokies
On the trail coming back down from Clingman's Dome, the highest point in the Smokies
Riding the carousel at Ober Gatlinburg
Our sweet family at the Apple Barn
Daddy and Tessa at Flapjacks Pancakes House
On the top of Clingman's Dome
I was very much hoping that with time, most of the pain of what we've been through over the last months would just fade. I'm not a real expert on the best way to deal with my emotions and my natural instinct these last few weeks has been to just not deal with them. I'm aware that's not the healthiest choice, but it's what works for me for right now. We're home now, and as much as I was hoping that the pain would be just gone, I find that it's not. Our vacation was a wonderful retreat, but I come home to the same issues I had when I left. There was one thing that I saw on vacation that really screamed out to me. I know it was there, meant for me to see. On Wednesday, we toured Cades Cove, which is a driving tour through an area in the mountains with several stops to get out and see old cabins, churches, mills, etc. It's a really neat place to see. Our third stop on the tour was an old Methodist church built around 1900, the original building was from the early 1800s, but they rebuilt a new one around the turn of the century. We almost didn't go into this church because the previous stop had been an old Baptist church, and the two looked pretty similar, and honestly, this one wasn't as old as the Baptist one, so we almost skipped it. I'm very thankful we didn't. Inside the church, David and Tessa went straight to the piano and started playing while I just walked around and was taking some pictures. At the front of the church, on the alter I noticed there were stacks of papers. At first I thought maybe sermon notes? Is this church still in use? (Which I think they do still use it from time to time). The closer I got to it, I realized it was a lot of loose papers, scraps here and there. I started looking over them and realized that they were prayer requests, hundreds of them, stacked here on the alter of a church that's over a hundred years old. It reminded me of something you'd see on the Travel Channel, some old spot with a tradition of making a wish or saying a prayer or something like that. I looked at the top of the pile and read the prayer request written on top, it moved me to tears. I took a picture of it so that I would always remember.
I have some big mountains to climb over the next few days, few weeks, few months. I have some very close friends who have recently had babies and some that are soon to be having babies, including my own sister, and I'm honestly kinda scared. I've not allowed myself to be around babies, because I knew it beyond what I could handle. I haven't held a baby since all this begin a year and a half ago. Very soon I'll be spending some time with my friends and their babies and I'm not sure how I'm going to react. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle myself. I am so happy for my friends and family and anyone who doesn't have to walk through what we've been through, but I'm not sure how it's all going to go. Thankfully, my friends love me and are very understanding when I begged for no judgement to be passed if I am unable to hold their precious bundle. I am blessed to have the people that I have around me.
I'm now left in this place where I'm seeking something to distract me. First it was Tessa's birthday, then vacation, and now...I don't have anything major coming up that keeps my mind occupied. It leaves me to deal with my thoughts and emotions as they come to me. I have sat for the last two nights and worked at my sister's house on our embroidery machines making Big SIS shirt after Big SIS shirt and with every one, I want to cry because it hurts me to think that my daughter may never get to wear one. Then I am reminded of the one that I did have for her, which has now been hidden away out of my sight. I think about every night when we sit down to pray and Tessa is the one that reminds me to pray for a baby brother or baby sister. Usually it's a baby sister, although while we were on vacation I think she was missing her cousins because she prayed for a baby brother just like Jack and Cole. David and I both agreed that as much fun as we had on vacation at the end with my friend and her family, it was so hard because Tessa had such a great time playing with the girls, the girl her age and the little girl who just recently turned 1, it's just another reminder of what a great sister I think she would be. It's not her fault that she may not get that chance. Some days I have a lot of hope that soon Tessa will get to be the big sister, and other days, that hope is much harder to muster up. It's those days that I have to feed off of the hope that comes from Tessa. She prays for it every day.
I had the best dream a couple nights ago. I don't remember it all, just that our whole family was gathered up together and had this big surprise for us. They gave us this huge package which inside had all of these plaques and on each one it showed a sum of money being donated to us and what corporation or person donated it. I don't remember the exact amounts, but it was a lot, and in my dream I was so happy because I felt like all the doors were open for us. We had the money to pursue more treatment if that's what we wanted, we had the money to pursue any kind of adoption if that's what we wanted. I just remember being so excited because I had so many options in front of me with no limits. Then I woke up. It was one of those feelings where it still felt so real when I woke up, it took me several minutes to realize it was only a dream.
I am reminded again of the words to a song that I posted on my blog way back in February. It still applies to me today:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
Through weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
This seed I’ve received I will sow
This is my desert. This is my fire. This is my battle. And yet at the same time, I live the harvest every day that I get to spend with Tessa. Throughout all of this, I am reminded more and more of what an absolute miracle it is to conceive of or adopt and raise a child. It's nothing to take for granted, and nothing to take lightly. Through the challenge that we have faced and continue to face every day, it makes me more and more amazed that I was ever able to have a child. It seems like an impossible feat.
Please continue to pray for us as we have a lot of decisions to make. We're still a little unsure of what path is going to be the right one for us and we're really praying for a clear direction and peace of mind from God about what is going to be right for us. Pray for us as we are still continuing to heal. These many, many losses have taken so much more of a toll on me and on us as a family than I ever imagined they would. Pray for our miracle, which we would willingly accept at any time!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Attempting to Move Forward
It has been 18 days since we got our test results back. In many ways, it has been a very long 18 days. Today was the day that I finally took my ultrasound picture down from the fridge. That is always a big step for me, as I feel like it's the time when I am coming to grips with my reality and am beginning to accept what has happened. I added my picture to what is unfortunately becoming quite a collection of ultrasound pictures from our previous cycles. Tessa's birthday was coming up quickly after our results came in, so while I sat and moped for a few days, I threw myself into party planning. I'm pretty sure I went a little overboard. When Saturday morning came to start decorating for her party and my list of things to do was growing extremely long and my house was full of balloons all over the floor and decorations piled up on the couches and loads of streamers were needing to be hung, it hit me that I have really tried to bury myself in this party. Thankfully, my mom helped me get food ready and my sister in law came early and took charge of getting decorations hung, otherwise it would have never all come together. My mom, kinda jokingly, kinda not, suggested she's a little afraid of what might happen to me after the party when reality sets in. I reminded her that we have vacation to plan for then, and I will get busy getting ready for that. That's when the concern turned to what might happen after vacation, when I no longer have something big to prepare for and distract myself. It's totally legitimate, and I have thought the same things myself, but just haven't vocalized them. I'm sure it's not the best way to deal with all of this, but in my mind, I'm just hoping if I keep distracted long enough that maybe the hurt will just heal itself. One can hope, right?
Throughout this last cycle, I tried really hard not to look ahead and make plans. With as much disappointment as we had been through in the last year and half, it was hard not to think positively that it would work, and at the same time it just seemed inevitable that it wouldn't work. That may seem contradictory, and it doesn't make sense, but it's just how your emotions are. In my positive moments, I was sure it would work and that God would give us both of our babies. I had even thought ahead so much that I figured my ultrasound would come before Tessa's birthday, and that I was going to tell my family the ultrasound wasn't until the next week so that when I found it it was twins we could surprise everybody at Tessa's party. I was going to make her a cute shirt somehow announcing she would be a big sister to twins. I had it all planned out. That thought came to my mind on Friday night when I was making her birthday shirt to wear for the weekend. Again, it's another strike of reality. Tessa has been such a sweetheart though. As much as I have been in a really hard place, she is my reminder of faith. There were so many days when I would sit down to pray and sit in silence because I didn't even know how to pray. I was, and still am, hurting so badly that my brain couldn't form the words that my heart were feeling. Tessa still has her faith though. When I would sit down to pray with her before bed, we would say her prayer, thank God for the day and the great things we did and ask for blessings on the next day and say amen. That's when she interjects and says, "what about my baby sister?" We had spent every night for the past month or two praying for God to bring her baby brothers or baby sisters, then I stopped praying for that with her because I couldn't form the words. But at the prompting of my two year old (now three year old), we would pray and tell God that only He can know how much we really do want a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa and ask Him to bring her one. I am thankful to my little princess for her faith, because it was through her prompting to continue to pray for a baby that I was finally able to verbalize my prayers for it too.
The days have been long. Some are much better than others. Some days I hardly think about it at all, and other days, it's on my mind so much of the time. I feel like I'm finally able to take phone calls from my friends again. I know I blocked so many of them out in the last couple of weeks, and for that I'm sorry. I really needed my space and I hope I didn't hurt any of them in process. I have thought often of one my friends during this time. She and I went through the infertility process at the same time when I got pregnant with Tessa, her son was due two weeks after I was. When they started trying again to have another one, they went through three failed IUI cycles, then had an IVF cycle that got cancelled, then it looked like their next IVF would get cancelled, but they ended up switching to an IUI and that one worked. I can remember talking to her after the 3rd failed IUI, at that time we were just getting ready to start our whole process again, we had our first consultation with our doctor in just a few weeks. I can remember feeling so sorry for her and so much pain for her that they had had three disappointments in a row, and I told her, "I don't know how you are still functioning, there is no way that I would be able to keep going after having three failed cycles." Huh. Who would have known. Here I am, after 5 failed cycles, and I'm still standing. Some days I feel like that's all I'm doing, just standing, and on those days, I think that's enough. When it's just Tessa and me at home, I feel like I'm doing pretty good, then I hop on facebook or head out the door and I am flooded with newborn babies and pregnancies. I want so badly for it to not hurt. I really do. I can smile and say the right things, but what I want is for it not to hurt my heart, but I'm not sure how to fix that. How I feel is how I feel, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe it's too soon to try, I don't know. So many of my friends are pregnant or have just had babies, and I feel like a bad friend because I don't ask enough questions about how things are going or oooh and aaahhh over the babies. My sister is pregnant, and while I'm so excited for her, again, I feel bad because I know I don't talk to her enough about it, especially these last few weeks, I don't think I've brought it up once. I'm back to that guilt that I felt before because my situation not only affects me, but the people around me too.
But today....today is the day that we attempt to move forward. When the nurse called me 18 days ago to give me the news, she said my doctor would like us to come in for a return consultation so we can discuss our options in moving forward. At the time, I told her I needed to call back and make the appointment. It was not something I could do in the moment. So I called the following Monday and was shocked when she said they had an opening the next day, so I scheduled the appointment. As the day dragged on, I realized that I just wasn't ready to go in and talk to him yet. I hadn't had a chance to clear my head and get a good idea of what I wanted to talk to him about and the questions that I wanted to ask, so I called back again and rescheduled the appointment. We go in today. David and I will sit down with him and hear what he has to say. I'm really not sure what he's going to tell us, but I'm anxious to hear it. I want to know what he thinks our best options are for moving ahead and then we're going to leave and take some time to think it over and pray about it. I'm not ready to jump into anything. We're not entirely sure if we will pursue anything else at all, I think we will, but just throwing in the towel and putting all of our attention on Tessa is one of the options we're considering. I'm just not sure how much more ups and downs I can put myself through. These last 17 months have put me through the ringer and I am just not sure how much more I can handle. I'm hoping to leave the appointment today, not with answers, because I know I won't get those, but with some good information that we will take and mull over for the next few months.
Through it all, we have felt so incredibly blessed. David and I have said so many times that all of this that we have gone through has only magnified the fact that Tessa being here is such an incredible miracle. The odds for success with that procedure were like 25-30%, and here she is. It seemed so easy at the time. I see now that none of it's easy, she truly is our miracle and we are so thankful for it. It's been great having her birthday in the middle of all of this because we have been able to focus on her and celebrate how blessed we are to have her in our lives. I hug her a little tighter every night and tell her I love her a few more times a day. She is my greatest blessing. And while some may look at me and think I'm a little bit of an overprotective mother, if they knew what we'd been through, they'd understand. After losing 10 babies, I am only all too aware of what a gift a child is and I will do whatever I need to do to protect her and keep her safe. Ultimately, everything is in God's hands, but He has trusted me with her care, and I will do everything in my power to do the best job I can taking care of her.
We have also been given another absolutely incredible gift. Mother's Day fell on the weekend that we got our results back. I didn't go to church that morning, I knew my limits and I knew that would be pushing it, so I spent my mother's day home with my best girl. Anyway, David still had to go to church because he had to lead worship. He called me around 9:45, after worship would have been finished and told me some incredible news. He told me that a good friend at church had been talking to him and said he and his wife just really wanted to bless us in some way that would be helpful to us. He had asked if we were planning on taking a vacation this year, and David told him no, we just don't have the money, and he asked if we would be willing to take a vacation if he and his wife paid for the accomodations. We were absolutely so blown away by his incredible generosity. Long story short, we thought about where we'd like to go and worked it out with him and in 12 days we are leaving for a week to go stay in Gatlinburg, TN (Pigeon Forge, actually) to spend a week relaxing and having some fun family time in the mountains. There is no way that we could have afforded this on our own and we just couldn't feel more blessed. We still needed to come up with the money for gas and for spending while we're down there, which was proving to be a challenge, especially with Tessa's birthday and all the expenses that come with birthdays and throwing and a party and whatnot, but we figured there are plenty of things to do down there that don't have to cost a lot of money, and we're fine with that, we just want some time to spend as a family and to clear our heads of everything that's been going on. So you can imagine our surprise when, over the last few days, we have had two different family members give us gifts of money for us to use on our vacation because they want us to relax and have a good time. We just feel so loved and so lifted up by our community of family and friends that have surrounded us during these last few week, months, and last year and a half. We are so incredibly blessed. We may walk through trials and not always understand why God choses for us to face those giants, but He always gives us what we need to deal with our situation. On the Saturday before Mother's Day, the day after our results came in, I had been talking to my mom and told her, "what we really need is a vacation, " (knowing that financially it was in no way possible) and the next morning, we had our vacation dropped in our laps. I may never understand why God chose me to walk down this path, but I know that He has provided for us along the way, and I know that it has made me a stronger person because of it all. If I can face losing 10 babies and still come out fighting, I can do anything.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our appointment today that we would feel hopeful after we leave. Pray that God would show us the next step for us to take, no matter what that step is. Pray for us as we are still healing from our incredible heartbreak. I'm thankful the good days outnumber the bad ones now, but that doesn't mean the bad ones are gone. And please pray that our miracle is still on the way. Thanks for following our story and hopefully, it's not finished yet.
Throughout this last cycle, I tried really hard not to look ahead and make plans. With as much disappointment as we had been through in the last year and half, it was hard not to think positively that it would work, and at the same time it just seemed inevitable that it wouldn't work. That may seem contradictory, and it doesn't make sense, but it's just how your emotions are. In my positive moments, I was sure it would work and that God would give us both of our babies. I had even thought ahead so much that I figured my ultrasound would come before Tessa's birthday, and that I was going to tell my family the ultrasound wasn't until the next week so that when I found it it was twins we could surprise everybody at Tessa's party. I was going to make her a cute shirt somehow announcing she would be a big sister to twins. I had it all planned out. That thought came to my mind on Friday night when I was making her birthday shirt to wear for the weekend. Again, it's another strike of reality. Tessa has been such a sweetheart though. As much as I have been in a really hard place, she is my reminder of faith. There were so many days when I would sit down to pray and sit in silence because I didn't even know how to pray. I was, and still am, hurting so badly that my brain couldn't form the words that my heart were feeling. Tessa still has her faith though. When I would sit down to pray with her before bed, we would say her prayer, thank God for the day and the great things we did and ask for blessings on the next day and say amen. That's when she interjects and says, "what about my baby sister?" We had spent every night for the past month or two praying for God to bring her baby brothers or baby sisters, then I stopped praying for that with her because I couldn't form the words. But at the prompting of my two year old (now three year old), we would pray and tell God that only He can know how much we really do want a baby brother or baby sister for Tessa and ask Him to bring her one. I am thankful to my little princess for her faith, because it was through her prompting to continue to pray for a baby that I was finally able to verbalize my prayers for it too.
The days have been long. Some are much better than others. Some days I hardly think about it at all, and other days, it's on my mind so much of the time. I feel like I'm finally able to take phone calls from my friends again. I know I blocked so many of them out in the last couple of weeks, and for that I'm sorry. I really needed my space and I hope I didn't hurt any of them in process. I have thought often of one my friends during this time. She and I went through the infertility process at the same time when I got pregnant with Tessa, her son was due two weeks after I was. When they started trying again to have another one, they went through three failed IUI cycles, then had an IVF cycle that got cancelled, then it looked like their next IVF would get cancelled, but they ended up switching to an IUI and that one worked. I can remember talking to her after the 3rd failed IUI, at that time we were just getting ready to start our whole process again, we had our first consultation with our doctor in just a few weeks. I can remember feeling so sorry for her and so much pain for her that they had had three disappointments in a row, and I told her, "I don't know how you are still functioning, there is no way that I would be able to keep going after having three failed cycles." Huh. Who would have known. Here I am, after 5 failed cycles, and I'm still standing. Some days I feel like that's all I'm doing, just standing, and on those days, I think that's enough. When it's just Tessa and me at home, I feel like I'm doing pretty good, then I hop on facebook or head out the door and I am flooded with newborn babies and pregnancies. I want so badly for it to not hurt. I really do. I can smile and say the right things, but what I want is for it not to hurt my heart, but I'm not sure how to fix that. How I feel is how I feel, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe it's too soon to try, I don't know. So many of my friends are pregnant or have just had babies, and I feel like a bad friend because I don't ask enough questions about how things are going or oooh and aaahhh over the babies. My sister is pregnant, and while I'm so excited for her, again, I feel bad because I know I don't talk to her enough about it, especially these last few weeks, I don't think I've brought it up once. I'm back to that guilt that I felt before because my situation not only affects me, but the people around me too.
But today....today is the day that we attempt to move forward. When the nurse called me 18 days ago to give me the news, she said my doctor would like us to come in for a return consultation so we can discuss our options in moving forward. At the time, I told her I needed to call back and make the appointment. It was not something I could do in the moment. So I called the following Monday and was shocked when she said they had an opening the next day, so I scheduled the appointment. As the day dragged on, I realized that I just wasn't ready to go in and talk to him yet. I hadn't had a chance to clear my head and get a good idea of what I wanted to talk to him about and the questions that I wanted to ask, so I called back again and rescheduled the appointment. We go in today. David and I will sit down with him and hear what he has to say. I'm really not sure what he's going to tell us, but I'm anxious to hear it. I want to know what he thinks our best options are for moving ahead and then we're going to leave and take some time to think it over and pray about it. I'm not ready to jump into anything. We're not entirely sure if we will pursue anything else at all, I think we will, but just throwing in the towel and putting all of our attention on Tessa is one of the options we're considering. I'm just not sure how much more ups and downs I can put myself through. These last 17 months have put me through the ringer and I am just not sure how much more I can handle. I'm hoping to leave the appointment today, not with answers, because I know I won't get those, but with some good information that we will take and mull over for the next few months.
Through it all, we have felt so incredibly blessed. David and I have said so many times that all of this that we have gone through has only magnified the fact that Tessa being here is such an incredible miracle. The odds for success with that procedure were like 25-30%, and here she is. It seemed so easy at the time. I see now that none of it's easy, she truly is our miracle and we are so thankful for it. It's been great having her birthday in the middle of all of this because we have been able to focus on her and celebrate how blessed we are to have her in our lives. I hug her a little tighter every night and tell her I love her a few more times a day. She is my greatest blessing. And while some may look at me and think I'm a little bit of an overprotective mother, if they knew what we'd been through, they'd understand. After losing 10 babies, I am only all too aware of what a gift a child is and I will do whatever I need to do to protect her and keep her safe. Ultimately, everything is in God's hands, but He has trusted me with her care, and I will do everything in my power to do the best job I can taking care of her.
We have also been given another absolutely incredible gift. Mother's Day fell on the weekend that we got our results back. I didn't go to church that morning, I knew my limits and I knew that would be pushing it, so I spent my mother's day home with my best girl. Anyway, David still had to go to church because he had to lead worship. He called me around 9:45, after worship would have been finished and told me some incredible news. He told me that a good friend at church had been talking to him and said he and his wife just really wanted to bless us in some way that would be helpful to us. He had asked if we were planning on taking a vacation this year, and David told him no, we just don't have the money, and he asked if we would be willing to take a vacation if he and his wife paid for the accomodations. We were absolutely so blown away by his incredible generosity. Long story short, we thought about where we'd like to go and worked it out with him and in 12 days we are leaving for a week to go stay in Gatlinburg, TN (Pigeon Forge, actually) to spend a week relaxing and having some fun family time in the mountains. There is no way that we could have afforded this on our own and we just couldn't feel more blessed. We still needed to come up with the money for gas and for spending while we're down there, which was proving to be a challenge, especially with Tessa's birthday and all the expenses that come with birthdays and throwing and a party and whatnot, but we figured there are plenty of things to do down there that don't have to cost a lot of money, and we're fine with that, we just want some time to spend as a family and to clear our heads of everything that's been going on. So you can imagine our surprise when, over the last few days, we have had two different family members give us gifts of money for us to use on our vacation because they want us to relax and have a good time. We just feel so loved and so lifted up by our community of family and friends that have surrounded us during these last few week, months, and last year and a half. We are so incredibly blessed. We may walk through trials and not always understand why God choses for us to face those giants, but He always gives us what we need to deal with our situation. On the Saturday before Mother's Day, the day after our results came in, I had been talking to my mom and told her, "what we really need is a vacation, " (knowing that financially it was in no way possible) and the next morning, we had our vacation dropped in our laps. I may never understand why God chose me to walk down this path, but I know that He has provided for us along the way, and I know that it has made me a stronger person because of it all. If I can face losing 10 babies and still come out fighting, I can do anything.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our appointment today that we would feel hopeful after we leave. Pray that God would show us the next step for us to take, no matter what that step is. Pray for us as we are still healing from our incredible heartbreak. I'm thankful the good days outnumber the bad ones now, but that doesn't mean the bad ones are gone. And please pray that our miracle is still on the way. Thanks for following our story and hopefully, it's not finished yet.
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Results Are In...
Today was the day. When you do a regular IVF cycle, my doctor does his transfers in the morning, so you go back seven days later for a pregnancy test, but with the FETs, he does those transfers in the afternoon, and because they want you to have a full week before testing, you come back on the following Friday for bloodwork. The last couple of days have been jittery, as I describe it. I've been really trying hard to keep busy and keep my mind off of things. Yesterday, I think I about 5 loads of laundry, baked a cake, cleaned the house, then as soon as David got home from work we got ready and took off for downtown Naperville to hang out for the evening. I just needed to keep busy. Didn't sleep great last night, so much on my mind with the blood test today. It took me until well after midnight to fall asleep, then after waking up several times throughout the night, Tessa got up at six, and we were up for the day. We lounged a bit this morning before getting ready to head into the office. My appointment was 9. We were in and out. All they had to do with draw a little blood. After that, I met my sister and nephews at Jo-Ann to pick up a few things, then headed over to Hobby Lobby to pick up some ribbon for a birthday banner I'm working on for Tessa's birthday.
We headed home after that, because I knew it wouldn't be too long before the nurse was calling, and I really wanted to be home for that. Callbacks are supposed to be between 2 and 4:30, but very often, if they get the results from the lab back early, they call early. Tessa wanted to play outside, I wasn't feeling up to it, so I parked my car in the driveway and closed the garage door and just let her play and ride her bike in the garage. Around 11, I started logging into my patient portal every few minutes. A few times, the results have shown up there before the nurse has gotten a chance to call. Checked again at 11:15, nothing. Checked at 11:30, still nothing. Checked at 11:45 and saw that I had new lab results to view. That's when your heart really starts pounding. Granted, I had been nervous all morning, although, I will say, not near as nervous this time as I have been in the past. I really felt the Lord's peace over me throughout the day. I opened the link that said BHCG for today's date...and that's when my heart dropped. The results showed <1.00. I've seen that number before, too many times. It didn't work. I couldn't believe, still can't. Didn't hit me right away though. I texted David first off, and while I was waiting for him to respond, I called my mom. I tried the best I could to hold it together, but when I got off the phone with her that's when I broke down. I was out in the garage because Tessa had wanted my help to get a drum down off the shelf, and I just sat on the floor of the garage curled up and sobbing. David then texted back and said he was coming home. I was glad for that. I just sat there, I don't know how long, and cried. Tessa kept coming over to me and asking why I was so sad, and I decided to tell her the truth. After all, we'd been praying every day for God to bring her some baby brothers or baby sisters, (she has been saying all along that she wants a baby sister). So I very honestly took her in my lap and said, "I'm sad because we aren't going to have a new baby in our family." Her initial reaction broke my heart, she stood up, put her face in her hands and started crying. (Probably because that's what I was doing). Then she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "maybe tomorrow I have a baby sister." My sweet, innocent girl. I love her.
I pulled myself together enough to head back in the house to lay on the couch and cry. I got my phone out and texted my family and close friends that were waiting on pins and needles for results. I'm so thankful for the bounty of texts and e-mails that I got all morning telling me that they were praying for me today and couldn't wait to hear our good news. I'm so thankful for them. Every new replay that would come in giving me their sincerest condolences brought a new round of tears all over again. I don't understand it. About 45 minutes later, I did get a call from the doctor's office. The nurse said she had my results and that she was sorry, but it was negative. I told her I knew, I saw it online. She said doctor would like us to come in for a consultation to sit down and decide where to go from here. I told her I'd call back to set up the appointment, I just needed to get off the phone in that moment. I had held it together for about as long as I could handle.
I'm so very frustrated. I don't understand it. I know God has a plan, but I don't understand how or why it includes so much pain for us. You know, last week, in the week of the transfer I had 4 friends all deliver babies, and 3 of them came at least a week or two early. I remember sitting there thinking, well...either this is a good sign for us, or God is preparing me by having these babies born before we get our bad news back instead of after. I was hoping it was the former, but turns out it was the latter. I want to be angry, but I'm not, I'm just sad. One of the tv shows I follow is 19 Kids and Counting. Surprising, I know, that someone like me, with such infertility issues would enjoy watching a show about a family that can't stop having children, but I really do like it. All day long, I haven't been able to get out of my head what I saw in the last season's finale. Jim Bob and Michelle were going in for their ultrasound to find out the gender of their 20th child that she was pregnant with, and when they had the ultrasound, they found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. They had lost the baby. The first words out of Michelle's mouth were, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I realize that she had cameras on her, but I very strongly believe she would have done that regardless. That's where I'm at today. The Lord has given us so much in the gorgeous blonde haired-blue eyed girl that has showered me with hugs and kisses today. Yes, for whatever reason, He has chosen to take these last 10 babies from us. (Wow, that's a big number, first time I've said that) But He has a purpose in it all, there is something that He sees that I don't. And while I am immeasurably sad today, this too will pass.
I don't know what our next step is. I can't even go there right now. Right now I want to enjoy my beautiful girl and let her and David be my physical comforts over the next weeks. I feared these results coming back today, as Sunday is Mother's Day. While it's never a good time to find out you lost two babies, two days before Mother's Day seems cruel. Through it all, I'm so thankful that I am a mother, and I have my Tessa. There are so many women that go through the same things that I go through but never get the joy of a positive result, even if it's just once. I'm so thankful that isn't my story, and I pray continually for those who's story it is.
Please continue to pray for us. These next few days will be hard, especially Sunday. Pray that God would direct us toward the next step that He wants us to take. One of my friends left me a voicemail earlier today after I texted her our news and said she has been praying so much for us this week, and the word that God gave her about me was hope. She said she doesn't know what or where it's specifially leading, but that God wants me to have hope, that this isn't the end. I'm so thankful for friends and family who are willing to stand in the gap for us and intercede on our behalf. Hope is hard for me to feel today and I am overwhelmed with grief, but pray that it comes. Thank you to those who have been following our story and praying continually for us. We need those prayers now more than ever.
We headed home after that, because I knew it wouldn't be too long before the nurse was calling, and I really wanted to be home for that. Callbacks are supposed to be between 2 and 4:30, but very often, if they get the results from the lab back early, they call early. Tessa wanted to play outside, I wasn't feeling up to it, so I parked my car in the driveway and closed the garage door and just let her play and ride her bike in the garage. Around 11, I started logging into my patient portal every few minutes. A few times, the results have shown up there before the nurse has gotten a chance to call. Checked again at 11:15, nothing. Checked at 11:30, still nothing. Checked at 11:45 and saw that I had new lab results to view. That's when your heart really starts pounding. Granted, I had been nervous all morning, although, I will say, not near as nervous this time as I have been in the past. I really felt the Lord's peace over me throughout the day. I opened the link that said BHCG for today's date...and that's when my heart dropped. The results showed <1.00. I've seen that number before, too many times. It didn't work. I couldn't believe, still can't. Didn't hit me right away though. I texted David first off, and while I was waiting for him to respond, I called my mom. I tried the best I could to hold it together, but when I got off the phone with her that's when I broke down. I was out in the garage because Tessa had wanted my help to get a drum down off the shelf, and I just sat on the floor of the garage curled up and sobbing. David then texted back and said he was coming home. I was glad for that. I just sat there, I don't know how long, and cried. Tessa kept coming over to me and asking why I was so sad, and I decided to tell her the truth. After all, we'd been praying every day for God to bring her some baby brothers or baby sisters, (she has been saying all along that she wants a baby sister). So I very honestly took her in my lap and said, "I'm sad because we aren't going to have a new baby in our family." Her initial reaction broke my heart, she stood up, put her face in her hands and started crying. (Probably because that's what I was doing). Then she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "maybe tomorrow I have a baby sister." My sweet, innocent girl. I love her.
I pulled myself together enough to head back in the house to lay on the couch and cry. I got my phone out and texted my family and close friends that were waiting on pins and needles for results. I'm so thankful for the bounty of texts and e-mails that I got all morning telling me that they were praying for me today and couldn't wait to hear our good news. I'm so thankful for them. Every new replay that would come in giving me their sincerest condolences brought a new round of tears all over again. I don't understand it. About 45 minutes later, I did get a call from the doctor's office. The nurse said she had my results and that she was sorry, but it was negative. I told her I knew, I saw it online. She said doctor would like us to come in for a consultation to sit down and decide where to go from here. I told her I'd call back to set up the appointment, I just needed to get off the phone in that moment. I had held it together for about as long as I could handle.
I'm so very frustrated. I don't understand it. I know God has a plan, but I don't understand how or why it includes so much pain for us. You know, last week, in the week of the transfer I had 4 friends all deliver babies, and 3 of them came at least a week or two early. I remember sitting there thinking, well...either this is a good sign for us, or God is preparing me by having these babies born before we get our bad news back instead of after. I was hoping it was the former, but turns out it was the latter. I want to be angry, but I'm not, I'm just sad. One of the tv shows I follow is 19 Kids and Counting. Surprising, I know, that someone like me, with such infertility issues would enjoy watching a show about a family that can't stop having children, but I really do like it. All day long, I haven't been able to get out of my head what I saw in the last season's finale. Jim Bob and Michelle were going in for their ultrasound to find out the gender of their 20th child that she was pregnant with, and when they had the ultrasound, they found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. They had lost the baby. The first words out of Michelle's mouth were, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I realize that she had cameras on her, but I very strongly believe she would have done that regardless. That's where I'm at today. The Lord has given us so much in the gorgeous blonde haired-blue eyed girl that has showered me with hugs and kisses today. Yes, for whatever reason, He has chosen to take these last 10 babies from us. (Wow, that's a big number, first time I've said that) But He has a purpose in it all, there is something that He sees that I don't. And while I am immeasurably sad today, this too will pass.
I don't know what our next step is. I can't even go there right now. Right now I want to enjoy my beautiful girl and let her and David be my physical comforts over the next weeks. I feared these results coming back today, as Sunday is Mother's Day. While it's never a good time to find out you lost two babies, two days before Mother's Day seems cruel. Through it all, I'm so thankful that I am a mother, and I have my Tessa. There are so many women that go through the same things that I go through but never get the joy of a positive result, even if it's just once. I'm so thankful that isn't my story, and I pray continually for those who's story it is.
Please continue to pray for us. These next few days will be hard, especially Sunday. Pray that God would direct us toward the next step that He wants us to take. One of my friends left me a voicemail earlier today after I texted her our news and said she has been praying so much for us this week, and the word that God gave her about me was hope. She said she doesn't know what or where it's specifially leading, but that God wants me to have hope, that this isn't the end. I'm so thankful for friends and family who are willing to stand in the gap for us and intercede on our behalf. Hope is hard for me to feel today and I am overwhelmed with grief, but pray that it comes. Thank you to those who have been following our story and praying continually for us. We need those prayers now more than ever.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
And Now We Wait...
Let me begin this post by saying that words cannot express how grateful I am for the incredible support of my family and friends. The number of texts and emails and facebook messages reminding me that you are praying for us and hoping for the best has blown me away. As David and I sat down to eat lunch, I pulled out my phone and showed him all the facebook messages, not even including texts and emails, and said, "do you still think it was a bad idea for me to share this cycle with everyone?" At that point he smiled and said, "I guess not." We are so incredibly blessed. Thank you all.
Today went well. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking that I had not planned to leave early enough. What if traffic was terrible? We had planned to get one last chiropractic adjustment in before the transfer, and that appointment was at 10:15, which would mean that I wouldn't have left Naperville until at least 10:30 or after and I was supposed to be downtown at noon. In my panic, I texted my mom, which woke her up (sorry, Mom) and she said for me to just not worry about my appointment. If I was worried about getting there in time, skip the appointment, and leave early. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance from your mom, no matter how old you are. I felt much better then, still took me a while to fall back to sleep, but I eventually did.
My mom came up this morning to stay with Tessa for the day, she also brough a load of groceries for an easy fix dinner tonight (have I said lately how incredible my mom is?). We took off for Chicago about 9:45. There was very little traffic on 88 getting in, but the closer we got to the city, the more construction traffic we were running into. It was about ten after 11 by the time we got to the parking garage at the 900 N Michigan building. At this point, I had started drinking my water. My biggest stressor on transfer day is that you have to go in with a full bladder because they use an on-the-belly ultrasound wand to see the best place to place the embryos, and for that, you have to have a full bladder. This is always the worst part of the experience. Most of our transfers, I have drank far too much water and have been feeling on the edge of exploding as I wait for my doctor to come in, often past the time he's supposed to be there. Then there was the time that I didn't drink enough water and I was terrified I had ruined the whole thing because he wouldn't be able to see. But...he's a pro and he was able to do it anyway. As silly as it sounds, I did some trial runs this week drinking my water and seeing how long it took me to get really full, so I felt pretty confident about it today, but still, always the biggest issue on transfer day. Anyway, we didn't have to check in to the surgery center until noon, so David and I just took a little walk down Michigan Ave. It was a beautiful day out and we were enjoying soaking up the sun. We wandered into the American Girl Doll store and browsed around which totally brought me back to my childhood.
We got back to the surgery center a few minutes before noon, got all checked in and they took us back to our little recovery room. The nurse came in to do vitals, then we just waited until my doctor got there. Thankfully, we were the first transfer of the day so he was right on time. Yahoo!! He came in and gave us the good news that both of our remaining two embryos thawed and looked beautiful. (That was my other concern as I was up at 4:30 this morning, what if one or both of them doesn't survive the thaw?) But no, they were fine. They wheel you back on the gurney and the transfer takes place. The procedure itself isn't long, 10-15 minutes tops. The most magical moment being the one when he says, "and transferring the embryos now." I squeeze David's hand, close my eyes, and pray fervently for my little babes in that instant. Then I get my ultrasound picture. Granted, the embryos are too small to actually be seen, but what you do see is the little air bubbles of where they were transferred to. I hold that picture close to my heart as they finish things up and wheel me on back to my recovery room. And that's where we rest. They have you rest there for a half hour. I kinda chuckled with the guy came in to do my vitals after the procedure, he walked in, introduced himself, and then said, "wait, you look really familiar, we've met before haven't we?" To that I responded, "Yes, unfortunately, this isn't our first rodeo. This is our 5th transfer over the last year and a half." Even the folks up at the surgery center are starting to be familiar with me, I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to go there!!! I pulled out my Kindle, opened up my Netflix app and watched The Office. Nothing like Michael Scott to get your mind off things. After a half hour, we're free to go.
We were both starving by this point because I hadn't had much of an appetite this morning for breakfast, so it was 1:30 and I had eaten nothing but half of a small bowl of Special K and a piece of cinnamon bread from the Morris Bakery (Thank you, Alissa). We went down into the mall part of the Bloomingdale's building and had a quick sandwich at Potbelly. Then we walked across the street to Jamba Juice, I was really craving a Mango a-go-go. Our last stop before leaving was Sprinkles Cupcakes. I know it sounds like we did a lot of walking after the transfer, but all these places were no more than a block from the building we were in and where our car was parked. I picked up a lemon cupcake for myself, a vanilla with sprinkles for Tessa, and a vanilla with chocolate frosting for my dad and red velvet for my mom, a little thanks to them. The trip home took forever, construction took us forever to just get out of the city, then we ran into a lot of traffic on 88 coming home. I was pretty tired, and the sun felt so warm that I just napped on the ride home, which was nice.
Now we're home. I'm glad to see my Tessa girl again. I miss her so much when I'm gone from her. And now we just wait. The doctor says it's fine to go back to normal activity, but I always get this feeling in my gut that says rest. I took almost a week off of work after I had my transfer when I got pregnant with Tessa. So David is taking off tomorrow so that he can be home to occupy the crazy 2 year old that we've got, and I hoping to chill on the couch, put my feet up, watch some tv, and make some hats. Now we just wait and hope for the best. In past cycles, sometimes I have taken pregnancy tests at home every day, and sometimes I've taken none. I'm not really sure what I want to do this time. I know I don't want to do them every day, but I've toyed with the idea of taking one the day before I have to go back in for my blood test with the doctor's office, but I'm just not sure. I have this real phobia of home pregnancy tests after all that we have been there. I will think about it and pray about it. I am very much at peace. I hope desperately that these are good results that we will receive, but if not, that's the Lord's will too, and I will praise Him no matter what. Like I said before, I am so humbled and feel so loved by all the messages I have received of people thinking of us and praying for us. My dad texted me this morning and told me that he and a group of people from work were going to be fasting and praying for us from 12-12:30, then my sister Amy texted me while I wasin the recovery room telling me that she fasted breakfast this morning to pray for me (and for a situation of their own). One of our pastors called David this morning and while we missed his call, David played his voicemail on speaker for me to hear as he prayed for us over the voicemail. I had several friends write their prayers to me, and countless more telling me that they had been and will continue to pray for us. It just moves me to know how many people care. It touches me to know that so many people are hoping and praying with us and for us so that we can hopefully get our miracle this time. Thank you all again for your prayers today, and I would ask that you would continue to pray. These next few days are going to be the days that hopefully our little babies are going to be implanting. Pray for peace for me as my anxiety tends to flare up when it is most unwanted. Pray that I am able to get the rest I need to best take care of myself. Pray for Tessa, that she will be a good little angel for Mommy on the days that we're here by ourselves. Pray for David, he carries so much on his shoulders in taking care of me, her, his responsibilities at work and at church, and he has his final test in his class that he's taking this sememster on Tuesday and he really needs a good grade on it. Most of all, like always, pray for success. Pray that these babies find the coziest spot they can and implant themselves deep to stay and grow for the next nine months. Thank you again for all your prayers, words cannot express the gratitude that I feel.
Today went well. I woke up this morning at 4:30 in a panic thinking that I had not planned to leave early enough. What if traffic was terrible? We had planned to get one last chiropractic adjustment in before the transfer, and that appointment was at 10:15, which would mean that I wouldn't have left Naperville until at least 10:30 or after and I was supposed to be downtown at noon. In my panic, I texted my mom, which woke her up (sorry, Mom) and she said for me to just not worry about my appointment. If I was worried about getting there in time, skip the appointment, and leave early. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance from your mom, no matter how old you are. I felt much better then, still took me a while to fall back to sleep, but I eventually did.
My mom came up this morning to stay with Tessa for the day, she also brough a load of groceries for an easy fix dinner tonight (have I said lately how incredible my mom is?). We took off for Chicago about 9:45. There was very little traffic on 88 getting in, but the closer we got to the city, the more construction traffic we were running into. It was about ten after 11 by the time we got to the parking garage at the 900 N Michigan building. At this point, I had started drinking my water. My biggest stressor on transfer day is that you have to go in with a full bladder because they use an on-the-belly ultrasound wand to see the best place to place the embryos, and for that, you have to have a full bladder. This is always the worst part of the experience. Most of our transfers, I have drank far too much water and have been feeling on the edge of exploding as I wait for my doctor to come in, often past the time he's supposed to be there. Then there was the time that I didn't drink enough water and I was terrified I had ruined the whole thing because he wouldn't be able to see. But...he's a pro and he was able to do it anyway. As silly as it sounds, I did some trial runs this week drinking my water and seeing how long it took me to get really full, so I felt pretty confident about it today, but still, always the biggest issue on transfer day. Anyway, we didn't have to check in to the surgery center until noon, so David and I just took a little walk down Michigan Ave. It was a beautiful day out and we were enjoying soaking up the sun. We wandered into the American Girl Doll store and browsed around which totally brought me back to my childhood.
We got back to the surgery center a few minutes before noon, got all checked in and they took us back to our little recovery room. The nurse came in to do vitals, then we just waited until my doctor got there. Thankfully, we were the first transfer of the day so he was right on time. Yahoo!! He came in and gave us the good news that both of our remaining two embryos thawed and looked beautiful. (That was my other concern as I was up at 4:30 this morning, what if one or both of them doesn't survive the thaw?) But no, they were fine. They wheel you back on the gurney and the transfer takes place. The procedure itself isn't long, 10-15 minutes tops. The most magical moment being the one when he says, "and transferring the embryos now." I squeeze David's hand, close my eyes, and pray fervently for my little babes in that instant. Then I get my ultrasound picture. Granted, the embryos are too small to actually be seen, but what you do see is the little air bubbles of where they were transferred to. I hold that picture close to my heart as they finish things up and wheel me on back to my recovery room. And that's where we rest. They have you rest there for a half hour. I kinda chuckled with the guy came in to do my vitals after the procedure, he walked in, introduced himself, and then said, "wait, you look really familiar, we've met before haven't we?" To that I responded, "Yes, unfortunately, this isn't our first rodeo. This is our 5th transfer over the last year and a half." Even the folks up at the surgery center are starting to be familiar with me, I'm praying this is the last time I'll ever have to go there!!! I pulled out my Kindle, opened up my Netflix app and watched The Office. Nothing like Michael Scott to get your mind off things. After a half hour, we're free to go.
We were both starving by this point because I hadn't had much of an appetite this morning for breakfast, so it was 1:30 and I had eaten nothing but half of a small bowl of Special K and a piece of cinnamon bread from the Morris Bakery (Thank you, Alissa). We went down into the mall part of the Bloomingdale's building and had a quick sandwich at Potbelly. Then we walked across the street to Jamba Juice, I was really craving a Mango a-go-go. Our last stop before leaving was Sprinkles Cupcakes. I know it sounds like we did a lot of walking after the transfer, but all these places were no more than a block from the building we were in and where our car was parked. I picked up a lemon cupcake for myself, a vanilla with sprinkles for Tessa, and a vanilla with chocolate frosting for my dad and red velvet for my mom, a little thanks to them. The trip home took forever, construction took us forever to just get out of the city, then we ran into a lot of traffic on 88 coming home. I was pretty tired, and the sun felt so warm that I just napped on the ride home, which was nice.
Now we're home. I'm glad to see my Tessa girl again. I miss her so much when I'm gone from her. And now we just wait. The doctor says it's fine to go back to normal activity, but I always get this feeling in my gut that says rest. I took almost a week off of work after I had my transfer when I got pregnant with Tessa. So David is taking off tomorrow so that he can be home to occupy the crazy 2 year old that we've got, and I hoping to chill on the couch, put my feet up, watch some tv, and make some hats. Now we just wait and hope for the best. In past cycles, sometimes I have taken pregnancy tests at home every day, and sometimes I've taken none. I'm not really sure what I want to do this time. I know I don't want to do them every day, but I've toyed with the idea of taking one the day before I have to go back in for my blood test with the doctor's office, but I'm just not sure. I have this real phobia of home pregnancy tests after all that we have been there. I will think about it and pray about it. I am very much at peace. I hope desperately that these are good results that we will receive, but if not, that's the Lord's will too, and I will praise Him no matter what. Like I said before, I am so humbled and feel so loved by all the messages I have received of people thinking of us and praying for us. My dad texted me this morning and told me that he and a group of people from work were going to be fasting and praying for us from 12-12:30, then my sister Amy texted me while I wasin the recovery room telling me that she fasted breakfast this morning to pray for me (and for a situation of their own). One of our pastors called David this morning and while we missed his call, David played his voicemail on speaker for me to hear as he prayed for us over the voicemail. I had several friends write their prayers to me, and countless more telling me that they had been and will continue to pray for us. It just moves me to know how many people care. It touches me to know that so many people are hoping and praying with us and for us so that we can hopefully get our miracle this time. Thank you all again for your prayers today, and I would ask that you would continue to pray. These next few days are going to be the days that hopefully our little babies are going to be implanting. Pray for peace for me as my anxiety tends to flare up when it is most unwanted. Pray that I am able to get the rest I need to best take care of myself. Pray for Tessa, that she will be a good little angel for Mommy on the days that we're here by ourselves. Pray for David, he carries so much on his shoulders in taking care of me, her, his responsibilities at work and at church, and he has his final test in his class that he's taking this sememster on Tuesday and he really needs a good grade on it. Most of all, like always, pray for success. Pray that these babies find the coziest spot they can and implant themselves deep to stay and grow for the next nine months. Thank you again for all your prayers, words cannot express the gratitude that I feel.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A Light at the End of the Tunnel
We will go in next week for our transfer. I'm glad to finally have it officially scheduled. I was quite certain that it would be that date when they didn't have me go this week, but it's for sure now. My appointment this morning went well, they said my lining is at a 9.9, which is only just needs to be at least a 7, so that's great. The last two times I've had it checked I was at 6 something then 7 something, so now that it's almost a 10 is really good. The nurse called this afternoon and said my e2 levels looked perfect and they scheduled me for next Thursday.
I am so ready for this part of the cycle to be over with. I've been taking a shot every day since March 30 and my stomach wants a break. I'm not sure why this cycle has been so rough with the shots, but I have been left with a multitude of colorful bruises and numerous nights after my shots I have been bleeding quite a bit at the injection site. Only 5 more shots. I can do it 5 more times. On Sunday, my meds change up, the shots stop, and I start progesterone and the estrogen decreases a little. I will be more than happy to put away those needles, hopefully for good.
It's been a little bit of a rough week off and on. I really haven't been feeling well from the medications, and these nights where I bleed a lot from the injection just seems to send me into a bit of a tailspin. I usually end up cuddled with David, crying to him about how much I need for this to be over. It's also been hard because right now I'm so surrounded by pregnant women, people I know, friends that I know through facebook, etc...and it's just been baby central. One baby born this week and 2 more having babies in the next couple days, and I have 2 more having babies in the next 2 weeks. I want to be in that club so bad, it's just hard when you feel a bit like an outsider. I want to be expecting my baby and be able to feel all those things again. I saw another facebook post today about someone who was feeling her baby move and how incredible it is, and I miss that. I am so thankful that I was able to experience it, and I have Tessa, but I miss that and I want it again so badly. I am so ready. So ready.
I was so encouraged on Sunday by our Community Group meeting. I love our time at Community Groups, we have an awesome group of people. We've been a part of this group since the beginning of 2011 and they are my second family. They have been there for us all throughout these insane last 17 months. We had a birthday party to go to earlier in the afternoon on Sunday, then we had to run home, grab our food and run to Community Groups. David was tired and I didn't feel well at all, and he kept telling me that we should just stay home. I refused, I wanted to get to our group and I wanted them to be able to pray for us. Because of the Easter holiday and spring break schedules, it had been the middle of March since we had met and those in our group who I don't often see (except at Community Group) didn't know we were cycling again, and I knew this would be the last one before our transfer. We ate, we visited, and we split up girls in one room and guys in another to just have some sharing and fellowship and prayer time. The question was asked about what trials God is leading you through right now. A couple other people shared, then I took the chance to let them know where we were at. Of course, I was doing really good to try and hold it together while I shared, avoiding the eyes of one other person at the end of our table because I knew she'd be crying and that would make me cry, and it wasn't until one of the women in our group told me that they were all here for us to hold us up during a time when we can't hold ourselves up, that the waterworks started, and really didn't stop most of the night. She kept emphasizing that this is what the body of Christ is for, to be the extension of Christ to those that need it. We spent a little time in prayer, then before we left, our whole group gathered taround David, Tessa and I, and just layed hands on us and prayed for us. I so needed that uplifting time and those moments with our close friends. They are praying for our miracle right alongside us, as I know many others are too, and it means the world to me. I have so little to offer right now, I'm so physically and emotionally worn down by all of the stuff that we have been through and are going through that it takes all of my strength to keep going some days. I'm just so thankful for my family and friends who are such in incredible support and a perfect example of th extension of the body of Christ.
So here I sit with 9 days to go until my doctor will be putting my two little babies where they belong and hopefully, they nestle in tight for a long ride. I'm feeling nervous already, just thinking about it gets my heart going. When the nurse called to let me know when the transfer was going to be today she also wanted me to make my appointment for my pregnancy test. My response to that was "urgh". I dread going in for the pregnancy test. I get so nervous on that day that I can hardly breathe. It's like I can't make up my mind. I want this whole thing to be over, if it's going to be good news in the end, but if it's not, if it's bad news again, I'm not ready for it to be over. I want more time to hope and to think happy thoughts. I'm scared for it to be over and for it to be negative and then what? Of course, if it's good news, I'm ready for it to be over now, this minute, this second. Unfortunately, I can't see the future and I don't know what the outcome is. So that leaves me feeling torn, excited and scared for this to be over. Ignorance is bliss, right? If it's bad news, I'm content to be ignorant to it a little while longer.
I'll end with my usual plea for prayer. Pray that I make it through the end of this week, only 5 more nights of shots. Pray that my fear and anxiety will stay far away. Pray for my friend, who gets her results back this week, I want positive results for her so badly. Pray that the transfer would go smoothly. Pray for my babies that are waiting for me. Pray for success.
As I'm typing the last few words, I can hear the alarm going off on my phone downstairs. Every night at 8:00 my alarm sounds, reminding me it's time to do my shot and take my medcine. Ten minutes from now, I'll be down to only 4 shots left. Pray.
I am so ready for this part of the cycle to be over with. I've been taking a shot every day since March 30 and my stomach wants a break. I'm not sure why this cycle has been so rough with the shots, but I have been left with a multitude of colorful bruises and numerous nights after my shots I have been bleeding quite a bit at the injection site. Only 5 more shots. I can do it 5 more times. On Sunday, my meds change up, the shots stop, and I start progesterone and the estrogen decreases a little. I will be more than happy to put away those needles, hopefully for good.
It's been a little bit of a rough week off and on. I really haven't been feeling well from the medications, and these nights where I bleed a lot from the injection just seems to send me into a bit of a tailspin. I usually end up cuddled with David, crying to him about how much I need for this to be over. It's also been hard because right now I'm so surrounded by pregnant women, people I know, friends that I know through facebook, etc...and it's just been baby central. One baby born this week and 2 more having babies in the next couple days, and I have 2 more having babies in the next 2 weeks. I want to be in that club so bad, it's just hard when you feel a bit like an outsider. I want to be expecting my baby and be able to feel all those things again. I saw another facebook post today about someone who was feeling her baby move and how incredible it is, and I miss that. I am so thankful that I was able to experience it, and I have Tessa, but I miss that and I want it again so badly. I am so ready. So ready.
I was so encouraged on Sunday by our Community Group meeting. I love our time at Community Groups, we have an awesome group of people. We've been a part of this group since the beginning of 2011 and they are my second family. They have been there for us all throughout these insane last 17 months. We had a birthday party to go to earlier in the afternoon on Sunday, then we had to run home, grab our food and run to Community Groups. David was tired and I didn't feel well at all, and he kept telling me that we should just stay home. I refused, I wanted to get to our group and I wanted them to be able to pray for us. Because of the Easter holiday and spring break schedules, it had been the middle of March since we had met and those in our group who I don't often see (except at Community Group) didn't know we were cycling again, and I knew this would be the last one before our transfer. We ate, we visited, and we split up girls in one room and guys in another to just have some sharing and fellowship and prayer time. The question was asked about what trials God is leading you through right now. A couple other people shared, then I took the chance to let them know where we were at. Of course, I was doing really good to try and hold it together while I shared, avoiding the eyes of one other person at the end of our table because I knew she'd be crying and that would make me cry, and it wasn't until one of the women in our group told me that they were all here for us to hold us up during a time when we can't hold ourselves up, that the waterworks started, and really didn't stop most of the night. She kept emphasizing that this is what the body of Christ is for, to be the extension of Christ to those that need it. We spent a little time in prayer, then before we left, our whole group gathered taround David, Tessa and I, and just layed hands on us and prayed for us. I so needed that uplifting time and those moments with our close friends. They are praying for our miracle right alongside us, as I know many others are too, and it means the world to me. I have so little to offer right now, I'm so physically and emotionally worn down by all of the stuff that we have been through and are going through that it takes all of my strength to keep going some days. I'm just so thankful for my family and friends who are such in incredible support and a perfect example of th extension of the body of Christ.
So here I sit with 9 days to go until my doctor will be putting my two little babies where they belong and hopefully, they nestle in tight for a long ride. I'm feeling nervous already, just thinking about it gets my heart going. When the nurse called to let me know when the transfer was going to be today she also wanted me to make my appointment for my pregnancy test. My response to that was "urgh". I dread going in for the pregnancy test. I get so nervous on that day that I can hardly breathe. It's like I can't make up my mind. I want this whole thing to be over, if it's going to be good news in the end, but if it's not, if it's bad news again, I'm not ready for it to be over. I want more time to hope and to think happy thoughts. I'm scared for it to be over and for it to be negative and then what? Of course, if it's good news, I'm ready for it to be over now, this minute, this second. Unfortunately, I can't see the future and I don't know what the outcome is. So that leaves me feeling torn, excited and scared for this to be over. Ignorance is bliss, right? If it's bad news, I'm content to be ignorant to it a little while longer.
I'll end with my usual plea for prayer. Pray that I make it through the end of this week, only 5 more nights of shots. Pray that my fear and anxiety will stay far away. Pray for my friend, who gets her results back this week, I want positive results for her so badly. Pray that the transfer would go smoothly. Pray for my babies that are waiting for me. Pray for success.
As I'm typing the last few words, I can hear the alarm going off on my phone downstairs. Every night at 8:00 my alarm sounds, reminding me it's time to do my shot and take my medcine. Ten minutes from now, I'll be down to only 4 shots left. Pray.
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